Rejection of one parent

[Woollysocks18]

Just wondering if anyone has any experience of this in the early days of placement and how to manage it?

Yup we had it, DS was 13mo and wouldn't go near my DH who had taken 2 months of leave. No real advice as it's not something you can control, but you will get through it. My son 100% still favours me a year later but is perfectly happy with DH if I'm not there.

It's really bloody hard. Actually the one piece of advice I do have is remember that you're a team - Parent A can end up resenting parent B because parent A is having to do all the child stuff and it's exhausting, whereas Parent B can end up resenting Parent A because they just want to help.

Thank you Hop, good to know it's not just us. Our LO is 3 so is very articulate and can be quite mean to my OH. I know that sounds a bit silly but OH is trying so hard with him, it breaks my heart a tiny bit when LO tells him to go away or "stop talking to me".

I return to work shortly so it will be just the 2 of them, I'm a bit worried about how that is going to go.

Ours preferred my oh. Now 3 years later they are fine with both of us and go to us both for different things! Has us completely sussed out

We have this sometimes with both of our girls (18
Months and nearly 3), the favourite is usually whoever has been looking after them that day. At the moment I'm on Adoption leave & the main Carer, so I'm normally the favourite, but if I've been away for the day or something, then it will be DH.

Yes there is an element of flipping back and forth between us as 'the chosen one'. We've actually both admitted that things are much better when it is only one of us at home, I'm not sure but it could be because LO then gets undivided attention. He has been known to have a meltdown if we are chatting or else he will go into 'look at me mode' until he gets attention. I suppose only time and a feeling of security will help.

I hate the thought that he maybe feels threatened by the relationship me and DH have so he wants him out of the equation IYKWIM? its so hard not to over analyse everything he says / does.

Im sure I've read that they need to build one secure attachment before beginning to build others. It's completely normal in a traumatic experience to latch onto one person who you seem safe.

What helped with me is showing our DS that I trusted DH. So we made sure we were affectionate in front of DS (nothing inappropriate of course!). Even now if he doesn't want to give his dad a goodnight kiss I say "that's ok I'll give daddy a goodnight kiss instead", go over and kiss my DH, and my DS will happily follow and do the same!

It’s also a normal development stage for children, many children go through a difficult stage of rejecting one parent. Often when younger it’s dad they latch on to, whereas a little older in can be mum. Some flip about. It’s tricky!

We had the same thing with our AD3, she was awful to DH for the first few months. Looking back I don't know how he got through it but he just kept going & now they have the loveliest relationship. Things that helped us were, DH took AD swimming every week just them, even now he takes her to her swimming lessons and they swim together after. He was super playful with her & used PACE even at the most difficult times. And nursery helped with it by getting books like "I love my daddy" and talking about dads and how special that relationship is - this has a surprisingly big impact on our AD. Keep reassuring your DH if he keeps trying & stays positive it WILL get better & be totes worth it but yet as PP say, don't forget you're a team.

DD2 used to cry every other night for 1-2 years when it was DH's turn to do her bath and night routine. She used to cling on to me, as if she were distraught. Heart breaking.
Usually by the time they were half way up the stairs she was giggling away.
She just couldn't do parting.

It would have been very easy to give in and me do everything. But then DD1, placed at the same time, would have missed out, and I would never have got a break.