Birth mum opposing adoption

[whataday26]

After a little advice I suppose. Just been informed by lo's social worker that birth mum is going to oppose the adoption at our first court date next week. Does anyone know what the next steps are? What would have to happen for lo to be taken from me and returned to birth mum? How much of a delay will this add to the process? Feeling very worried and not feeling like I'm getting anywhere with getting answers from the social worker.

@whataday26 Is she capable of taking care of her son? Why was he taken in the first place out of interest?

Just make sure you impress upon the relevant people that you care for him and his best interests 100% and you have been the one there for him when she wasn't.

It will depend on if they think he is best off with her. (Unlikely tbh if he's already been taken by SS).

@whataday26 , the chances of your child being returned to birth mum are really very remote, she would have had to have completely turned her life around and have compelling argument to disrupt their life when they are settled.

By the way please don't feel you have to respond in any way to questions about why your child was removed.

@siestakey, its really very inappropriate to ask 'out of interest' why a child was removed from its birth family. This is very personal information and confidential to the child.

It is very rare indeed for a child to be returned to birth family once they have been placed with their adoptive family. It is not unusual for the birth mother to seek to oppose the adoption, but first of all the judge has to give her permission to contest. That in itself is a hurdle as the judge has to have good reason to grant permission to contest. IF that happens, the judge will give her a set time- maybe 2 or 3 weeks or a month - then she has to come back to court, with proof that she's made substantial changes to her life and can look after her child properly. It is really very unlikely that things will get this far. Please try not to worry.. easier said than done, I know! x

@Ted27 I know, it was more asking for a 'generalisation' if the circumstances- nothing in-depth. (Eg mental health/drugs) nothing more.

@whataday26 good luck OP- sorry if I made you feel like you had to answer!

Usual caveat, which I give every time I write this post: IANAL, my opinion is worth no more than any other internet randomer.

What would have to happen for lo to be taken from me and returned to birth mum?

This. will. not. happen. No chance, no way, your child is your child and they are staying.

Why am I so sure?

1. People don't change. BPs have had a lot of time to fix their lives and show they can parent- sadly most don't; but they certainly don't do so just because an AO is applied for. When it happens it's a long journey and if they could have done it by now then it wouldn't have got to this stage.

1. Even if they did, it's too late. The threshold for your child to be returned is for that disruption to be in the child's best interest. That is a very high bar- if it wasn't felt that being adopted was for the best it wouldn't have got to this stage. From the moment of placement that argument got a lot stronger.

1. It never happens. The courts don't do it. There was a case some years ago where the LA were slated and the adoption arguably should not have occured, but the adoption was upheld because of point 2.

Does anyone know what the next steps are?

If she's granted leave to appeal the LA will pay for a solicitor for you. Are you in Englandandwales?

How much of a delay will this add to the process?

Probably not much. If she actually gives it a go and gets granted leave to appeal (unlikely) probably several months.

Feeling very worried and not feeling like I'm getting anywhere with getting answers from the social worker.

Been there. This was the worst bit for me. I fretted for 7 months (unrelated delays). I had a bag packed and a list of countries with no extradition treaty. Total waste of energy.

My advice would be: ignore it. This is your child, it's a done deal, the paper work will sort itself. In the very unlikely event an appeal is granted- then you can fret. In that case go on AUK and contact people who've been through appeals. Until then, give it no headspace, you've got enough to do.

Thank you so much for the reassurance everyone! I know the likelihood of lo being returned to birth family is next to none but is still heartbreaking at this point. This process has been such a rollercoaster. Torn between being heartbroken about the opposition and being glad that I can tell lo that birth mum fought to the end.
Thanks again for your replies. Has really reassured me!

The advice already given has been great. Just as an added point I personally always felt that looking down the road to when we would be discussing this with LO that my preference would have been for B family to put up a bit of a fight, purely for the sake of LO not feeling that they couldn't have cared less. That's maybe a strange way of looking at it, but it made me feel a bit better.

As the others have said, things would not have progressed this far if there was a chance of returning to BM.

Best of luck x

whataday26 if I may add a tiny thought.. It's possibly quite common I think for birth parents to say they will oppose but how many actually oppose I don't know.

In the future you can say to your son that his birth mum really wanted to keep him but was not able to care for him and the professionals knew you were the right person.

Perhaps just try and think of it as part of his story. His birth mum wants to keep him (good for him to know one day) but you are the one doing the actual caring. A terrible scary part of the job, a terrible time but part of the process to finally free him into your care legally and confirm the role you already have in his life.

If this is unhelpful, please ignore.

When we adopted the BM wanted more contact. This delayed things by a few months, and we had the 'guardian' out to talk to DDs, and we had to write something too.

We found the writing bit really hard was we didn't really want it in black and white for DDs to read later saying we had blocked contact.
We ended up saying something like 'we want to act in DCs best interests, SWs as experts have advised us direct contact not in best interests, so we don't want it' or something. (Which was true).

The delay was hard for DD1 as she was old enough to be asking 'why can't we see the judge yet?' and we had to keep fobbing her off with judges are busy as we didn't think it was appropriate to share the real reason.

I know that this isn't what the thread is about, but sanders but is that common, do you know, for the SW to say it isn't a good idea, and for the court to consider it? And are you worried about your dc finding out that you blocked contact?

No idea if it is common. We actually have LB twice per year, including photos.
When they went into care a SW 'promised' a ridiculous amount of direct contact 4x per year or something. This sadly set up incorrect expectations for BM. The adoption SWs did assessments and considered direct not in best interests.
We didn't block contact, the SWs did, we just said we felt SW were in best position to judge, so hopefully DCs will be OK with that.

Sorry I misunderstood, I thought you hadn't wanted it written that you had blocked contact. It seems bizarre that the adoption SW feel not in best interest when the first SW had promised 4 times a year, as though there were a lack of joined up thinking. Do you feel the right decision was made, looking back?

Sorry OP I hope that it is all sorted out quickly for you.

Yes, I think direct would have been more disrupting than helpful for our DDs in their situation (especially reading how contact went when in FC), but the LB has been beneficial as it keeps the info flowing so when/if they want direct when adults there is a link.

Sanders we talked about direct contact at some point and it was not encouraged. I think it is very rare. I've only heard of it in real life when the contact is with a grandparent, (and siblings of course).

we have direct contact with birth dad, an aunt and her son. I've come across a handful of others with direct contact at adoption events.

I think it can be beneficial in some specific circumstances. I dont see the benefit to a very baby or child who has no real relationship with the birth parent. The reasons for removal of the child are also important.

My son was nearly eight when he came to me, having spent nearly four years in FC, during which he saw dad every week. They had a reasonable relationship, as a single adopter I wasnt offering an alternative dad. It seemed right to me to continue to facilitate some kind of relationship for the benefit of my son.

For me its been incredibly stressful, dad was able to maintain contact reasonably well for the first year, then he became increasingly unreliable. I battled on but eventually gave up.

Until last week we had not seen dad for four years. Its likely that we will resume some regular contact, for how long I dont know. But my son is fourteen now, hes had extensive life story work. He has a reasonable understanding of why dad is so unreliable.
Knowing what I know now, I would do the same again, in our circumstances, but wouldnt necesarily encourage other adopters to do the same. Direct contact can be benefical but only in specific circumstances and not as a general thing

I wasn't meaning to make this about direct contact and benefits, sorry, I was just curious about what sanders had said.

During our adoption training we were told that it's not necessarily a bad thing as it helps the adopted child later on in life when coping.
The theory was that the parents "fought" to keep their child and so it feels less like abandonment to the child, if that makes sense.

I think this is the hardest part of the adoption process, bf was contesting on both court hearings, hence to say he didnt turn up on either. My friends adoption process the bm was opposing and had appoint a solicitor but again it came to nothing. Like a sw said to us, once it come to the point of court the birth family know its the end, so they have one last go but they have been given multiple opportunities before hand to change and often dont. I had sleepless nights with worry and would have left town if they said we had to give back our son but it was over in a flash and then we were granted the order. Best day of our lives.