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Adoption

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Original poster

Am I doomed to fail?

14 replies

darkriver19886 · 20/03/2019 09:24

9 months on since I had final contact with the girls I am reflecting on my life going forward.

I keep reading that Birth Parents never change and stay in the lifestyles that caused them to lose their children in the first place. I am wondering if that is going to be the case for me?

I am not planning on having any more children at least in the foreseeable future but, I don't want to rule it out if I meet someone stable.

I am making positive changes in my life. Mainly that I have been in therapy for the last six months and am committed for a long as it takes to deal with my own trauma s.

I am just rambling really.

OP posts:

flapjackfairy · 20/03/2019 11:39

You are absolutely not doomed to fail. You have already made significant changes and are adressing your issues. Good for you. You are not doomed to repeat the same mistakes and I admire you for putting your girls wellbeing above your own and being selfless in securing the best future you can for them. If only all parents could do that .
It is still v early days since your girls left your care so it is going to be hard . Take it one day at a time and be kind to yourself. Nothing lasts forever and this phase if your life will pass. Who knows what great things may be in store for you in the future. I really hope that life is good to you . You deserve it. Sending a hug xxx

ColeHawlins · 20/03/2019 11:43

You're not "most both parents", though, are you?

I remember some of your previous posts. You've made extremely difficult, loving, responsible choices for the benefit of your DDs.

You are insightful and that puts you streets ahead already.

Try to be kind to yourself

ColeHawlins · 20/03/2019 11:43

"Most birth parents", I mean.

Original poster

darkriver19886 · 20/03/2019 12:08

Thank you. I was feeling pretty low this morning and kept listening to the negative voice.

OP posts:

UnderTheNameOfSanders · 20/03/2019 12:34

I agree with the others. You aren't 'most birth parents'.
The BM of my DDs has turned her life around. You are in the processing of doing likewise.

Hoplittlebunnies · 20/03/2019 17:50

You aren't doomed to fail at all.

I have every confidence in my sons birth mums ability to really shine. She is intelligent and funny and just needed some support. Hopefully this support will help her to turn her life around. I really don't think she is doomed to fail.

I don't think you are either. The fact that you are even reflecting in this way tells me that you don't fit the birth parent stereotype that gets thrown around (and that I don't necessarily agree with anyway).

Ted27 · 20/03/2019 18:02

No of course not. But very few birth parents are as insightful and self aware as you. Very few can put the needs of their children above their own.

Its still very early days for you, of course you will never 'get over' whats happened with your daughters, nor is 'move on' the right phrase but its possible to get to a place of peace and acceptance. Many people rebuild their lives after the most horrendous experiences. You can do that too.

Maybe other children will be part of your future, to be honest I hope they do. I don't think that would mean you love your girls any less, or that you have forgotten them.

I think everyone here wishes a good, positive future for you.

PoppyStellar · 20/03/2019 19:07

Just another one adding to the chorus of ‘you’re not doomed to fail’. You’re really not.

My daughter’s birth mum has gone on to turn her life around to some extent, and been able to keep subsequent children. It’s entirely possible, and from what I know of you through your posts here you seem to have insight and awareness that means it’s entirely possible for this to happen for you too. You made a really difficult decision that put your DDs needs first. That’s a huge thing you’ve done. Be kind to yourself

RandomMess · 20/03/2019 19:09

I know of birth parents that have been able to keep subsequent DC because they succeeded in making notable changes. Hang on in there

HailEdmundLordofAddersBlack · 20/03/2019 20:33

Many birth parents won't engage in any of the services or help offered to them and therefore never change. If you are seeking help yourself then there is nothing to say you can't change.

Thepinklady77 · 20/03/2019 22:46

As a foster carer who has supported two babies (different placements/families) being rehabilitated back to birth family, who really had been written off initially due to the fact that previous children were in care or adopted, I can tell you birth family can and do change.

You appear to be very insightful into why your girls are not with you (you are not shouting about SS stealing your children) and you are making positive changes. If and when you do decide that another child is possible in the right scenario you have every chance to parent well. I can tell you that both those birth mummies that we were involved with continue to do well and thrive. They have needed some support over the time they have had their little ones with them but because they have reached out for it and accepted the support it has been available.

Take lots of time now to heal and think positively about your future.

Original poster

darkriver19886 · 21/03/2019 08:29

Thank you everyone.
When I had the final hearing last year the judge said that she was confident that I would go on to parent other children successfully which at the time I thought was a bizarre thing to say.

I am wrestling with guilt that I am even entertaining the thought. Even though it is a million miles away as I am single and not interested in dating at the moment. I wouldn't want my girls to think I forgot about them or replaced them.

OP posts:

UnderTheNameOfSanders · 21/03/2019 11:48

I wouldn't want my girls to think I forgot about them or replaced them.

I would hope that the adopters would be able to reassure them.

We could have been in that situation and we would have tried to say they hadn't been forgotten (because contact letters still arriving) and they hadn't been replaced (because they would always be in the heart of BM).
We would have said that though it was sad BM hadn't been in a position to care for them, how good it was that she had turned her life around and so was able to parent the new baby, and that we were sure that SW would be giving her lots of support so hopefully it would work out OK.

Italiangreyhound · 21/03/2019 16:56

OP "I keep reading that Birth Parents never change and stay in the lifestyles that caused them to lose their children in the first place. I am wondering if that is going to be the case for me?"

I think that any person can change. Only you know what is going on right now. It's step at a time in the right direction.

I will try and find the documentary o saw a while ago. Mum, new partner, two boys and grandma together. Various issues and social services got involved. Things turned around.

So much of this is getting the right help when needed.

You cannot got back in time but you can go forward. Focus on forward.

I am a BIG believer in positive thinking. You need to see where you will get to. Maybe you will meet someone and gave a new child/ children. Or maybe your kids will contact you on x number of years. Where do you want to be when any of those things happen?

Be strong for you.

You count. Aside from yoir children and any future children, relationship etc. You matter.

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