Should I just get rid of all the stuff?

[AthenaMinerva]

We are at the beginning of Stage 1, with one BC, aged 6. We have a lot of baby/toddler/pre-school stuff (clothes, equipments, toys, books), more than average as we had BC later than our relatives and friends so they passed on all their stuff to us. Our SW has commented on the "clutter".

Am I kidding myself that we will ever use it with an AC? Should we just get rid of all or most of it?

I'm feeling really down today about our prospects of being approved or matched. It feels like our SW expects our house to be a blank canvas, rather than one already lived in by a child.

It depends how bad you want it tbh. It can be an arduous journey for sure and only you know if it is one you all have the resilience for. But I wouldn't base that decision on a sw comment. Put what you don't need into storage , then you have it when /if you need it later. You do not need an immaculate house to adopt and forget striving for perfection as they are not looking for that. But be open to their suggestions if they are helpful and a valid point as well.
I know I often felt like you and thought it would never happen for me. But it did and it is wonderful and I have no regrets.
My instinct is to say chin up, don't fall at the first hurdle . You can do this Athena . Sometimes the most rewarding things are the hardest but so worth it in the end. Good luck and we are hear to offer support along the way X

Thank you for your kind and encouraging words, flapjack. You're right - resilience is key. It's just so hard to see your own home through other's eyes as I'm just used to it. We spent all weekend tidying (ha!) and then to have the SW ask if it was always this cluttered... In a room with a medium-sized box of children's toys and a bookcase of DVDs, books and children's jigsaw puzzles. Or maybe I just don't notice the pile of crochet/knitting stuff and the computer equipment in the corner anymore. In the end, it's a balance between regret at letting go of stuff (rarely regretted) and regret at not putting enough into the process. So yes, chin up and onwards!

Find a site that tells you how many outfits you need of each side for a child. Go through all your stuff and choose the ones of the best brands, best fabric that were most practical (e.g. if one had a really awkward clasp that made it fiddly to use, put it in the 'no' pile). Get rid of the ones that don't make the grade - put them up on a freebies Facebook page for someone to collect or donate them to your local second-hand shop. Also go through your toys and remember which ones your BC hardly played with, and which ones they loved. Only keep 2-5 toys for each age range, donate the rest, and donate anything really large like rocking horses or bikes, (unless they're super good or they have sentiment attached e.g. if your grandmother gave you the rocking horse that she had as a child...). You can buy more later when you know their play style and preferences. You'll feel better knowing everything you have is excellent quality and worth keeping because it will get used. There will also be little enough of it you can put it all in storage boxes in a wardrobe, and make your house look like that 'blank canvas' the SW wants, but also you are fully prepared if you don't get a lot of notice of a child coming soon (surely they'd like it if you're well prepared?). Best of luck!!!!

Can you post a photo - maybe we can be objective? My friend doesn't think his house is cluttered - whereas I see a hoarder.

We have BC, and recently approved. We have been chucking stuff out, though, tbf.

I want to feel there is space to introduce a new person's stuff without limiting things for them.

I personally would get rid of it. You don’t know what age your child will be, you don’t know anything about them specifically yet so why keep things on the 5% chance they’re going to use it??

Put it on Facebook for free and get people to come and collect it from you. Other people may be able to use it whilst you’re waiting. (See thread about endless waiting!). Or you could sell it and buy new things for the adopted child!

Remember the fc will have lots of stuff for your new dc - and so they will come with a lot! One of our biggest stresses was where to put everything...!

Also I’m the third child and I fully remember feeling like such a loser when none of my clothes/toys were mine - and were all hand me downs. I remember complaining and my mum taking me to c and a and giving me £20 to spend and it being such a treat. I’d imagine it could cause quite a big rift with an adopted child when you have a birth child - but you can’t really predict how they will feel about it all... and I suppose if you’ve got some good stuff you’d want to keep it and use it again and they wouldn’t need to know where it had come from!

Good luck with it all!!

Lots of children come with very little from FCs. Mine came with one small cuddly toy, and just a very small number of clothes (two pairs of trousers and a few tops). My friends have recently adopted a five-year-old, and he also came with no toys at all, and just a small Tesco bag of clothes, half of which were too small. What children arrive with varies enormously from one foster carer to another.

I love my clutter, books, travel momentos, photos, apart from the never endeing pile of post on the dining room table and the shoes which never find a home. My house is very untidy ( though clean!) I think you do stop seeing it. Every so often we have a blitz, I tell my son that we don't have to worry about burglars, they'd take one look and think we had already been ransacked!
Stick all the crochet stuff in a basket, clear out the any broken or damaged kids stuff, store anything you want to keep but that your BC has out grown.
But don't get too hung up on one comment - there will be much more important things to worry about.
Good luck

Our LO came with so much stuff, basically everything they had ever had from birth. The SW might be looking at it from the angle of where your adoptive childs belongings will fit into your home, or maybe they are just a bit rude!

I remember at a training session a SW told us that it's a bit concerning going into an immaculate home when there is a small child there. There should always be stuff around that the child is playing with or plays with regularly. As long as it is clean and you are not hoarding then I wouldn't worry at all.

Best of luck

My little one came with so much stuff, we had to move house haha.
I’m surprised they’ve commented on clutter, we had sw comments on how tidy and uncluttered we were and that it wasn’t healthy 🙄I guess you can’t win.
Anyhow, 4 years next month since we got our babe and we have initial visit tonight for baby 2! We must be crazy!
Stay strong, at the time you’ll feel like your jumping hoops and it’ll never happen, just take each meeting, each form, each question one slow step at a time and before you know it you’ll be there xx

Thanks everyone for the advice. I do know it's cluttered - we don't have a loft or garage so can't hide stuff away. I just need to overcome my attitude of thinking everything will come in handy one day. Maybe I should Kondo it all.

And I do appreciate that it's not nice having only second hand stuff but with BC I've seen it as having a ready made wardrobe means we've been able to buy extra (possibly less practical) items without too much thought.

Unfortunately at this stage we do not know of a perspective placement 's history ,trauma or attachment's or other wise . think sw is reading from the book as a safeguarding issue., also separation and loss issues. Many children feel secure maintaining their own senses of smell and senses and familiar things such as toys and clothing, bedding. would go with the flow in the best interest of the child.

And Ted27, I used to make that joke about not being able to tell if we'd been burgled or not and then, sadly, we were burgled and, believe me, you can tell the difference! All drawers just pulled out and contents tipped out onto the floor. Even I'm not that bad!

Good point fasparent and I think I'd respond better to being told that ie it's better for the child re familiarity or feeling valued by choosing their own stuff, than being told to tidy up so that the child's social worker will choose us. I guess I'm still getting used to the process - and, naturally, processing my thoughts of 'if only' re my infertility and BC2 being stillborn meaning I wouldn't have someone looking round my house, making (perfectly legitimate) comments. It's ultimately a good thing to be forced to think things through.

Yes some can be a little thoughtless and tactless , just go on assumptions or have little experience.
As an FC have had too endure on occasion's., have had too do intro's completely without ss support or appearance right down too placing the child in placement ourselves some time hundred's of miles away, child and myself staying in hotel . doing final visit and overnight assessment ourselves. Still outcomes have been very very good. Which is brilliant.

Our twins came to us at 22months with 2outfits 1 set of pyjamas, and a bag full of old toys covered in black mould- none of them were seen at intros and all the clothes worn at intros disappeared mysteriously.....

We had bought some new bits bit didn’t know how much stuff they would arrive with as at the fc’s House we were told it would be several suitcases full (again these never materialised).

Do what is best for toy &other half, if you feel it’s too much clutter then get rid. eBay/ fb marketplace was a godsend for us getting small bits and to sell on as well!

@AthenaMinerva, the reason I live in my current house is that in the previous one I was burgled or vandalised about 15 times in two years, so sadly I do know what its like. Of course my house is generally not that bad, apart from what we refer to as the Room of Doom, where I currently cannot see the floor or the bed!

My social workers were all very very lovely but all of them (different ones for different stages plus childs) ALL had different ideas on everything; they do go by the book but they are also human and have their own ideas about living and lifestyle.
My house is definitely not minimalist and definitely very lived in. I put away breakable antiques until i knew what i was dealing with and have been very lucky to have received loads of handmedowns (as well as buying new stuff too). Mine came with 5 full car loads of stuff (was spoiled rotten by foster family).
Personally if i were you, i would clean all the stuff and pack it away nicely and then it is there if you need it. Seems madness to get rid and potentially rebuy! My child loves all their stuff, second hand and new; unless they are old enough to understand the difference I don't see how they would not feel worthy without new stuff?

My social worker asked me why I didn;t have a stair gate. I was single and childless and at that point it was taking 2-3 years to be matched and I was about 6 months in...

Just smile and nod and clear some stuff into storage/garage/shed/ebay, but waiting is actually a good time to declutter (says she not taking her own advice)

haha Kewcumber - my first SW was very exercised about my 'failure' to complete the health and safety questionnaire - namely the sections on car safety and some of the garden safetey - I had to point out several times that a. I had no car and b.there was no garden pond to cover or lawn to mow so no big dangerous lawnmowers