Nap time hell

[Toddlerx2]

Hi all, I adopted two siblings 6 weeks ago. Everything is going well most of the time and they are settling in to the routine etc. However, nap time is hell on earth now my husband has gone back to work. The children (18m and 30m) are in separate rooms because when they were together they kept each other up all night. Now both more or less sleep through the night. Trying to put one down and leave the other is proving impossible. The older one screams as soon as I leave the space. I've explained to him what I am doing and where I'm going, that I'll come back, he can come and find me if he needs me. He accepts all this then as soon as I leave the space he screams like a child possessed! It then descends into chaos as I try to juggle them both (and fail). Does anyone have any advice or tried and tested approaches? I also become a horrible mother during this time, shouting at them just to go to sleep which I know is stupid but I seem to lose or rationale. Please help.

Are we talking bedtime or daytime naps ? If daytime do they need to sleep or are they not tired enough ?
I would put them in the double buggy and walk them instead or ride in the car. They can sleep on the move if needed.
Also at their ages they will have no concept of where you are going and if you are coming back etc etc so I would keep them with you . They are still reeling from the trauma of losing their previous life and it is going to take lots of time and patience to build that connection.
Do lots of bonding stuff, put youngest in a sling etc , massage, baths together etc etc .
And I know it must be v hard to suddenly be mum to such little needy ones but try not to shout if you can . It won't help at this age. They must be feeling v vulnerable and confused as are you no doubt so all of this takes time . Try not to expect too much from all of you at this stage. And get your partner to pitch in whenever they can to relieve you if have one.
Finally congratulations, how lovely to have two little ones and what fun you will have . One day all this will be a dim and distant memory.
Good luck x

I've not adopted but saw this on active threads. Mine are younger 28 months and 4 months, I've been told by friends that they normally drop the nap by 2 1/2 at the moment mine still needs his. So does your eldest still need the nap? Secondly can you do separate bedtimes, get your youngest settled and asleep with oldest still playing somewhere and then do eldest?

Hi, thanks for the replies. Yes, it is nap time only. He definitely still needs the nap, they both do as when they go down they sleep. I have tried to stagger their naps but that is the problem because he panics when I put the other one down (context, I live in an apartment so it's all on one floor, literally 3 metres from where he is sat) I've set up calm activities for him to do that I know he enjoys. I know shouting doesn't help, it actually doesn't help at any age! I was just trying to be honest in a forum where I have seen suggested strategies and support for others. I do all the suggested bonding techniques and they are doing brilliantly, this is the only sticking point at the moment. They go to bed fine at night because there are two of us, it is literally just because I can not cut myself down the middle and be in two places at once. I also live in a very hot country, walking them during the midday sun is not an option.

Just saw this in active threads; I've got an 18month old and 3yo so not quite the same age gap, but when little one was 6mo or so and I needed to settle her for bedtime which took a bit of time (bottle of expressed milk or bf, etc) and dd1 was 30mo I just used to park dd1 in front of the telly for 20 minutes or so, in her playpen/cot so she was safe.It was the only tv time she was allowed to have so she looked forward to it and it relaxed her so she'd let me go off with Dd2. Would that work for you? Appreciate telly isn't ideal at this age but with two you have to sometimes use what you can.
Congratulations on your little ones!!! (And all mums get stressed and shout sometimes, it's fine....don't get too hung up)

I wasn't having a go at you for shouting . I was trying not to sound judgemental cos goodness knows we all do it at times.
Anyway please do be honest. Parenting is damned hard and it helps to know that we have all been there. There are lots of supportive, non judgemental adopters on this board who I am sure will be along to offer better advice than I can muster up atm.
Really I was trying to emphasise that you need to see this from an adopted traumatised child's point of view. They have had at least 2 people disappear and not come back in their eyes ( birth parent and foster carer ) so they are probably literally terrified when you are not right next to them. Traditional childcare approaches may not work too well . It will take lots of time and it is really v early days but you sound to me like you are doing great and have good strategies in place. Could the older one help you to settle the little one ? I use the term v loosely of course because they might hinder rather than help but could they fetch the nappy, dummy , tuck them in etc . It might give them a distraction and once little one is settled it is there turn to be babies. Just a thought. X
.

Have you tried white noise? I put it on my phone right next to the buggy which is where LO sleeps, if he’s restless this works a treat...

But I don’t have two - or one as old as 2.5. Could you try a book on tape for a 2.5 old?? Or is that too young.

Taking on two is such a massive thing to do so well done!

I haven't adopted but I have a wee girl who is nearly 3. She still could do with a nap but we struggle to get her to nap at home.

However I know at nursery they have a 'quiet area' for her age group. It has mats on the floor with cushions and teddies and a canopy over the top. They go in there and get a story read to them and know they can go in there for a nap in the afternoon. My wee girl who refuses to nap at home actually does use this area at nursery and naps there. Could you create an area like that for 'quiet time' and they might nap?

Going for walk with a double buggy or with one in buggy and the other on your chest in a baby carrier is my top tip at nap time. And singing to them as you walk (yes, absolutely - nursery rhymes if possible). Once they sleep you can keep walking and get some exercise and head space - every day! I used to put on a stew in the oven to cook while we were out sometimes too... sorry, just reminiscing now.

Same in the car - if you put on nursery rhymes and drive, they can see you, the motion and warmth is settling.

Rather than TV another sort of white noise idea is to have a CD playing with nursery rhymes or stories (though not fairy tales as they can be grim - I used to play Derek Jacobi narrating The Wind in the Willow which dc loved and dropped asleep to, and they can now, years on, do a fair imitation of Derek Jacobi's accent being an early 19th c gentleman...)

Just to answer a pp's q - 2.5 is definitely not to young for a book - obviously better if you are doing the reading and you are reading baby books, but for a short time to get out of the room to tend to other dc it might be just the thing. Nursery rhyme CDs vary a lot - some CDs are calming and soothing and others a bit wild.

Can you lie on your bed one of each side and all have a rest. Put on some sleep/ relaxation music.

Otherwise TV / iPad is your friend for the older one ( hides from judgement )

No judgement here snoring

Hi OP I second the advice to try to get then to nap on the move. It's so hard isn't it!

I hope you don't mind but I've reported your OP because a few people have said they have seen this on Active, and adoption posts are no supposed to show on Active.

I haven't got anything to add to the excellent advice given so far but watching with interest as we have a match going through for 2 little ones who are pretty much exactly these ages (or will be by the time we hopefully get a matching panel date).

Was talking to husband last night about managing routines inc nap time (they both have naps at current foster carer's) and he will be back at work after 6-8 weeks too.

Sending you positive thoughts knowing that I'll be in the same boat very soon

Ours are 4 and 3, been with us 7 months. Littlest was still napping before placement...we never managed to get her to nap at home. We did lots of strategic drives after lunch/or activity in the very early days.

Our two boys were 22 months and 37 months when they came home- both still napping for 2 and a half hours a day! We soon realised that they didn’t really need that much sleep- certainly not the older one. We had the opposite problem in that neither were bothered about being left on their own because they had experienced so much of that, so I would say the fact that he is bothered at you going is a really good thing (although it probably doesn’t feel like that now!). Could the older one not come with you into his siblings room while you settle them for a nap and do some colouring or something? And then you could go and settle the older one?

The early days are so very hard, you’re not the only mum who found themselves to be with I hope more shouty than they ever imagined they would be. I adopted two at the same time - it’s a particularly exquisite type of hell, all the joy and love in the world wrapped up in two little people who literally can’t have you out of their sight for a second.

I’ve done the shouting, crying, pleading, negotiating etc etc. It’s really hard, and you sound like you’re doing fine.

I wonder if instead of a formal nap time, having a post lunch quiet time for everyone might help, so snuggly blankets, a well watched move on tv and kids curled up with you. They may or may not sleep but you can all rest a bit and you’re physically touching them so nothing for them to be anxious about. Or could you put them down together in the same room you’re in - maybe topped and tailed in your bed?

When I was feeling all touched out by mine, I would send them both on an “errand” to find something for mummy. It’s gave me the 5 seconds I needed to breathe. Might something like that help for your oldest? Give him a task, settle the little one and then the older one?

Hang in there, it honestly gets easier.

I guess you may have health visitors and friends and family all telling you how important it is that toddlers have regular naps in their own room, set routine, bla bla. As you know, adopted dcs don't always fit in with accepted wisdom and you may need to change your plans -especially only 6 weeks in. Frankly I'd give up trying to leave your panicking ds on his own for his nap for a good few weeks or months yet. It's not helping any of you.

I know a newly adoptive family who gave up completely on bedroom naps but planned in a Mummy's nap time at the same time every day. The mum snuggled up on the sofa together with magazines and teddies every day. She read the same story to her ds and then said now mummy is having a snooze. More often than not her ds snoozed with her once he realised she wasn't going anywhere or doing anything interesting .

Good luck

Do they need to nap in their own rooms? Can they nap together somewhere?

I think that with really young children of this age it is so exhausting for the parent, the parent is at risk of falling asleep leaving the little ones unsafe if they do the quiet time!

I don't think strict routine or strict anything is needed, other than the right number of hours sleep for the age, enough food, enough playing and fresh air, and whatever works to achieve that, works, though.

I think 2 is a bit young to be diverted by going off to find things, but nice idea for when they are older.

I'd agree with the idea of staying all together for rest/dozing time. If it really doesn't work and nobody gets any rest, perhaps try recording yourself (picture as well as sound) reading a favourite story? Older child could watch that for a few minutes just outside the open doorway while you settle the younger?

I see what you said about it being too hot to walk outside. No chance of any big air conditioned places like shopping centres etc you could walk the buggy round? Or take them for a drive in air con?

Early days for you all and you must be shattered. Keep your plans small, and keep going - you've got this

I think all having a nap together might work better - hopefully you could get some rest too. My son was eighteen months at placement and I have fond memories of our afternoon naps together in my bed - I was gutted when he dropped the nap

I am sorry I missed what you said about being in a very hot country and walking in midday sun isn't an option!!

I am not sure whether a drive with aircon is something which would work?

If not, my sister brought up her children in a very hot climate and I can't remember what she did, but she would have used completely different strategies from me - no midday walk or stews for sure! - and on the basis that there will be other mums out there with 2 toddlers in hot climates, if you posted on mumsnet wider just for ideas and strategies (ie not for support or judgement just for ideas) then you may well find something genius is suggested.

No advice. Just coming on to say OP it's bloody hard adopting one let alone two children, with a tiny age gap! Be kind to yourself. Sending you love, you are doing a brilliant job

When I had two that sort of age, it was all about basic survival.

We took naps together, I'd drive round until they fell asleep and they napped in the car. I'd go for walks, with one in a Buggy and the other in a carrier on my back , until they both fell asleep. I'd stagger the laying down/driving/walking. Whatever it took.

Some days were hell. I have lovely memories of other days - sat in a parked car, reading a book. Bliss!

It's pretty common for little ones to want to be with a parent or to fight naps. I've not adopted, it I'd imagine that would be even more true of very young adoptees. The need for comfort, reassurance, and the the need to build a firm attachment must be so much stronger.

Good luck! I hope you all find a way that works for your family soon.