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Adoption

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Original poster

Any advice from adoptive parents please

10 replies

Evangee · 10/03/2019 15:50

I’m not sure if this should go here but I need some advice and I’m hoping you guys might be able to help.

My ex partner has a new partner who’s children and currently in foster care. She is trying to get them back as far as I am aware. Ex and this lady have not been together for very long ( a few months) but have set up home together.

Ex and I have been divorced for years, no animosity, he doesn’t see DD through his own choice.

Last week I had a phone call from a social worker who had been given my number by somebody, he wouldn’t say who?!!

He wanted to know some background detail on ex and his relationship with DD. I told him the truth. I didn’t stick the knife in but I did tell him that ex has a habit of setting up families and then leaving when it all gets too much. (This is his 3rd family in 6 years).

SW said they were having some meeting that week about his partner wanting the children back.

I’ve had a message this morning on Facebook from a member of this woman’s family going bloody mental at me. She isn’t getting her kids back and it’s all my fault. I’m a jealous horrible bitch, they’ve set up home for these kids and I’ve ruined everything. The worst thing was she said how upset the kids were as mum told them they would be coming home.

I feel utterly retched tbh. I can’t imagine my statement would have swayed them not to give the kids to ex and their mother. There must be a higher threashold than that surely! Can anyone offer any advice?

I have screenshot the messages and will send them to the SW tomorrow

OP posts:
Original poster
Evangee · 10/03/2019 15:51

And I’m really upset that SW has obviously told ex and his partner that they spoke to me too!

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 10/03/2019 16:25

I can’t imagine my statement would have swayed them not to give the kids to ex and their mother.

No of course not. They are getting context on your ex to support the plan for these children, but children are only removed in the most extreme of cases. If I told you of the abuse and neglect that isn't enough to get kids removed you'd be shocked. The parents who do not get their kids back are the ones who will not or cannot change.

Presumably your ex has been lying to them, or your input would not make a difference. Would you rather the SWs saw your ex as a bulwark of stability and relied on him being there to protect the children from further abuse?

Can anyone offer any advice?

  1. Stop being silly. Entirely understandable feelings, but put them to one side now. Could you really have done anything other than tell the truth in a child protection case?
  1. Send the abuse through to the SW and be very clear that you do not want them to discuss you further with the ex or anyone else.
  1. Block the nutter and forget.
  1. Be pleased you had the wits and determination to get rid of that loser and raise your daughter well without him. Be pleased those poor kids in FC have adults who will protect and look after them.
Original poster
Evangee · 10/03/2019 17:09

I think her children are under a special guardianship order so there was more hope of her getting them back? I don't have any idea about how any of this works

I've blocked her already!

Thanks for your reply, I knew I was taking it to heart but I just feel really bad that these kids aren't going home

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Italiangreyhound · 10/03/2019 17:12

Evangee I think you did the right thing.

Whoever is saying your contribution stopped the kids going back is wrong.

If my husband were the reason I could have my kids I'd leave my husband (of almost 20 years). So if this woman says her boyfriend of however many months is the issue I'd not believe it!

Italiangreyhound · 10/03/2019 17:13

If they aren't going home, it means home isn't a safe place for them.

Original poster
Evangee · 10/03/2019 17:53

Apparently it’s her previous chaotic lifestyle and short term relationships with some DC chucked in. But now she’s all settled down and I have ruined it for her

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 10/03/2019 18:00

Evangee if she has changed she needs to put her efforts into getting her kids back and leave you in peace. Flowers

Ted27 · 10/03/2019 19:27

If this woman has only been with your ex a few months, Social workers would regard it as another short term relationship and her continuing her pattern of behaviour. If she had really changed would see that her children's best interests are not best served by living with a man she barely knows, regardless of who he is or what qualities he has.
Your information will form part of a much bigger and wider assessment if this woman and her parenting capacity.

I'd not worry about it.

Original poster
Evangee · 11/03/2019 10:51

A few months and she already has them calling him dad by all accounts 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
flapjackfairy · 11/03/2019 18:59

You absolutely 100 percent did the right thing. I am sorry to say but lots of families whose kids are in care fail to take any responsibility for their situation at all. It is never their fault, the soc worker is against them, they are being victimised etc etc . If they were not blaming you they would find something or someone else to pin the blame on. Sadly it all contributes to their failure to address the issues and be able to provide long term stability for their children. And if your ex cannot be bothered with his own child what hope is there of him sticking it out for someone else's ( and how hurtful for your daughter to boot ).
Sleep easy in your bed , I applaud you for being so honest. Not an easy thing to do under the circumstances

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