Boundary problems with BM

[Pomegranatepompom]

I posted previously about contact with my BM.

We've only had contact in past few years (Im in 40's, she is 70). Long background story but she always wanted contact which I resisted. The attempts of contact were at times verging on stalking with her brother and family and I had to get legal advice. I then had a period of 10+ years where everything was relatively calm.

Adopted parents died a few years ago and we weren't close (tbh my childhood was a traumatic mess).

After I had my DC (they are both under 10), I started letter contact and we met around 5 years ago. I have been visiting every 1-2 months for a couple of hours, although felt under pressure to do so.

BM has now started calling me to chat every now and then (which I absolutely hate, for example she called me when she knew I was on holiday asking me to arrange something she needed). She is also becoming more demanding about visits, seems to expect I visit every 4 weeks (it's normally 2-3 hours).

I have no bond with her at all, I visit as it seems cruel to take the contact away. I'm worried sh's going to start relying on me more as she gets more elderly.

Posted before about BM sisters wanting to meet me (I explained I didn't;t want this). I can't face counselling at the mo.

Sorry this all seems so willy written down but I'm finding it all so stressful and complex.

I'd appreciate any advice on how to manage. I don't want to hurt her feelings.

*silly (not willy - obviously!)

You may not be able to avoid hurting her feelings I’m afraid. In all our relationships we have the right to set boundaries and have those boundaries respected by others.

Can you have a think to yourself first of all about the level of contact you can cope with (which may be some or none at all). I think sometimes deciding for ourselves what we want can be the hardest part, admitting that we just don’t want the same kind of relationship the other does and feeling like we’re letting them down by not doing what they want. If you can be clear with yourself about what your ok with it’ll help you articulate that to others.

If you don’t want to meet someone, don’t, it’s ok that you look after yourself ok this.

Sorry my post probably seemed really unsympathetic to BM, I do feel very sorry for her and a poor choice which led to a lot of sadness.

I don't really want a relationship with her if I'm being totally honest. The initial contact helped me have resolution, now I only visit because I feel it wouldn't horrid for me not to, this wold kind of be fine if she wasn't getting demanding. I think she thinks we have a different relationship (hence the feeling she can call just for a chat!).

I feel like I have to pull away, perhaps trying to visit less frequently. I probably need to tell her not to call me.

It feels. bit of a mess, there is also a financial aspect that makes it more complicated (inheritance for me and my DC, she was married to BF and there is money intended for us, although of course she could change her mind about this). I don't want to sound grabby, but I hope my DC will inherit, I've never had any help in my life (worked FT while at uni, no financial support from adopted parents from age of 15), it would be nice to think they might (of course DH hope to help financially when they are older too).

*DH and I

I totally understand. I had contact with BM but she felt almost stalkerish and was suffocating me even though she lives in another country.

It was all too much.

Every time she contacted me I experienced anxiety. I eventually decided that I needed to step away. She emailed me a few more times and I asked her to please leave me in peace.

It must be 10 years now and i feel so much better for it.

I am still in contact over SM with my Siblings so if ever something happened to her I would find out from them.

As a baby you had no say over events so now for me you should be the one who gets to make all the decisions. Do what is right for you and it is ok to be a bit selfish. Your well being comes first.

Somerset thanks so much for posting, so helpful to have your perspective.

I do feel suffocated. Although, I do find emotions difficult though and like to keep my distance a bit and prefer calmness over drama (so many issues!). It's all so tiring.

Do you have full siblings? Hope you are feeling much more at peace now. Have you had counselling? I feel like I should, but really don't want to open wounds.

Yes I Have full siblings. But am also someone who avoids drama and has avoided counseling - so snap!

I think contact was really triggering some almost post traumatic symptoms and I think was just too emotionally charged.

I am glad BM lives a long way away as it takes off pressure.

Adoption is bloody complicated and I think in the past (I grew up in the 70/80s) there was a culture of not mentioning adoption and expecting children to be uneffected.

I suspect many from our generation have struggled to come to terms with different aspects of it as we had no help to process it as children.

When I read how much support adopted children get today I am so pleased for them.

My childhood was very stressful and dramatic, I'm sure a counsellor would love to unpick it all.

Sounds like we have had some similar experience, so pleased it's different now. Emotionally so complex, I wasn't close to the family who adopted me (apart from one non bio sibling who is lovely, she didn't fit in either!).

On one visit, BM gave me a still wrapped up teddy that she had kept for 30+ years (it had been returned to her). That felt especially raw. I can't take on all that sadness though.

Thanks for your reply, feels a bit easier to have someone understand.

I am an adoptee and I have an easy going relationship with bio m but I do have some quite serious boundary issues with another family member and so I can sympathise - it is a similar thing, the relationship continues because of guilt and they continuously step over boundaries. It is stressful and I feel as though I need to think up strategies for reducing or managing the contact but without causing ww3. I don't think your feelings are silly at all.

Incidentally, my relationship with bio m is easy going, as I say, but we don't have anywhere near as much contact as you have - we don't live in the same city and we see her probably no more than 2 or 3 times a year. When we see her it is for no more than an hour, usually 45 mins or so. She phones sometimes but mainly to check that presents for dc have arrived, and if I don't pick up she leaves one message and waits for me to respond.

Could you set some boundaries with your bm, for eg in terms of when you see your her and asking her not to call you, without making it personal about her - explain maybe that you don't like chatting on the phone generally, nor calls out of the blue, and ask if she could text you or email instead? And if she phones could you let it go to voicemail so that you can then call back at the right time for you? Having strategies for getting off the phone quickly without causing offence is useful too, eg "Oh no! i have just remembered! I have to go - I will call you back asap". In relation to not increasing visits to once a month, can you explain that is simply isn't possible for practical reasons, your dc have activities and commitments, etc?

We use humour a lot to avoid emotionally charged situations, but I know that that isn't everyone's cup of tea. I was telling bio m about a birthday party for a dc not long ago and she said "goodness I never did that for you" and I replied "no, you did not" and we both burst out laughing...

If you are not 100 percent clear on what boundaries you'd like, another thing you could do is write down on one sheet of paper what contact you would like deep down, what would make you truly happy if you didn't have guilt to contend with, and then on another sheet what contact you think might be objectively reasonable, and then on a third what you think your bm would like, and see if it helps you process and think up a strategy which would work better? Just an idea though.

Sorry, long post.

Thank you so much for your post sassy really helpful hearing your experience and your advice.
I think I have enable her behaviour by being generally too available and helpful (trying to please I guess, the trait of the adopted child...)

I'm going to set some boundaries re how much I visit. Not sure brave enough to tackle phone calls so might just ignore and hope she gets the message.

I can't believe after almost 40 years of no contact I'm now expected to visit monthly! It's all very strange and I'm quite resentful of it all.
I don't think I have the heart to go no contact but I'm definitely reducing visits and availability.

Thanks again for your post. Sounds like you have a good balance. Hope life has been good to you.