Aggresive 4 year old

[Kerhar]

Hi I am in desperate need of some advice as I feel we cant carry on like this any more, our family is being ripped apart by a 4 year old boy and I have no idea what to do. We had our son at 10months old the aggression and the violence started at about 2 years old, it was passed off as the terrible twos it then continued and was told to wait till he went to school but has got worse
He kicks me punches me, headbutts me and will chase me down to do this. I have tried my hardest to be a calm therapeutic parent and end up bellowing at him. When I collect him from school he will try to run off and when he holds my hand he will bend my fingers back. He screams in my face, spits at me but yet he wants me to stay in bed with him until he falls asleep. I feel im withdrawing from him to protect my self. Hes not as bad with his dad, saying that he did kick him in the face tonight. Any advice please

This article will say it better than I can:

www.parentingscience.com/aggression-in-children.html

There are other links in there too.

My dc was like this at 4, not so much with me, mostly, more with other children, and it took a lot of work but it can be done. There are so many variables here, it is difficult for anyone to give really good advice. It is likely to be to do with anger - but about what, things you could change or couldn't change? - and could be to do with his self control, to do with empathy, to do with trauma, to do with being too ahead at school or too behind, lacking social skills (all things which you could help with).

The most important thing is that you stay connected with him, try to grasp moments when you can get that, such as when he is wanting comfort at night to help him sleep. Keep giving. It will eventually come back to you.

Read books about how to treat others with him at night, and also books about feelings to get him to open up. I found last thing at night was the best time to find out what was troubling them.

Long walks, making sure you set aside 10 mins to play just with him in evenings, etc.

Kerhar please speak immediately to post adoption support at your local authority. Explain all the things you gave explained here.

If you feel you are withdrawing from him and that he could tear the family apart please do say tgis to post adoption support.

You do not memtiom any previous support. Is that because you didn't ask or asked but didn't get any, or because you got some support but it was not good/enough?

Our son was not aggressive but he was very moody/grumpy/frustrated etc. We had Theraplay (a specific kind of play therapy) when was about 5, nearly 6, for a year. It worked amazingly well.

I really recommemd asking for advice NOW, telling the post adoption support service how bad it is, and being persistent in following it up.

How does your dh cope?

I do feel very sorry you are managing this. At some point you may find yourself looking into various things like Autistic Spectrum Disorder etc. Keep an open mind about everything.

My birth dd is on the spectrum.

I really hope you will get help. Do not down play anything. Be hobest about how it is.

Would approach from all avenues, Consult you paediatrician and local Community SEND outreach team, better to start now, though it may be as you say terrible two's (belated) Separation and loss issues attachments. Better too address available interventions earliest.
We did this contacted LA's Schools statutory disability team who referred us too local SEND. DS was put on a Pathway plan assessment this brought on board lots of support , play therapy . OT., Sensory support, and training for ourselves. , As well as meeting other parents with children of similar issues. Has improved him no end and will probably lesson or prevent latent secondary issues. We went also post adoption support but went for the latter rather than a quick fix , his support under SEND is still in place. Unlikely to get a diagnosis of Autism or other spectrum at this young age most will say probable development delays., and look at interventions.
Wish you all the best XX.

Ive been beaten and kicked this morning all because he couldnt have a fruit shoot I literally cannot take anymore im lying on my crying whilst hes shouting at me to move house. This wasnt how it was meant to be

You need some help as others have said and with your parenting, OP. Have you already sought help externally?

Lying on your bed crying is going to be giving your dc the message that he is the boss, which is going to make things worse and will be very frightening for him, even if what he is displaying is aggression. You need to take charge and be the parent here. I am not sure about what was meant to be, but it is only you who can now change the situation, either yourself or by you getting some help. It is the weekend - where is your dh?

On Monday, can you contact Beacon House or similar and find out about referrals to get assessed by one of their clinical psychologists? They would be able to advise on parenting strategies as well as assessing your dc to see if other help is needed.

I'm sorry that things are so bad. sadly child to parent violence happens to a lot of adopted parents.

Your social worker or post adoption social worker (every borough should have one) should be able to access funding for support via an application to the government adoption support fund. There is a course called Non Violent Resistance which has helped a lot of parents. Has the school offered any help?

As a previous poster said set 10 minutes aside a day to watch him play (called attending). Let him lead the activity and give a positive running commentary on what he is doing. Ie for Lego "that's good you are putting the blue on top of he red piece". Don't ask questions or suggest what he should do. You can even do it for when he is playing outdoors.

Help with my parenting, thanks as if I dont feel rubbish enough. I have tried absoloutely EVERYTHING half an hour doing what he wants everyday you name it ive tried and yes I broke down and yes I cried I am only human and can only take so much.

OP don't feel rubbish. There is nothing to feel rubbish about. How has your day gone?

Oh OP, sounds like he has some type of SEN, has he been assessed? Reach out to your Hv? Is there a Senco at school? What is his behaviour like there?

Do you know much about the pregnancy? Fetoal alcohol syndrome can impact on behaviour and cause violent outbursts?

Non violent resistance is good training to have... I know lots of parents who have adopted have seen the benefit of this,

If you're on Facebook then find the Therapeutic Parenting page and join the group. They will advise you to join the NATP and you can then access helplines run by people who have been through what you're going through. They have great strategies to help you and people who can offer sympathy and empathy because they understand what you're going through. Sending hugs. It's hard.

OP, it is not that you are a bad or rubbish parent but it may be that you could do with help with parenting this particular child.

Adopted or not, he is a child and there will be strategies and techniques out there which will help him. With a proper assessment, any other needs will come clear too.

I have heard psychologists pass comment that sometimes struggling parents try everything, and it is this, the trying everything, which can cause problems, because it makes the parenting inconsistent!

In any event, there are two different things in this situation. It is right and proper that you are offered support here, and that you seek support for yourself, whether NATP or otherwise. But it is also important to make sure that your child's needs are being met and in relation to this it does sound as though you need help, just as almost all parents do at times, and take heart that you can and will find the right solutions.

I am concerned about you as you sound very unhappy and desperate. I hope that you are ok.

Hi

I usually just read the posts but reading yours I had to reply. 12-18 months ago I could have written your post myself. We were really struggling with anger and aggressive behaviour and did not know what to do. It was constant thrsats We, violence, screaming, breaking things and tears. We were recommended many things but three in particular made a huge difference. We took "the incredible years course" recommended by a behavioural therapist the nursery brought in due to his violent reactions. This helped us to deal with confrontations in a very different way. Second we contacted post adoption support and went on a course called safebase, which gave us a whole different perspective and I would recommend it for every adoptive parent. Third we have been doing a course of theraplay which increased attachment. This was all done with the help of post adoption support and use of the fund. Really importantly we talked to friends and family about it so we didn't feel alone. Things now are still not perfect but the violence is gone and the tantrums are down to 1-2 per week. More importantly I know longer feel like I am failing him and I can see my beautiful boy back in him. His issue was all down to a feeling of insecurity and that he completely lacked permanance. He came to us a similar age as yours, and showed the bahviours at the same age. Once he realised he couldn't scream and hit us out of his life he started to break down the anger. Every experience is different but sat 12-18 months from where you are (and believe me I cried and hid and dreaded every day for a while just like you) I wanted to say with the right support you will make bigger steps forward than you can imagine and there is light. Having gone through it trust me I am now the most protective and crazy tiger mum ever and nobody will upset my baby. As some initial tips we started to give three things we were proud of every night (no matter how small), during rage moments we would not speak of challenge, stayed out of hitting distance but stayed in eye line. We also used a book called no matter what, and would read this after every tantrum calmed. We never let him go to sleep without us being there (as night time terrified him). I hope it helps in some way but I wanted to make you feel that you are not alone and you can get support through this.

Kerhar I am thinking of you because this sounds so very hard.

Please call post adoption support first thing Monday and tell them what is going on. I think I said before we found Theraplay very helpful.

You are a good mum, you clearly care about your boy but you are being treated terribly and you need to get help because this is not ordinary parenting.

Of course it was not meant to be like this.

But there will be a way ahead. You just need to convince post adoption support to access the fund and provide the support you need.

Crying and being upset is quite normal. Please get your husband to take over so you can get some rest, see friends, have a bubble bath, go for a massage etc.

Please keep talking to us if it helps. xxxxxx

Kerhar we all feel like things are going wrong at times. Please protect yourself and do not get within striking distance when he is tantruming.

Mumof22015 wrote such an encouraging reply, please take heart. Xxx

I've felt such a failure at times but despite my children's issues, I know I am not and you are not a failure at all. This is a very tough situation, you need the right tools and support.

@Kerhar any news?