Birth mum wants to see birth son, please advise me

[Februaryblooms]

I lost my first born to adoption at birth in my late teens (I'm 25 now)

It wasn't a consensual adoption, the local authority made the decision to remove him at birth because I was regrettably going through domestic abuse and had no support network around me at the time to keep us safe.

Years later my life has changed completely, but my heart aches to see my little boy whom I miss terribly. I've gone on to have another child whom is in my care - once I managed to escape my situation and move away there was no longer any risks to prevent me being a mum, but DS1's adoption is forever irrespective of changes I've made and I have a permanent, gaping hole in my heart from where he is missing.

What are my chances of seeing him if I were to apply for direct contact through the court? Would anybody even entertain my request?

Would it be selfish of me to try to see him now he is settled? He has been with his new family for five years.

He does know he's adopted and his parents are reportedly very open with him about me and how much I love him.

I get one letter per year currently, no photographs and it's a closed adoption (not my wishes)

No safeguarding concerns about me as a person. I've been thoroughly assessed and discharged from any SS involvement after having DS2.

Adoptive families: would you facilitate this if you were my DS's parents or would you find it upsetting if I were to pursue contact?

I don't want to upset anybody, but I miss him so much. I can't go on another 13 years not having him in my life. It physically hurts

Firstly. I cannot imagine what you have been through- losing my children would break me. It is fantastic that you have turned your life around. Adopters spend a lot of time thinking about this stuff so please don't mistake any robustness in this or other replies for a lack of empathy.

What are my chances of seeing him if I were to apply for direct contact through the court?

None. You have no legal rights and if you try a legal route you will almost certainly end all contact.

Would it be selfish of me to try to see him now he is settled?

Yes. Hugely. I'm adopted and I would be furious with my BPs if they had put my parents through court action.

No safeguarding concerns about me as a person.

Yes, there are. Nobody can ever be sure you would not pass info to your former partner.

Your child's parents will not take risks, emotional or otherwise. Any face to face contact is going to be a long way off. What you can do now is to act in the best interest of your children:

• Be really supportive in contact. His parents are his parents.
• Get counselling so you have dealt with the grief as much as possible.
• Send the adopters any baby photos they don't have copies of.
• Get help with how to address the adoption with your youngest.

would you facilitate this if you were my DS's parents

When my children are old enough I will facilitate contact if they wish. Most adopters will. You might consider:

• Sending something from your DS each year, perhaps even a photo of you both.
• Asking to meet the adopters if you have not done so.
• Asking for a photo to be sent to you for viewing only through the LA.

Go very cautiously with the above. You must understand that his parents make the decisions. Look after yourself and make your son the priority, there is no rush.

Understand that your birth son may never wish to make contact- you need to process that reality before you consider increasing contact so you can focus on his needs. I really do hope it works out for you.

Thank you @donquixotedelamancha

I needed to hear the points you've raised, as upsetting as it is to face the facts as they are.

I'm just having a bit of a wobble today.

I go through the motions you see, I can be at peace with how things are then I'll start wondering 'what if' I could just see him. It's selfish I know, it's not about me in the grand scheme of things and I have to think of his best interests which don't include me at this point.

Truth be told I've never let go of hope that the adopters may want to meet me one day, even if it weren't with him. I still think of him as my little boy even though I know he has his mum and dad there.

I've had no contact with his birth father for several years and would never reopen that wound, though I appreciate there's no way they could know that for sure.

I'll ask about having a photo sent to my LA for viewing only, my current letterbox agreement states no photos as per their standard agreement so I hope I could have that amended. It would mean the world.

They already have every photo I took of him before he joined their family so unfortunately I don't have any others I could share with them from his newborn days. I made him/them a book with all of his newborn - 6 months photos in which I'm told they look at with him regularly.

They've asked I don't send them photos of DS2 yet as they don't plan on telling him about his half brother at the moment, they want to wait until the time is right.

I'm going to send an up to date one of me this year though, I'm due letterbox contact next month

I go through the motions you see, I can be at peace with how things are then I'll start wondering 'what if' I could just see him. It's selfish I know, it's not about me in the grand scheme of things and I have to think of his best interests which don't include me at this point.

I think that is entirely understandable. Most BPs sadly never get themselves together enough to participate in contact. The difficulty in facing the guilt and loss must be unimaginable. It is to your enormous credit that you are doing so. No one can take away your role as his birth mum- you will always be a part of his life. You can still have a positive impact, even if it is at a distance.

Truth be told I've never let go of hope that the adopters may want to meet me one day, even if it weren't with him.

Have you asked for that?

I'll ask about having a photo sent to my LA for viewing only

Slow down a bit. Rushing could scupper things.

• Do you refer to his parents as his mum and dad in letters? Frankly if not I would do so for a couple of years first.
• Do you write to them, not him?
• Showing you respect their wishes about the photos of your son is good. I would have thought once they have started to accept photos, and have had a couple of years of that working, would be better.
• I would really look at a face to face with parents as a first step.

This is a big ask. You need to build trust.

Last thought. Increasing contact to photos won't be a purely positive thing. It will also increase the sense of loss and pain, if you haven't reconciled those feelings. Have you been through counselling since the adoption?

Hi Febraury,
I am a Birth Parent fresh on the path. Currently waiting for the adoption order to go through.

Do you have contact or support with Afteradoption? I have found them to be incredibly supportive during the process since the placement order went through.

Letter box is really tough emotionally on all parties but I do believe birth parents find it the most challenging. I would engage positivitaly for a while, keeping them informed of updates regarding you and your child. However, I wouldn't even attempt to request direct contact at all.

It would likely make adopters not engage.

I understand how hard it is.

@donquixotedelamancha I haven't had any post adoption counselling no. I wasn't offered any through SS once the adoption was concluded and I never sought out any since. I bury my feelings alot of the time as it's a sensitive topic for me and not something I'm very open about, until I have a bad day like today.

I always refer to his parents as his mummy & daddy yes. I've also always written to them directly (in a letter separate to the ones I send my birth son for his memory book)

I'm forthcoming in expressing my gratitude for the life they're giving him and how he's being brought up. I have nothing but positive feelings toward them as a family and I'm confident that this shows in my correspondence to them. They've also always been very kind to me in their replies, congratulating me on the birth of DS2 and reassuring me that my birth son knows that I love him.

I'd like to think that our limited relationship via the letters is a good one, though I'm not sure how they'd feel about meeting as the LA have always asked me to amend that part of my letter before they would be prepared to pass it on to the adopters.

To my knowledge they have no idea that i would like to meet, but this is something I would like to ask them, but am unable to.

Hi @darkriver19886 thanks for your reply. I hope you're well. I know that the adoption process for me was the hardest time of my life so sending you strength on your journey.

It has got easier as time has gone by, and I do have more good days than bad now. The wobbles such as this one today are few and far between as I've managed to make peace with his adoption, for the most part.

I haven't received any support from after adoption although I would probably benefit from contacting them, even now years down the line. The whole thing is something I suppress as a form of self preservation, but when April is approaching every year I do start to ruminate and struggle in the run up to the letterbox contact.

I'll take on board what you've said about the potential for the adopters to not want to engage. I can understand why that would be.

I've been fortunate to have consistent letterbox contact for the past five years although some years it's a little late and I worry about whether it's coming or not.

I understand the fear about Letterbox because, it's voluntary on the adopters part we get little say if things change. However, I highly recommend contacting Afteradoption.

I attend therapy already privately and I agree being able to process my feelings regarding the girls when I feel able to discuss them has been invaluable.

Like you I recognise the adopters as my daughters parents and bare no ill will. I feel this will help maintain our letterbox going forward.

the LA have always asked me to amend that part of my letter before they would be prepared to pass it on to the adopters

It's right that they should. That request should go through the child's SW and be made by them in person, not in a contact letter. Of course, that should have been the first thing the contact co-ordinator said when rejecting the letter. You certainly are allowed to ask for that- it is the LA you are asking; it is not part of letterbox, but an additional service they can arrange.

As ever, fab advice above from darkriver. I'm really pleased she chose to contribute- you will find no-one better to advise you.

Please take her advice about after adoption. They can offer practical support on things like the parental meeting, as well as signposting to counselling. I really think the counselling is needed- sadly these days you have to hunt down support as SS are cut to the bone.

some years it's a little late and I worry about whether it's coming or not.

Not at all unusual. Often those delays are with the LA (although those letters can be really hard to write from this end too and so people will procrastinate).

I can’t imagine how painful this is for you. I’d echo what others have said regarding direct contact, in that it’s not something I would consider for my children. I would be more than happy to meet their birth mum and indeed that was part of our initial plan, but she wasn’t able to cope with it at the time. I would happily revisit that in the future if the opportunity arose.

You’ve had some good advice about seeking support, I hope you’re able to find peace.

@februaryblooms firstly it must be so very difficult for you, you were so young, and I am glad you have had some supportive comments on this thread

I would like to offer a bit of balance to the comments, because they seem to have overwhelmingly said you should put direct contact out of your mind for the benefit of your son, whereas in fact some adopters do want direct contact and there is a body of thought that direct contact will be of benefit to the child. I was adopted and had direct contact for many years. Please don't get your hopes up from what I have said, though, as it is impossible to know what the situation would be in your case.

I think that the idea of talking to afteradoption is a really good, and it is a good idea to get some advice in real life as most of us wouldn't be able to advise about practicalities, about how to find out whether direct contact would be possible and how best to approach it and deal with it.

Some other things to think about:

• If you pursue it in real life, it does have to be approached from the point of view of what is best for the child. That needs to be your focus.

• I think that even with direct contact it would be enormously painful for you. I think it would be helpful for you to talk that through with someone in real life - about the issues it would throw up for you over the years - so that if you do have direct contact you can commit to it and cope with it.

• If the adopters were open to the idea of direct contact I think that they would find it reassuring if you were aware of the risks for the child as well as the benefits, and that you were informed and had thought it through, that you had given some thought as to how it could be managed, for the benefit of the child

I don't think that the adopters should find it threatening or a breach of trust if a birth parent asks for direct contact to the extent that such a request from a bp should negatively affect the contact that already existed, as has been indicated by some posts. I think in fact taking that attitude could potentially conflict with doing what is in the best interest of the child.

I think everyone is right, though, when they say don't put it in the letterbox letters.

There are a lot of issues and many different viewpoints, and it sounds very hard, which is why I think it would be a good thing to get more advice and more support in real life.

Februaryblooms I am so sorry for your situation.

I have not got any advice to give except to encourage you to get counselling for you.

My little boy came to us by adoption. We do talk about birth parents etc.

I hope the future will be good for you and you'll get the help you need. We did ask to meet birth parents and they did not feel ready. Our son is a few years older than your son.

@sassygromit - do you mind if I ask how old you were when you were adopted?
My son was nearly 8 when he came to me, he saw his dad regularly throughout the 4 years he was in foster care. I was happy to facilitate direct contact with dad and his little brother because there was an existing relationship

So I'm not anti direct contact at all but I struggle to see how it would benefit a child adopted at birth or very young when there was no existing relationship.
My son is 14 now, contact with dad broke down after a couple of years. We saw him a few weeks ago for the first time in 4 years. He has not seen his birth mum since he was four. Following life story work he has asked to see her. But he doesnt want a relationship with her at this point, maybe that will change in the future but at the moment, he wants to satisfy his curiosity. I think that would be difficult for her.
I think one of the key issues with direct contact is the birth parents expectations and hopes for more than the child can give.

ted if you start a new thread asking the q about benefits where the child was adopted at birth I will answer. I don't think it is approp on this thread. Is that ok?

In case that doesn't happen, the short answer is that the benefits are the same where the child was a baby or younger child, the difference with an older child is that there may have been a relationship. But it isn't a one size fits all. How it is managed comes down to a variety of factors.