Sleeping Problems

[JulieBrightcamp]

2 months ago we adopted a beautiful baby boy (now 8 months old) He is settling in well , is forming a good attachment to both of us and is happy throughout the day.

Bedtimes however .....

We can get him to sleep with a bottle while resting on Mummy’s lap then put him in his cot fast asleep . He will wake a few times in the night but will usually go back to sleep with a Dummy / 2am Bottle / lots of assurance .

If we place him in the cot (in our room ) while awake he screams constantly so loud he shakes the walls. He is unable to self soothe at all and works himself into a complete state. We could happily carry on with what we are doing with the bottle but is it good for him or are we making a rod for our own back later on. Obviously if he doesn’t fall asleep with the bottle we have hours of mayhem with an overtired screaming baby.

The books and advice say controlled crying but he would just scream all night which is heart breaking and feels wrong .

Any advice from Other adopters who adopted a young baby . He was used to falling asleep on the Foster Mum and has no MH, LD or any identfied issues .

Hello, don’t leave him to self soothe. He’s just had his world turned upside down again. He’s crying because he doesn’t feel safe if you’re not there. Make him feel safe by being there. (A happy, sleeping child is not a rod for your own back, a child who never feels safe or secure may well be...)

Now’s a good time as well to start practicing/reminding yourself/reminding other people that parenting advice for other kids is not necessarily the same as parenting advice for adopted kids. (And there’s lots of birth families who reject controlled crying too.)

Congratulations on your new baby too 💐

He’s 8m old, way too early to identify MH or LD issues. He’s tiny, his whole world has just changed and he’s clearly struggling at night. I’d cuddle and comfort him for as long as he needed it. My two came to us at a much older age but both at times need to sleep with us, fall asleep on our laps, need us close by - it’s not about making a rod for your own back, it’s meeting your traumatised little ones need for safety and security.

I’d utterly ignore all mainstream sleep training advice when it comes to adopted children. Cuddle him, feed him, nurse him and let him get some sleep. He won’t need it forever but just now, while he’s trying to make sense of his world I’d give him what he needs.

Total cross post with @tdlr

It’s nice we agree 😀

This is normal!! Just feel reassured that it's not your baby- it's a lot of babies who do this!

Please don't do controlled crying. For any child it is cruel and they 'self settle' when they realise no one is coming to comfort them (self settling is a myth). I'd also naturally be concerned attempting it with a child who will have more issues with attachment.
I found the Gentle Sleep book super helpful to explain how children's sleep naturally develops.

Congratulations on your baby btw!

Thank you all so much. We were worried that by only allowing him to fall asleep with the bottle we were just making it harder for him to settle himself when he was older . You are right that he needs to feel secure and happy more than anything . I guess because he is so happy the rest of the time we are listening to bad advice from other parents .

Smile, nod, then do what feels right.

Our LO is 15 mths now and came to us at 6 mths. She is still in her cot in our room. If/when she crys going to bed or in the night we snuggle her in reassure her. If she needs to she stays snuggled in. She is number 5 and the only adopted but we did the same for all the others. They aren't babies long and they need the reassurace IMO. Congratulations and enjoy the snuggles

Congratulations on your lo.
I haven't adopted but just want to let you know my baby is exactly the same.. I just nod and smile at people then enjoy the cuddles and the rocking. Enhoy every second xxx

I slept next to my (non-adopted) daughter till she was 20 months, and never left her to cry. I couldn't do it.
Then I explained to her that she had to learn to sleep on her own and mummy was going to sleep in another room. A few tears on the first night and after that totally fine.

He's doing a great job of telling you what he needs, I would just go with it. We were told that DD1 slept 7-7, but we discovered that actually she was just lying there silently, presumably because she didn't expect anyone to come. You don't want that.

Our DS came home at 13m and was left to "self soothe" at the FC and I couldn't do it. So at first he fell asleep on me with a bottle and I would put him in his cot asleep, then after a few months I tried just giving him his bottle in the cot and giving him a kiss, saying goodnight and leaving him and he would fall straight to sleep. A few months back (just after he turned 2) we swapped the bottle in bed for a cup of milk downstairs before bed and 9 times out of 10 he still goes to bed and straight to sleep beautifully.

No rod for my back. Just gave my baby what he needed to feel secure and then tried to gradually step it down. It worked, but if it hadn't I'd have just kept at it for a bit longer then tried again.

The only thing I might try is a water bottle rather than milk - but to be honest I’d just carry on if the current situation is working. It won’t be forever. But I’d only try water if he was having water during the day and liking it...

Frankly it’s only for a few years and one day they will just sleep through without milk etc. It might not be for the first 2 years but hey.... when they are 18 they won’t wake for a bottle in the night. Sleep when you can. Good luck!!!

Agree you can't follow the normal sleep advice for an adopted baby. He is old enough to sense change.

Mine came to us at 10months so had an excellent routine in place, which we followed religiously. She was a good sleeper for about a month. Then began crying at night and not wanting to go to bed. I remember posting on here and getting lots of answers telling me she was clearly distressed etc. After much angst and hand wringing, we realised that she had been such a tired girl after her big move, she had been grateful for the naps. Once she had settled a bit, she no longer needed the massive naps! We cut her naps down and she went to bed happily again! I always found the timings of naps bloody difficult and was relieved when she dropped the things. Does yours nap? Could this be part of the issue?

Remember they change their routine as they settle and grow. I didn't think about that! Yes he could also be distressed but do look at practical issues too. My little girl just simply wasn't tired enough! She remained a good sleeper for about a year. Now, at age 3, she gets me up far more in the night that she ever did for that first year so they never stop changing.

It's an absolute killer not being able to sleep. We did sleep train but used a combination of pick up put down and so still holding sushing and lots of physical contact but just before he went to sleep placed him back in his cot so he was never alone or left to cry. Our little boy had a horrendous startle reflex whenever a door closed which resulted in two or three hours of purple faced screaming. We used a Jersey cloth to wrap round his tummy which made him feel secure and that was all from pre-birth trauma. I found carrying around in a slightly g for two hours each day also helped him to feel secure but you are so early days. This was not the magical cure all but instead of waking ten times in the night this reduced to just for feeds so once or twice. If you need any advice I actually went on a sleep course so can help if you wish. Good luck.

Hi Julie BC . I have two children , BC now 11 was a dream. AC now 5 needed everything different . I slept on mattress on floor when ever she night woke because leaving her just got her in such a state she would vomit . She had a bottle until aged four and now still sucks on a bottle teet sometimes but it's getting less . I agree with other adopters you have to give do much more and allow so much more . I definitely wouldn't do control crying . The first time we went on a date night she woke and was so distraught we came home and she kept asking why we left her . She was put to bed by babysitter and happy but needed us when she woke . And that's it , they need you so much . I will add we now have a beautiful confident clever 6 year old who sleeps all night but still needs us alot .

My birth children only went to sleep with a bottle until they were way way older than this. I took the bottles away when they were old enough to understand why. Give him whatever ever he needs and asks for every second of the day at this stage and you will have a secure, confident, independent child. Rods for backs are mega bollocks.

Our DD2 was 2.5 when placed.
Her routine was fall asleep downstairs with a story & bottle, and then be carried up to bed. So we carried on with that for a while, then switched to doing the same upstairs and then eventually no bottle but sit until she slept, then self soothe to sleep.

I guess I am saying, do what works for you. He's still tiny and you are all still getting to know each other.

We are 6 weeks in and our little boy slept great at first but now when he wakes during the night he needs cuddles. We are getting lots of people saying we are spoiling him and making a rod for our own backs but we are not taking any notice of it if he’s upset and needs soothed that’s what he will get. I just keep thinking he’s been through a massive change and just needs that reassurance.