What do you call birth parents

[Lifeisnotsimple]

Adoption over 3yrs ago, had first letterbox today. Cards signed off from daddy. Tbh its caught me off guard but im fuming.

To be honest it varies, sometimes we use their names, sometimes mum or dad, sometimes first mum . I'm always best mum though!

Letterbox should be between the adults though.

Birth parent here. I just usually sign off with hope your well (darkriver)

How come this is the first letterbox? Presumably you have been writing but they have not?

Personally I would maybe accept card this time. But then in covering note to SW say that you will not accept in future. Either 'Daddy Fred' or 'Fred'. We started with the former for 2 years but then moved to the latter as less confusing for our younger one.

Personally I would not accept that, but context is everything. My kids BPs have never parented and have caused them harm. I think it's different if your kids were older and were calling them Mum or Dad.

What were you told when the contact agreement was set up? It was made very clear to us that best practice is for BPs to write to you, not the children, and that any kind of 'claiming' or negative language would mean the letters would not be passed on.

How come this is the first letterbox? Presumably you have been writing but they have not?

We shouldn't underestimate how big a deal it is to write (ours don't). That doesn't mean putting up with things you aren't comfortable with, but it's a really positive step that they have written and you want to make sure the SW encourages them to write again when they address the issues.

don That's why I thought to maybe accept this time. If the BD hasn't been writing but is now starting it would seem a shame to reject because of how it is signed.

Not its not first letter box, ive been writing letters but have had nothing back for 3yrs. I dont mind writing to them to give them vague info. Til these cards from last xmas and birthday landed today saying we miss you, we love you loads, loads of love your daddy. It just pissed me off a bit. Everyone of the family were offer to adopt my son and they turned him away, now they are professing their love for him. Makes me so angry.

Yes don we were told claiming would not be passed on but tbh i dont have alot of faith in ds sw team. I had to beg and turn up at their offices just to get the life story which is rubbish. I had no later life letter.

I am 2 and a half years post adoption and have never had life story or later life letter. And letterbox still not been set up properly.
It is pants !
As Regards your contact refuse to accept any you are not happy with. I would get the boundaries in place straight off.

And PS as we know words are cheap and cost nothing.
I would be angry too.

I think there are three issues here:

1. Your letterbox coordinator is not following either best practice or the agreement. You need to email them and ask them to address this. Nobody likes to complain, but better to sort it now.

I would say no cards, no mummy and daddy and nothing assuming reunion. I break some of these rules with some birth family members- so please don't think I'm preaching, this stuff is hard.

1. You quite reasonably feel upset by a letter from the people who harmed your child, because you feel the letter is deceitful. It probably is, but you can't fix them. You need to let yourself feel this way, trust me - it's normal; but don't let your emotions cloud your judgement.

1. You need to decide what is best for your kids. I come at this as an adoptee too - I would not like to have seen loads of bullshit letters. Personally (depending on how bad it is) I would either return it or make clear the next one will be returned. I would also send a letter saying how much you value the contact and that your children will be told about them.

You might want to read some threads by BPs on here, for another perspective. Whatever you decide, this is your family and your boundaries to set. You know best.

Sanders

I know, I agree and am always torn by this sort of post. I don't think it's just the signature at issue here. It needs a SW to talk to BD about contact.

IME when (rarely) APs stop contact agreements it always because it's been set up with poor boundaries and has been having a negative effect for some years. Better to get it right now.

Agree there is more than just the signature. The gushy messages are more of an issue and definitely need sorting.

We have been so lucky with letterbox, it has worked for us well for 12 (!)years, including exchanging photos and cards. Our LA seem pretty on the ball on this, and they provide help where needed.

Flapjack this is why i was shocked when these cards turned up today. It took me a yr to get life story and when i collected it, they said then they had not even passed us on to post adoption team. That didnt shock me. I always tread carefully cos when my son is older im answerable and i know he will ask me why i made decisions. Suppose this is the reality of it and we have been in our own bubble for 3yrs, just came as a shock. Ive put the cards away, obviously both occasions have passed so will leave them for when hes older. I do call his bp by their names as effectively they are strangers and he had never been parented by them.

For us, cards are sent with the preceding contact letter, and I then store them. That has worked really well, because if they weren't sent I would have had time to forewarn/set the scene.

Out of the blue must have really wobbled you Life. Maybe write to SWs and say you are not giving them as too late and inappropriate and what you want in future is: … followed by clear bullet points

Thanks for your responses. When i saw the cards first i was annoyed. They have obviously been opened so someone felt it was acceptable. He wont see the cards till he is much older so he will be able to make up his own judgement of them. At the end of the day he will decide what he wants to do, i never want him to feel guilty if he wants to have a relationship with his bp despite my own feelings. As for speaking to sw team, i have little faith in them and dont want them twisting it causing us issues.

Sorry, I'm in the process of adopting, and have been told that the letterbox contact us from birthparent to adoptive parent.

If that's the case, why is he signing anything as "Daddy". Your not going to call him that are you?!

Hitchy Although you are correct, some adopters (e.g. us) agree to receive birthday / Christmas cards for their DC. So in those cases the cards are to the child from the birth parent.

In the OPs case, cards have been sent unexpectedly where there isn't any clear agreement, hence the issue.

Our letterbox agreement says cards can be sent but are not to be 'daughter' cards and are to be signed off with first names. We have done this for 12 years with no issues. We are lucky.

After much discussion with my dh, we are going to leave it there. If i contact sw to ask to change it, it will be recorded by them. If my son in the future gains any of the information he may question why i asked for it to be changed which may anger him. I cant predict how he will feel about us or his birth parents. However we can remain neutral. We cant pretend his birth parents dont exist. In our eyes he is our son and we are his parents forever. My son will have his own opinion and thoughts on who his parents are and what relationships he wishes to pursue. The letterbox are cards from birthdays and xmas that have gone, we never had any letters. Its not appropriate time for him to view them so they will be put away. Once he is older he will have a better understanding of his situation and can form his own opinion and relationships. After yrs of no feedback from his birth family, it just came as a shock when the cards arrived.

@Lifeisnotsimple can I say as a birth parent I appreciate your response. It is incredibly diplomatic and putting your child first.

I have permission in my letterbox to send cards but, I have the awareness to not include daughter or mummy in them. (Which reminds me I need to buy some birthday cards.) Many birthparents are not really guided or supported.

Thank you darkriver, i have no malice towards his birth parents but i have knowledge there is anger from birth father that he feels he has done nothing wrong and has done everything in the book not to comply despite overwhelming evidence against him. Like someone else has said i cant help him or rescue that situation. My job as a parent is to guide my son through the mixed emotions that come with adoption.

I know what you mean re thinking what they might feel when they see their files.

We had to write something for court re direct contact. We thought long and hard about the wording as we didn't want it to be recorded that we had prevented it. So we were very clear that we wanted to act in the best interests of the DC, but that SS were advising against, and we felt they knew more than we did on the topic.

I think a lot depends on the age of the child at adoption and their relationship with the birth parents until that point. We refer to the birth parents by their initials, but that is because for all intents and purposes, there was not really a parental relationship with the bps.
I am amazed that the letter box coordinator allowed the letter signed daddy. My child's bps have written once and signed off as mummy and daddy. The coordinater has held onto the letter and is keeping it on file for them when they are 18, they read it to me but refused to send it on.
As pps said, it shouldnt be between child and bps. But i guess that does depend on the relationship at time of placement.