AIBU to be pissed off with this medical advisor?

[Rainatnight]

We've just been to matching and approval panel for DC2, full in sibling of DC1. Yay!

LA have been a bit disorganised and crap as ever about the whole process, so I'll caveat what I'm about to say by saying I accept I'm just quite grumpy at the moment!

Two issues with the medical adviser really got my back up.

First, DP and I toddled off to our medicals, having been given forms by the LA for a short, update medical for adopters who'd already been approved.

The new medical advisor saw the medicals and insisted we go for full medicals, ie a whole new separate appointment for no reason other than the fact that she didn't have the full medicals from our last time around (because she couldn't find them). So we had to take MORE time off work, and bloody panel had to be delayed!

So that's issue 1.

Issue 2 is that while we were waiting to go into Panel, someone said she wanted to see us. We were a bit surprised but said fine. In she comes, sits down, and without preamble, in front of our SW and DP, starts asking detailed questions about my mental health. (I've had some episodes of anxiety and depression in the past, have seen counsellors, etc but it's all very well controlled, and GP is happy and all was fine in (both!) medicals). Asked about medication, had I seen a psychiatrist...?

I answered all her questions and all was fine but (a) if she had questions about my health, why on earth didn't she make contact before panel? Why wait till immediately before? I felt slightly ambushed, if I'm being honest. And (b) is it not incredibly unprofessional to ask detailed questions about someone's mental health in front of other people? Obviously DP and our SW know everything about me, but the general principle is that medical stuff is meant to be personal and confidential, right?

Or AIBU? You tell me, adopters.

I think that's quite disgusting actually and you are right to be grumpy. It's very unprofessional (unlawful?) and they had no idea that your DP knew or not!

During our matching process our agency told my husband about some of my test results, like your situation, he knew already of course, but that's not the point. In any other area of life I would of kicked up a stink out of principle, but I felt my hands were tied. It's Already a very intrusive process and of course nothing is off limits, but they should ask before discussing such things in front of partners.

Congratulations by the way!!

I think what they probably intended was to maybe not discuss your mental health issues in front of the whole panel - which would have been in front of partners and social workers anyway. Unless of course they then went on to do this in front of panel anyway - in which case it just seems like they were being very unreasonable!

I found one of the people on our matching panel to be so worthy. Her questions weren’t for her to hear our responses, but more for her to make her own statement about how we weren’t going to cope with the struggles of parenting!

I’d say most panel members go into it for the right reasons but I think you often get people with their own agenda! And unfortunately those people hold our lives in their hands!

Thanks, both, and thanks for the congrats!

It is an intrusive process anyway, as you say, and I really don't mind that. I'm generally not a very private person.

I think what Autumn's comments have made me realise is that it's difficulty of when the open-mess of the adoption process comes up against medical confidentiality. What trumps what? Shouldn't normal medical confidentiality always apply?

Moo, I'm sure you're right about what she was trying to do but she had loads of time between getting the report and going to panel to just lift the phone to me.

Thanks very much for your replies.

I’m not sure, it wasn’t ok that you were put on the spot just before panel - it’s an anxious enough time but I don’t understand why she didn’t contact your social worker to say she still had questions so they could be covered off ahead of time.

I had significant mental health problems and they wanted assurance that I would be able to cope etc. My SW prepared me for this ahead of time and we agreed how I would evidence appropriate supports. In saying that it wouldn’t have occurred to me that those discussions wouldn’t include my husband. We’re going through the application process together, we’d be jointly accepted or refused so unless I specifically asked her not to discuss in front of my husband, I’d have no issue with her talking to us both.

I didn't have any issue with them talking to both of us...I totted up that at least 30 people (strangers) know my every private detail. And I was poked and prodded enough to now have no secrets at all (and probably rightly so). And I know that in this process nothing is too private to share with your partner or anyone else involved. But I just think a little consideration to privacy should be given (or at least they should allude to at least appearing to be confidential). And speaking to my husband about my (at the time, very recent) test results (not knowing if I had told him) annoyed me. After all they don't include the medical bit in the PAR that we see for exactly those reasons (I guess). I think as well as considering the couple, they also need to have (or at least be seen to have) consideration for the individuals involved.