Letter to my ex contesting my partners Step Parent Adoption

[Beasie82]

So we informed our local Social Services of my partners intention to adopt my little boy. My partner and I got together when I was 4 months pregnant, we've known each other a long time since our first days at Nursery School and although we lost contact for quite a few years the power of facebook brought us back together. My partner made the choice that he wanted to be my little boy's daddy even born my son was born. I spent a week in hospital just prior to his arrival and my partner was there from 7am until 11pm everyday waiting in anticipation for this little boy's arrival. When he took his first breath the man my son calls daddy was the first person to hold him and he has been there everyday since providing for him, taking care of him, everything a parent should do. Yesterday i found out that although my ex partner who wanted no part of this childs upbringing and called him a mistake is now contesting the application as he now wants to see him and retain his parental responsibility (he is not stated on the birth certificate so legally he has none!!). He is happy with the fact that my partner is bringing him up, financially and emotional and has admitted that he has never tried to make contact or see this amaxing little boy. I'm angry but more upset that an innocent 2 year old is being let down again by the man that helped create him. I know it wouldn't be a good idea to confront him face to face so I have wrote him a letter asking that he makes a decision based on the child in question and not himself. Here it is changed names obviously what do people think if you was in my shoes would you want to say this ....

Dear ....

So, we’ve just heard that you’re contesting the application to adopt Son. Do you realise that the only person you’re going to hurt by doing this is an innocent 2 year old boy that knows nothing of you.

You know nothing about him, you’ve never made an effort to know him, never paid a penny do you really think by contesting this application it is the best option for Son. Do you know what Son’s favourite teddy is, his favourite film or TV programme? Do you have any idea what he likes doing or how to comfort him when he’s sad? What scares him, what food does he like? Do you know any of the amazing achievements he’s made in his development since he was born? Do you know if he has ever been ill? All basic questions a parent should know about their child but you wouldn’t know any of the answers. The only man that does know all of this is the man that Son calls daddy and always will, he is the man that was there for him before he was born, the first male voice he heard whilst growing inside me, the first person that held him the moment he came into this world and the person that has cared for him since the moment he took his first breath. The man that took on the role as daddy by choice, the person that has provided financially for him, the man that has paced up and down the room night in night out trying to settle him when he’s had a night terror, or been sick, or his teeth are giving him grief or Son just simply wanted a daddy cuddle. Son dotes on Partner and the love and bond they have will never be broken.

The court will want to see that you are being reasonable in contesting the application and after admitting to the Social Worker that you are happy with the current arrangements, that you have never once made an effort to try contact him and be in his life or pay a penny towards his upbringing and care will only result in one outcome after an unnecessary battle through court. I told you when Son was 5 days old that you needed to seek legal advice and go through the courts if you wanted to be a part of his life. You chose not to do anything back then, now after all this time and only due to the application that partner is making have you decided that you want to see him! I probably would have had more respect for you had you done the right and moral thing and allowed the adoption to go ahead.

If after reading this letter you still want to go ahead with contesting the application then both myself and partner will see you in court but before that I just wanted to inform you of something that you’re probably unaware of. My son is 2 within the next week so that is 104 weeks that you have failed to pay any maintenance. I have been provided with your actual salary so I have been in contact with the CSA with regards to this matter. You would have to pay me £56 per week, so since the day he was born that totals £5824.00 of missed maintenance payments. If you want visiting rights that also includes stepping up to the mark and paying for the child that you called a mistake (your exact words!) and wanted nothing to do with which will include paying regularly. I still have all the messages from you stating Son was a mistake and that you wanted to be no part of his life or know anything about him, all of which are saved and I will be passing onto the courts along with all the other messages that I received from you trying to force me into having an abortion!

Just so you are aware this letter isn’t written in anger, this is just from a loving parent who is only wanting the best for her child and a fight through the courts to get what he rightfully deserves isn’t that. All I’m asking is that you really think about the decision you are making. You can’t make up the time you have missed nor can you justify missing any of it, there have been so many firsts that you haven’t even known about but partner has been there for every single one of them like a father should be.

Please don’t contest this application out of spite or some kind of game playing. This is about a child’s life and what is best for him and him only. If you cared you would have been there before now or even made an effort to try. As a father you failed him then please don’t fail him now when he has an amazing daddy to care for him. Think long and hard about this and what is in the best interest of a little boy that knows nothing of you and the only person to blame in that is you and the choices you made.

[bullyingadvice2017]

I think if he's a twat he will carry this on and ultimately you will have a hard time. I'd have left it until he's maybe 5 and your married etc.
Also I know he will owe maintenance but, it wouldn't be back dated and you do realise that there is no coronation between maintenance and contact. If you use money as a tool you will be looked on very badly in court. Yes it's shit but that's the way it is.
From a parent owed 8k in maintenance arrears who's also expected to put up with shit parent no1 every other week for a few hours. They now have the last of many court orders on his wage. I still never see any!

[thetom]

Hi Beasie, this is a really tough situation and I definitely feel for you. I don't really know the situation regarding the law so take what I say with a pinch of salt, but if you've not already sent the letter I'd probably advise you not to. I completely understand that you'd rather things don't get contested in court and it all just goes smoothly, but in this instance I think it might be in your interest just to let the process run its course. In particular I think the paragraph payments hits slightly the wrong note. As you say, he doesn't have any parental responsibilities as his names not listed on the birth certificate, but that also means he doesn't have any legal duty to pay child support. If someone was being really uncharitable then they could read that paragraph as saying, "give me £6000 and i'll let you see your son". I know that's not what you're saying in the slightest, but if things are potentially going to end up in court then you need to be really careful about what goes down in writing to him. Based on what you've said, I would've thought you've got a really strong case and there's every chance the court would allow your partner to adopt your son, even if it's contested. As painful as that process might be, I think you'll probably get the best results long term if you only deal through the courts and let that process follow its natural course. I really hope everything goes well for you.

[Beasie82]

Bullyingadvice2017 I havent said he has to pay the money back I have stated the amount of missed maintenance payments but if he so desperately wants to see my son that knows nothing about him at all through no fault of anyone but ex then he will need to support the child. I havent used money as a tool. He has said to the Social worker that he is happy with the current arrangements and he's admitted he's never seen my son or even tried to make contact but now he has decided he wants visits but keep everything the same. We don't need to be married for my partner to adopt my son he has been in his life for 2 years and we have lived as a family since that time along with our other 6 children that is sufficient for a court to grant the adoption the only stepping stone is that some person that has never made any interest in this child now decides that he wants to stop that. This is out of spite as there is also his other ex that has also recently taken him to court on a different matter but it just so happened to coincide at the same time as our application. Our assessment has been ongoing since November and this was the final part before we went to court. The week prior he didn't want to contest the application when he had his 1st meeting with the SW.

thetom thank you for your coments I have rewritten the letter about 10 times the first few versions were a little angry. The anger is only due to him now contesting it saying he now wants to see my boy. He did fail my child from the very start and I really don't want him to do that now. He's never seen him, known anything about, never even asked about him and he literally works down the road from me. He didnt want me to keep the pregnancy going and was pressuring me to terminate but with 3 older children i couldn't do that and was prepared to do this all on my own. My partner came along and didn't want me to do that. I'd understand him to contest it if he'd been apart of his life previously and they had a relationship etc but this just feels so wrong. My girls dad was a nightmare and not very nice to me whilst in the relationship and after but i never stopped him seeing my children albeit they now only see him for 1 night a week his choice. I just hope the courts do the right thing for my little boy

[TwoRoundabouts]

OP as a PP said let it run it's course and don't send the letter.

In fact if you do and your ex gets a solicitor it can be used against you as it is very easy to misrepresent what non-legally minded people write.

He clearly has no interest in the boy but the letter could trigger him into trying to get parental responsibility through the courts and as the biological father they would easily grant it.

Also you are aware even if not named on the birth certificate your ex has a duty if you request it to pay child maintenance?

[PrivacyPolicyYeahRight]

Don’t send it! You are the bigger person, you have a wonderful family with your partner. Don’t respond in any way, do it all through the formal procedures. Let him contest, you know what he hasn’t done and it sounds like he has admitted having nothing to do with your child. Let the court decide and take it from there, don’t send a letter that can be used against you. Don’t feed his anger or annoyance!

[Knitwit101]

You've written your letter, its a great letter. Your feelings are really clear and the points you make are all good ones. I think I would want to say all of those things too. But please don't send it. Just tear it up now and let things run their course. Your letter is not going to change a single thing. Your ex is a twat, he is not going to read it and suddenly realise what a twat he has been and stop. He'll just carry on regardless. Be the bigger person, even though it's insanely frustrating.
You sound like a lovely family, I hope things work out for you

[Rainbowshine]

As others have said the letter will be used against you, don’t send it.

Good luck with it all.

[iwillkeepthishouseclean]

Ok you're probably not going to like my point of view but I'm looking at this from a child's point of view

You stated you contacted him after 5 days stating if he wanted to see his son he could go through the courts unless their is valid reason for this you immediately make it hard for the biological father to see his son.

Would you tell your son he is adopted ?

How would you feel is he wanted to see his biological father later in life ?

Have you asked yourself do you have a responsibility to ensure you could find this person if you child ever asked these questions.


I am not an adult who went through the process of finding my biological dad (when I was older In life mid thirties and whilst it wasn't the most successful story it was something I had always felt the need to do since child hood. I don't know you're story so you may have valid reasons for all of the questions above I am
Just trying to come at this from a different perspective ?

[iwillkeepthishouseclean]

Ps I was brought up my a man who I call dad and love as a dad but still felt the need to find my biological dad.

My dad who brought me up was there for me for my childhood and when I got married and still there now.

[clairedelalune]

Great letter but don't send it, it could somehow be used against you.
Remember that the judge will be looking at what is in your child's best interests and may well consider that your ex isn't. While this is different from adopting from care, if this was adoption from care the bps would have to prove significant sustainable change and I would have thought that in this case the judge might expect similar. Has he asked you for contact at all ever or has just brought it up since the letter from the court landed on the doormat? I think your solicitor could mention the money, it might put him off. Would certainly test his commitnent. Judges are not keen on people flitting in and out of children's lives.

[Halo84]

I agree, don’t send it. Hire a lawyer. If he does manage to put the adoption sideways, that’s the time to sue for maintenance.