adopting a child that hits/pushes

[popster10]

hi I have an 10 year old birth son. I am being matched for adoption at the moment. I am a single adopter. My son's father has the 10yo some of the time.

I started the matching process with a boy who is currently 6. When i met with the foster carers they described him hitting and pushing their own 7 year old son sometimes (about once a week often when time wasn't structured on a weekend) This appears to have settled down in the last 2 months and the little boy has sometimes pushed/hit the foster carer, over the course of the placement there. At present this is about weekly usually when they have intervened to stop him doing something.

After i found out how often this was happening in Sept I was concerned about whether to go ahead and wanted to make sure i had all the information. My own side weren't keen for me to ask more in case it appeared i was anxious about it. when some reports did come through they didn't mention much more about it. Things have all hurtled ahead now and it really is crunch time about deciding to go ahead or not. They finally agreed for me to have a phone conversation with the foster carer to ask more. I felt more reassured after this and to some degree it appeared these issues have occurred with the adults when he has been flailing his arms around when having a tantrum. He has also thrown toys in his room.
What i am struggling with is how i feel now. Because I spent weeks trying to get enough information to decide I had mixed feelings about going ahead. Although i have additional information which reassured me, there is still a risk his behaviour may flare up with the trauma of moving again and i am finding it so hard to decide what is the right thing to do for him, my son and myself. Time is not on my side with age. I am just concerned about how much this boy can learn not to hit out and the uncertainty about this further down the line. The foster carer feels he is capable of learning but undoubtedly his having been potentially exposed to violence in his environment in the first 2 years of life doesn't help.
Does anyone have experience of these issues and how it panned out?

Post edited by MNHQ at OP's request

The child is 4 and presumably has had a very tubulent life.

You sound like you aren't ready to adopt to be honest as you think it will be a smooth path.

You sound like you aren't ready to adopt to be honest as you think it will be a smooth path.

That is a pretty poor thing to say to someone who is approved and matched. It is absolutely the right thing to do to ask a lot of questions and examine your feelings carefully, doubly so when you have a birth child.

DD1 is 5. She hits. With a lot of effort she is nowhere near as violent as when she was 3-4. She still has big aggressive paddies. It's not fun, but it pales next to the joy of most time spent with her.

She hasn't had violence in her life, there is no obvious reason- it may well be related to a poor start but it may not. I know many parents with home grown kids who are similarly highly strung at this age.

All kids can change and grow, of course she can learn not to hit. The parenting you provide makes a huge difference, but it isn't a magic wand. All you can really say for sure is that a child with that kind of background is likely to have more challenges. As PP says, you do have to accept the potential for very tough times indeed.

Personally hitting out when dysregulated, at 4yo, would not be a huge red flag for me in and of itself.

We adopted a child who - at 4, didn’t hit. Now he is 7, he hits all the time.

If you don’t think you can cope with hitting (and it can be awful), don’t go ahead. It has been awful for us but we love him and will get through this.

But be prepared any child may hit - its a possible way they communicate because they are so angry with the situation. The problem is you can adopt a 4 year old who doesn’t hit. And at 5, they can start hitting.

I think howtotrain was possibly a bit harsh on you - but any child you adopt could seriously disrupt your family life. There is just such a lot of u knowns - having even a birth child unsettles the family, an adopted child has different issues and comes with them lots of baggage which may manifest in very unpleasant, stressful, maybe violent ways

I wonder if you're coming face to face with the reality of challenging behaviour and how it will affect your family @popster10 ?
I'd say lashing out and pushing is a fairly standard behaviour to expect in many young children and especially children who are working through trauma. Has this been explored with you through the approval process? Have you thought about therapeutic parenting options and how you and your dd will deal with the reality of behavioural issues? Because if you don't have a clear idea of how you'd deal with behavioural issues, perhaps you do need to give yourself a break to really think things through and make a plan. Good luck!

What I meant was - I think howtotrain was possibly harsh but she may also be right. You have a birth child and so you have an added consideration. There is never any certainty any child will not hit/kick/take drugs/not develop an eating disorder. There are just additional risks with an adopted child.

I didn't mean to be so harsh. What I meant as that I wouldn't have thought it would be plain sailing and given that the adoptee will have likely had a rough time, it's an unpredictable situation particularly when you have a birth child. Difficult time for you, and kids do push/hut etc at various times.

Thanks everyone, yes I am familiar with the theory of therapeutic parenting/ done training but was interested to hear how things panned out for people. It's also helpful to hear how people have felt about it when there have been issues. Your responses were very helpful, Thanks

I think you’re right to ask questions but I also know it’s pretty common for traumatised children to lash out (typical responses to trauma are termed fight, flight, or freeze for a reason). My DD hits occasionally, it has lessened as she has become more settled and secure in herself and more able to self soothe.

I’d suggest the child doesn’t so much need to learn not to hit, as much as they need to develop the capacity to self regulate. Strong, caring, trauma informed parenting will help with that.