Adoption agency

[Noremi]

Hi there...
Have just had some bad news... that I am not suitable to be a parent, by adoption, because I have epilepsy.. and that is a big no no!.

I am financially stable, health has been an issue all my life, but I do work hard to manage it.

And its good enough for me to manage to look after 80 people at work, day-in and day-out.

But no. I'm a reject as far as adoption goes. I'm 42 and yes did want to adopt as a single person.

I don't know.. its just a bit gutting... to know that I am so able, but they won't even consider me.

There's no appeal process either.

You know, it's not like health people, don't have issues.. or conditions that manifest under stress..

i understand in lots of ways, but still it is rather gutting. There's no way that i can have kids now.

To be told by a snotty agency advisor... I'm sorry, you aren't suitable..

That's the end of that dream...then.

Sorry to winge. It's hard not to feel a complete failure at this point!

I wouldn't give up yet. Try another agency.

But maybe think some more about how you would manage your epilipsy with a child. I don't think comparing it to your work is helpful though. If you had a seizure at work there would be adults around to look after you. What if you had a seizure at home - what would happen to your child?
Its very tough as a single parent. I'm single with a 14 year old. I have a medical issue at the moment which leaves me feeling very unwell, but I will have surgery in a few months so it will be resolved. Even with a 14 year old who can help me out, get himself fed and to school and so on, its hard to manage and keep working. And its increasing his levels of anxiety.
I'd try another agency, be upfront but be prepared to tell them chapter and verse just how your epilepsy impacts on your life, how you manage it, what your support is. Don't assume they understand epilepsy and are making an informed judgement.
I know a little, but not much. For example, does stress have any effect? If so, how? Because adoption is a very stressful business. They may also be concerned that any child placed with you will end up caring for you.
I think you have a lot to weigh up but I do think its worth trying some more agencies. Good luck

thank you Ted, for you kind message.

I understand about the work comparison etc.
I have lived all my adult life on my own. I do have epilepsy, and sometimes with lack of sleep, there are also occasions, where it does happen. I am well managed.

This is sort of a double blow, not so much because of the decision... but because even to get sperm donation over the last two years, i had to go through an 18 month long ethical review process, where they considered all aspects of my wellbeing.

They considered, everything. They made recommendations, and i was able to make provisions, there are plenty of epileptic mothers out there, and there are practical steps to take, but it is all manageable.
They were supportive, but they made recommendations.

I went for the medical, and my doctor was encouraging, and she said there was no reason, why there would be any issues. Yes there was a risk of potential... attacks, but with the right support in place, it would all be managed.

I guess it was a bit of a shock, when they said. No. Its too much of a risk.

No one is perfect.

I have made provisions for the last five years of trying, of planning, and going through painful reviews, and recently humiliating sperm donations... I stopped last year.
I couldn't do it anymore... I did have a case of suspectitis pregnancy.. but no.

I thought here is a chance to do this really good thing. for all concerned.

It is disappointing. I am in London, and this adoption agency deals with all three surrounding boroughs.

The agency is the only way that other agencies, use adoption.

That's about it. I think.. I have asked them to confirm, and also if i can appeal..

I'm sure I will live. I think it was unfair that i had to go through an 18month long review process to get donated sperm, when i was already 40, and then this awful process.

I suppose the unfairness of it all. Lots of people have health conditions. It doesn't mean they aren't good parents. It doesn't mean they are incapable, or unable to care for a child. They need a little back up support, who doesn't when you have children. Support is there for me.

But it's a no. Time to accept it, Ted.

Thank you

@Noremi If I told you my adoption journey it would make your hair curl ! Suffice to say it took me four years and two agencies to get through.

You sound understandably very down. If I were you I'd take some time out, go on a fantastic holiday, regroup and give it another shot.

Its very childish but I can't tell the satisfaction I felt when I crossed paths with an SW who had given me a lot of grief, with my son, yelling after him wait for mummy !
Have you heard of voluntary agencies ? They tend to be a bit more accepting of non standard families. I know a number of adopers with disabilities and health conditions, and it is tougher as a single person to prove yourself.
Honestly, I wouldnt give up yet.

thanks Ted.
That's really helpful to hear.
I'll keep going.

Are you all ok now?

Hi noremi, I’m also a single adopter with a chronic health condition. I agree wholeheartedly with Ted, it really might be worth trying another agency. I also think a lot depends on how good a SW you get.

My condition isn’t epilepsy but it is life long, never going to get any better, could mean I end up in a wheelchair at some point etc but is well managed at the moment and has been generally under control since I was diagnosed nearly 20 years ago.

During the assessment process being able to articulate to the SW how my support network (friends and family) would be able to support me and the child was very helpful. Also being able to explain how I currently coped with flare ups and could (and did) ask for practical help from others when I needed it also showed SW that my condition was manageable in practical day to day ways.

There was a lot of scrutiny on the health condition and it’s definitely tougher to prove yourself as a single adopter with a health issue but it is possible (I have a delightful and exhausting 9 yr old to prove it!) so I’d definitely give another agency a go. It’s worth a try.

Hey PoppyStellar.

Thank you, for telling me about this. There is hope!