Ways to cope?

[Sillyshell]

Hi I'm really struggling with my two at the moment and looking for some tips/advice on how to deal with them without screaming which seems to have become my default mode

DD 3.7 came to us in December 17 and DS 2.7 in March 17, they are siblings but had been in different foster homes since birth. We had been told they were having twice weekly contact but found out later that it was more likely once a month if that.

DD was so aggressive when she first came to us, but that started to calm down and then DS rocked up and it feels like all hell has broken loose since then. She attack's him on a regular basis and I literally can't turn my back some days without it all kicking off.

DS is starting to stand up for himself but that just means they are fighting all the time. I'm on my own with them most days and really had enough.

Has anyone been in this situation before, I really need some practical advice on what to do. I'm losing my temper more and not which just makes everything worse

DS came to us in March 18, not 17. I feel like I'm not doing my best for either of them at the moment

Ah, two are such hard work, mine arrived at the same time and were slightly older (4 and 6) but oh my goodness I thought I was going crazy with them.

My DD is the older of the two and could be very violent with DS, memorable moments include her repeatedly banging his foot in the back door, hitting his head off the floor and pushing him into a glass door. At the same time, she can be loving and caring towards him and will defend him against all comers but for a time I literally couldn’t turn my back.

Things that helped was noticing that her violent episodes were about her being in fight or flight, they were used to competing to have their needs met and she learned to fight like a tiger. Keeping in mind it’s a sign of distress helped me keep a lid on my own anger (born out of anxiety that she could really hurt him). Do you have somewhere that you can put them separately but still see them both? I would spend ages sitting at the dining table chatting to one in the playroom and one in the lounge. My DS would happily play and occupy himself, my DD needed more encouragement and actually needed to be bored a bit before she would go and play. Physically separating them within sight of ea b other gave the younger one time to play without interruption. If you have a DP each of you take one for some 1:1 time - take turns in which of you takes the more demanding child and give them your full attention. Also get your DP to have them both while you meet a friend for coffee, go for a walk or a swim or whatever. It’s not the first time I’ve walked out the door as DH arrived home from work, get some physical space.

Once they’re down for the night, don’t use the time to clean, tidy, do chores etc. Sit and have a glass of wine (I was going to say cup of tea but let’s be honest...) watch something mindless, have a good cry and remind yourself you’re doing a great job. Even if you think you’re the worst mum in the world, remind yourself you’re doing great.

During the day I wasn’t beyond parking them in front of the tv while I sat at the kitchen table with a coffee. I also found games that helped them ease their stress levels also helped mine, so jumping on the trampoline, throwing water balloons, digging in sand etc all sensory stuff for them but soothing for you too.

It’s so very hard, be kind to yourself, take space to recharge your batteries as often as you can, scream and cry if you need to. As both kids settle your DD will calm down again, her safe space has been invaded - she’s just trying to survive. And so are you.

Oh goodness.
Firstly, remember that they’re probably both in survival mode. They likely trust nothing and care about nothing but getting their needs met. It’s not you, it’s them.

We spent literally hours a day watching tv with one of them under each of my arms. They both got to be physically close to me, they were physically separated from each other, they were entertained, they could do with what passes as relaxing for traumatised kids.

It’s not at all how I imagined parenting but it was the only way we got through the day somedays.

Softplay was a godsend.

And as jellycat, lots of time doing arts/crafts at the kitchen table, so they were separate, contained and equidistant from me.

Minimised any activities that required them to interact with each other (so we’d play things where they each played with me, but not with each other).

DC1 was always certain we liked DC2 best so we’ve always had to make a point of being scrupulously fair about everything and being seen to be. The jealousy is strong. Have you tried wondering or thinking aloud with her? She might be a bit young, but ‘I wonder if you’re scared we love DS more. We don’t you know.’ ‘I wonder if you’re scared you’ll get another little brother?’ Etc.

And yes, make sure you get a break at weekends, but give your DC time apart if you can. We actually put DC1 in nursery a couple of sessions a week from about 3.9. I’m not sure it was the right thing for her, but it was absolutely the right thing for DC2 (And, honestly, me).

Don’t compare yourself to Facebook/insta parents/friends/how you imagined being a parent. You’re doing Olympic-level parenting. Getting through the days is good enough.

Sorry this is so rambling - as I write more of it’s coming back to me. I used to shut myself in bathroom and phone DH in tears, it’s hard.

Be kind to yourself. 💐

Thank you both for responding, it really helps to hear from people going through it! I do try and get them doing separate things but they just can't seem to leave each other alone and want what the other one has.

I do end up resorting to putting them in their rooms when it gets too bad, we had to put gates up as they are capable of destroying each other's stuff

I need to really work on keeping calm and walking away when I can feel myself losing it

Can you get a couple of toys they could have the same so that they don’t need to compete? I’d second sitting with them both watching tv, even now it’s not unusual for me to have them both to be sitting on my knee watching a movie, but at least they’re still and not fighting.

YY, for years we had two of everything, one in pink and one in blue. 🙄 This Christmas was the first time I didn’t feel like I had to do matching presents.

In terms of destroying things, for my DD that’s a clear sign that she’s totally overwhelmed - if she’s damaging things we have some time in, maybe drawing on huge sheets of paper, jumping together on the trampoline. I also get her into water, either the bath, paddling pool or swimming. Being in water calms her enormously. It took me a while to realise she wasn’t just being malicious when she was damaging things, she had just run out of ways to express her level of distress.

What kinds of things do your kids find soothing?

If they are fighting a lot they have a lot of adrenalin rushing around and negative feelings, so long walks are good, like jellyfish has said, this is calming for many kids, helps level out emotions and helps them connect with different parts of their brain - apparently when in fight or flight mode they are in brain stem and walking and trampolining helps things reconnect. Good for you too! I think your two are too young for trampolining, in that doctors don't recommend it, but definitely when they are old enough, I found trampolining to be amazing therapy!

I would really recommend teaching them about behaviour and being kind - a lot - you probably already do this. I don't personally think telly is very good for traumatised brains, but having said that there are lots of really good youtube videos aimed at around 3 or 4 year olds I think, ie young children find them engaging, about things like "helping hands" "kind hands" letting out "mads" (lots are made by the US). I think videos of children getting on and being happy and warm and fuzzy helps children start to remember about different ways of behaving.

I used to find some cartoons are better than others in terms of affect on behaviour. I found Ben and Holly and Postman Pat and Little Red Tractor were great as there is lots of calm and kindness and happiness modelled. Lots of the other cartoons are super in terms of content, such as Octonauts, but just too frenetic for traumatised brains, or at least, were too frenetic for my dc at that age. It probably very much depends on the child.

Lots of reading, and lots of books about kind hands, being friends, being kind.

Joking with them about the fighting, asking who is going to lose a limb today.

Being a dinosaur or monster, running around chasing them to get them out of fighting mode - apparently 10 mins of this a day works wonders (if they enjoy it).

All kids are different though, with one of my dc literally the only thing which could break them out of fighting mode would be to get them to sit down and do drawing - instant calm and focus!

In terms of keeping yourself calm, I found that if I woke up expecting the worst for the day I coped better. Your mind seems to subconsciously prepare itself.

When you are calm maybe sit down and divide a page into 2 columns one for each child and think about each separately in terms of their triggers, their needs, how to meet their needs, strategies.

I'm going to copy the exact same advice I just gave somebody else... sorry that I have not really tailored my response.
Our wee one has been with us for over three and a half years now and times are very tough.
He was two and a half when placed and we have run the gauntlet... swearing, hitting, head butting, attacking the dog (re-homed now) trashing his bedroom. Wetting, soiling, goading, and pressing every. Single. Button. That we have got!
I'm not the mum I wanted to be. At times I am shouty. At times when I return him to bed for what feels like the millionth time, I'm not as gentle as I could be.
But, do you know what?
I'm doing my BEST. My husband is doing his BEST.
It's all we can do?
I've found Sarah Naish - 'The A-Z of Therapeutic Parenting' really helpful.
We just keep going with our heads down. I know it will be ok. Our boy is happy and cheerful, but he has a lot to contend with as a child of trauma and multiple moves.
We will help him. And we will get there.
Good luck 

Hi

Some good advice and ideas, thank you

I've just started reading the A-z of Therapeutic parenting so hopefully that will help us too

My DD really enjoys music, dancing singing and when she first came home and it was just me and her, I would put the radio on if I could see she was struggling and we would dance for ages. Need to start doing things like that again

It's been hard since DS came home, I don't think I could put him down for the first 6 weeks. He clung to me like a little koala so she was getting as much from me as she needed

DH is great at helping out but works hard so not here that much

It's Saturday morning and my chance for a lay in so hopefully I will feel a bit more positive after a rest