Lots of birth parent talk

[forevermama]

My husband and I adopted our now 9 year old daughter nearly five years ago - it has been a rollercoaster of course, but generally a very happy time - she is thriving and we are a settled family unit of 3.

We are open about birth parent facts and she has regular and meaningful contact with her younger sister which is important for us all.

In the last few days our D has been saying 'my actual mum' alot meaning her birth mum and also 'my adoptive dad' when taking about Daddy. (we have always been called Mummy and Daddy since the start - her choice) She hasn't done this before and I am noticing an emotional non-stop talking vibe when we talk through these important things.

She has recently talked about wanting to see her birth mum ,missing her (she went into care at 18 months) and I want to do my best to comfort her and support her.

Any tips on how to support her/respond to her new names for us / ensure she feels safe to talk about her feelings and also how to manage some hurtful comments xxx

ps: D and I have agreed to call birth mum 'First Mum' which seems more comfortable x

oh bless her, she's trying to work it all out.

Acceptance is key I think, I wouldn't 'respond' as such to the names, you know who she means. I think wanting to see birth mum is a natural thing so I would be empathising with that need. I doubt she is trying to hurt you deliberatly, she's trying to understand how she got to be where she is, so I would tend to let it go.

It might be time to consider some theraputic life story work for her. I think too often life story work focuses on what instead of why,

So for example. Mummy couldnt look after you because she took drugs. For the child this leads to whole host of questions - but why did mummy take drugs, if she loved me would have stopped, so she can't have loved me, so am I unloveable/naughty/bad.

We had ASF funded life story work with a therapist. My son was a but older when we started, but I think they are ready at different times. Life story work is also an on-going thing, not a one off.
We found it very traumatic, we covered some very hard painful stuff but at the end of it I have a very mature young man who understands why he was adopted and doesnt think it was his fault.

He also wants to see birth mum and we have talked about what happens after that and he said mum I don't want to live with her - you are by far the safest option. I'll take that but it doesnt mean he doesnt think about her and have feelings about her, which I'm ok with

I don't have time to respond properly, I am sorry, but I didn't want to read and run without saying please, please don't be hurt. I have said this before and I think it is really important - the fact that her first mum is important to her does not make you less important. Her using different terminology is fine, using any terminology is fine, as a 9 year old she isn't intending to minimise her relationship with you by using "actual" or any other word.

I think that attachment as a child grows is dependent upon you meeting child's needs and it is really wonderful that your relationship with your dd is strong enough for her to be expressing a need to talk about her first mum and wanting to see her. In all honesty I would explore contact though explore well and carefully (eg the UAE post adoption website is informative) beforehand.

I am an adoptee by the way, and had more f2f contact with bio family than average. If you had specific q's I'd be happy to answer.

forevermama we are in a similar place! Son been with us around 5 years, came at age 3. Has talked about birth parents a bit lately and refers to me sometimes as his 'legal' mum.

It feels hurtful but I don't let him know that just reassure him how much we love him.

I will be reading here for good ideas from others! But just wanted to reassure you, you are not alone! I think this age is an age when there is interest on their story.

Thanks so much for your replies :) so helpful.

I have been in touch with our local post adoption services to get some support with a Life Story therapist, and I am going to go through all our background info to start a new Life Story book that is more age appropriate for a 9 year old.

Since my message, we have had a little talk as a family to find out what A* needs, she says she is happy with new titles of 'first mum' and Mummy for me. She also want me to make a new Life Story Book.

We all talked about there being room in our hearts for everyone and we would always support her choices later on and she is the most important person in our world. She seems calmer and happier :)

She is our world xxxxx

I am 'mum' to a step daughter whose mum gave her up when she was very young and didn't look back. She also went through the 'real mum' questioning at primary school age which was hurtful but I understood that she was trying to understand why she was different to her peers.
I let her call me what she wanted and I think that a lot of the questioning came from the fact that we were very open with her at home about who the adults were in her life. I think that she was explaining this at school to friends hence her asking where her 'real mum' as opposed to 'birth mun' was.