Drained New Mum.

[HopefullyThree]

Hello!

How may hours a day shoukd I be playing with my 3 year old? He has been home a week and quite naturally wants us with him all day, every day.

Can I encourage independent play at this age? I can't physically be with him all day every day. It is draining me.

I how may hours a day do people supervise play with their 3 year old? What activities can they do by themselves when needed? Xd

You poor thing. If he has been home only a week you can't really expect him to be in another room. Do you have a partner you can play tag with while you get some 'me' time?

Otherwise you have to find activities where you can semi switch off from whatever is hardest.

I found out and about best:

• Put in pushchair and go for a walk
• Go to park
• Swimming (might be a bit early days for that, but it kills loads of time)
• feed the ducks
• post a letter
• bubbles
• football

Inside

• TV (no harm in moderation)
• playdough
• painting
• duplo
• trains
• story time
• teddies tea party
• playing in sink

It took me about 3 months before things got easier. I was placed with a 2 and an 8yo.

Routine is key. So out and about every morning - shopping, café, toddler group, whatever. Maybe back for some craft or pretend play. After lunch some 'quiet time' even if just reading a story for 15 minutes plus watching 45mins TV while you have a cup of tea. Then a short bit of play and outside again for 30 minutes. Some more play, maybe sat at table colouring then evening meal. Bath, stories, bed.

I literally (and I do mean literally) had a long list of things we could do under headings such as gross motor skills, fine motor skills, imagination, literacy, numeracy, science. And then made sure I did things from across the list across the week.

You might be being told it is too early for toddler group, but if it saves your sanity then go for it, if only for a part session. I met some Mums who turned into friends there, and who were helpful to me a s a new parent too.

Firstly congratulations on the arrival of your new son.

The first weeks and months are so very hard, you have all just had a major life change and its tough.

Having said that, this is where you have to dig down and get through it. Its not about your son's age, but the fact that he he has been with you a week. This is the time when you have to focus on building your relationship. You also need to be thinking younger, three is a baby anyway but think younger again. At this stage you really need to be teaching him to trust and be dependent on you, not encouraging him to be independent.

My son was nearly 8 when he arrived home and he was glued to me for six weeks until he started school. We literally spent eight hours a day playing boardgames. When he was not at school he became limpet boy again. It was very hard and exhausting for many months.

You dont mention a partner, are you a single adopter?

I agree pretty much with everything underthenameofsanders says. Get out and about, tire him out, he will sleep better. Swimming is great for skin to skin contact and bonding. We spent a lot of time in coffee shops, he has a sticker book, Id pretend to read the paper. It made me feel better and less isolated just being around other adults.
Check out you local library to see if they have any story times or activities you could attend. The TV is not the enemy. My son has always been an early riser, I,m not a morning person. At the weekends Id lie on the sofa whilst he watched cartoons until I was ready to face the day.
Finally, you arent superwoman, focus on whats important which is building your relationship with this little boy, dusting and ironing can wait.
Good luck, it will get better

It’s only been a week and your whole world has changed - and you have no time on your own to make sense of it all. It’s bloody hard going. My D.C. were 4 and 6 when they arrived with me and both literally needed to be in physical contact with me at all times. For months.

You need to consider that his whole world has just changed, he’s in a strange place, with strange people who he doesn’t know and who don’t know him - what he likes to eat, what he likes to do etc etc. He will have a need to be very close to you - I wouldn’t be even thinking about independent play at this stage. But yes, it’s so very draining.

Things that helped me were having a regular schedule - up and out in the morning, quiet time after lunch, I used TV more than I thought I would, if they really would settle I’d put them in the bath, or paddling pool or go swimming (my two are total water babies), I would drink a cup of tea at the kitchen table while they looked for sweeties I’d hidden around the playroom (I could see them, they could see me but would go and look for sweeties = not touching me). A good bedtime routine was the first thing I worked on establishing - they both were in bed and asleep by 7.30 so I could go out to see a friend or mindlessly watch tv, generally have an evening to myself.

Do you have any support? Can you get half an hour even to get a coffee and some headspace? Does he have a good bedtime routine? All of that will help - you’ve had a massive change in every area of your life and don’t get a minute to consider the impact on you - the early days are very hard indeed, hang in there.

I hate to say this. But. We are 6 months in and we are lucky if we get half an hour of headspace A day - we usually have one of our two children saying “mummy help me, mummy what you doing, mummy I can’t do it, mummy help me, mummy play with me, mummy carry me, mummy hold my hand, mummy where you going, mummy I hold your leg, mummy help me, oh dear mummy I dropped it, mummy cuddles, mummy draw me/make me a...”

Honestly, a week in and you totally need to be on the floor playing and connecting with your child. And importantly drawing on your support network (partner?) and gaining some time away every day for you to create as it’s suffocating at times, I know. I remember the first month (or two) and our whole bodies ached from sitting on the floor and bending over, it’s exhausting physically and mentally. We totally understand where you’re at. All I can recommend is batch cook so all you need to do is microwave something quick and just read, play and sit with little one. It’s soooo important to just be there and let them learn to trust you. It’s a long road for some, longer still for others, but they will get there and will be able to play on their own (hopefully) and they are little for such a short time. Every toy or game (drawing, play doh, painting, duplo, happyland etc etc) ALL needs to be explained/demonstrated so they know what to do with it before they can start to play independently. This takes time. After 6 months we have the very odd few days where we might get half an hour when the children might play independently or imaginatively with the toys we have spent time demonstrating. Every time they want you, they are seeking that connection and closeness with their new parent. We have to say “mummy/daddy’s just cooking, putting a wash on, showering, going for a wee” etc and that’s ok because these things have to be done but for the most part they can’t play independently and nor would you want them to at this stage.

It’s so hard. So very hard. And so very draining. We cried and tagged each other in and out and continue to do so. The advice underthenameofsanders has given you is spot on and somewhere to aim for as you settle into your own routine.

Best of luck. It does get better but the adjustment is super hard. Wishing you all the Best.

The first three-six months are totally draining. We brought home a two and three year old about 15 months ago and I would say it is only in the last 6 months that we have been able to get pro-longed periods (30/40 mins) of independent play and even those or not always guaranteed. They needed a huge level of supervision and structure. Underthename gives very good advice about structuring the day.

My DH was off for the first 7 weeks and so we tag teamed a lot of the time. This was vital. We structured are day into morning and afternoon (morning we were out somewhere) and in the afternoon we did half hour activities.

In those first seven weeks we took it in turns to get up with the kids. So every other morning one of us stayed in bed or at least upstairs for an extra hour and a half while the other went down and did breakfast and play. I usually got up once they went downstairs and took a long bath with my book and hubby snuck me up a cup of tea. DH just slept in his time. It was vital. In the afternoon sometimes we wold each take a 45 min window to take a cup of tea upstairs for alone time while the other supervised an activity downstairs. It was about carving out breaks for us.

When he went back to work we had a very structured day and carved into that was TV time at lunch while the youngest napped. The three year old and I would snuggle on the sofa with a cup of tea and a blanket while he watched two episodes of blaze and the monster machines (45 mins) then he would play independently for 30 mins while mummy had ‘her’ tv time until youngest woke. That lunchtime window got me through the afternoon until DH came home. Things improved dramatically for me when the weather picked up and we spent a lot of our afternoons in the local park.

If people want to buy you gifts and ask what they can get suggest money towards subscriptions to local soft play/play centres. Membership of play areas has proved great for us. That was their main Christmas presents from grandparents this year.

Good luck - one week in is very early days. You will look back in a year and be in a completely different place. You will still have issues but they will likely be different issues.