First post! Clarification?

[Sailordan88]

Ok so this is the first time I've ever posted so go easy on me.

Can tell by my name I'm a man, I'm not sure we have a "dadsnet" ha. I originally joined to get more information and read about women's experiences with pregnancy and conception problems regarding pcos as my wife has the condition. yeah i could look at what it entailed online but I figured peoples experiences would give me a more personal insight and help me understand her more and have a better grasp of what our journey may entail.

Initially I wanted to adopt regardless of concieving naturally, in fact I was more inclined to adopt than to have our own based on what I'd read and our very early attempts to concieve. The first year of getting excited every month a cycle was late to amount to nothing watching her personally wrestle and blame herself for not concieving and it tore me apart. The dr's have been little help. We made contact with first4adoption more on my insistence and her wanting to make me happy and the SW came for a visit and it all looked promising but my wife was not 100% there at the time and we decided to continue to try for our own. After 4 years last year we found out we were pregnant. Sadly we miscarried on week 12 a few days before our first scan.

It was a rough year, it's been over 7 months now since we lost our child and my wife has recently said she now believes she is ready to start the process we are looking to begin later on this year so a year has passed since we lost ours and we are definitely sure we are ready to take this step.

I've actually rambled on and spoke more about my situation than I intended. I suppose I came for down advise on the process local council Vs agencies, what to expect and what are the acronyms that's are used in the various posts 😅

I'm guessing

LA is local authority?
Sil is sister in law
SW is social worker

Seen DH thrown about and a few others I can't remember off the top of my head

If you google mumsnet abbreviations there is a long list of things - I find it quite hilarious. I’ve even started using DH (dear husband) in real life. I like the fact that everybody is dear to me!

Local authority vs voluntary agency is an interesting one - Local authorities are responsible for the children aswell as taking people through the approval process, whereas voluntary agencies do the approval process and matching with the local authorities aswell. Voluntary agencies occasionally have better post adoption support, but local authorities often have the “easy to place” children, like young babies etc. If you see yourself wanting a small baby, a local authority is your best bet. It can be harder to get a local authority to take you on as they are more selective I have been told.

Good luck!

Hi Sailordan88 (you may be refered to here as OP original poster, although I believe OP can also mean openng post!).

It has been a rough few years for you. I hope you are both looking after each other.

We had a similar situation in that dh was ready to adopt before me. But both prospective parents need to get to the same spot before you can go ahead. Social workers will notice if you are not both ready.

In selecting your agency or local authority I would check out what post adoption support is available (this is really key).

We have a birth (or biological some say) daughter (mumsmet uses dd for dear daughter of I could say bc for birth child) and we adopted our son (ds, dear son, or ac, adopted child) when he was 3 and dd was 9.

Our son has been with us (sometimes refereed to in adoption circles as being 'home' - although I am not keen on that terminology personally) for almost 5 years.

Also, just to say (not complaining or anything), when you adopt the child they become your own. So I never refer to my birth daughter as my own or my adopted son as not my own. They are both my children, with my husband.

Of course our son has another (birth) mum and dad and also had a (foster) mum and dad too but it doesn't stop him being out own, IYSWIM (of you see what I mean).

Sorry for the crashes course in acronyms!

Please feel free to ask anything you like.

Thank you guys

And no need to apologise I appreciate the acronym crash course haha some are obvious and some are right head scratchers haha.

Welcome. My dh and I often find we are 6 months apart in our thinking. The fact you are patient and not pushy is a good sign.
Go for council. They will place kids with the people they have trained first before they look to agencies. Goodluck with it all - in some ways it's as much of an emotional rollercoaster as infertility.

Hi OP - like you, I am the DH, and, if I am honest, I was probably more pro adoption a year ago than my wife was.

We are now fully on the same page, and were recently "approved", so expect to find a "match" in the next few months.

Like @italiangreyhound, I have a (birth) child too.

The thing with adoption is that it is a long process. Two pieces of advice we got given over a year ago:

1. Do not put your life on hold - ie still book summer holidays etc.
2. Do not look too far ahead.

To which I would also add:
3) Do not set unrealistic timeframes - eg saying "we will have a new family member by next Christmas"

That could well happen, or not, but in the context of a whole life does it matter?

I am also on a couple of facebook groups - but they are more 'public', although they are closed groups. I post more here, as the facebook groups can be relentlessly upbeat.

I have found this board really supportive.

Oh, we went with our local authority - didn't even think about other options.

We went to our local authority too.

Also, I have found these boards to be so helpful. There have been some very wise people here and I have had a lot of help.

Bear in mind that if you do choose to go with a loca authority, you don't have to go with your own (ie the one you live in). We chose very carefully and went with one about two boroughs away. First4Adoption has more info on this

In the interests of balance we used a VA. (We knew that we wanted siblings and made our decision based on the post adoption support.) Approval and matching was quick and efficient, as I'm sure with many LA's. The aftercare has exceeded what we hoped. This has even included child specific training at school provided by the agency.
I am also aware that the situation has changed somewhat recently due to the national shortage of adopters, and many LA's are unable to place children/babies with their own families. Our VA is now placing "easy to place" children/babies too and taking on families that are looking for children within this category. It's worth remembering that once you are approved you can look nationally immediately if you are with a VA.
Best of luck whatever you decide. We were very much like you. It took us a long time to both be on the same page with adoption! You will find that the adoption community is really supportive and welcoming.

We went with neighbouring LA.

1. We didn't like our local one when we went to an info session, and weren't ready anyway. When we revisited a year later we went to session with neighbouring LA and liked them.
2. Neighbouring LA had more children in care and liked to place out of area if they could

I can actually comment on both LA and VA. Our LA is seriously understaffed so our initial visits were done by them and then our home study was done by a VA appointed by our LA. The social worker from the VA was amazing and we often refer to advice she gave us throughout our home study. I was very sorry to say goodbye to her after we were approved. The LA then did the matching and supported us through introductions and placement. We get on very well with our LA social worker but I do often wonder if we would be getting better support from the VA at this stage. I guess it depends on where you are and your LA.

A good starting point is an information evening. We had done a fair bit of research before going to one but it was still very informative and you will meet social workers from your LA.

Good luck on starting your journey.

I assumed I'd go with an LA but called various & knew immediately that the VA I chose was right for me. They've been brilliant, have excellent post-adoption support available and my child would not be considered hard to place, though the LA chose me rather than one of their own prospective adoptive families.
Best way is to contact all that you'd consider a potential option, meet those you feel good about and see what fits - the LA I was initially most interested in was absolutely rubbish at first contact, and another couldn't give me any information as the person (singular!) responsible for that was on holiday.

There's no harm in looking now, even if you maybe aren't quite ready to start - you'll get a much better idea of what's involved & hopefully feel more in control. Good luck!

You LA will have an ofsted rating for social services and adoption etc. Ours was rated outstanding at the time and we have no issues, all really good. So that might be something to check too!

Started looking for like informal information evenings it looks like 2 years ago all our local la's merged with the council to become a central power. AIM or adoption in Merseyside

If you're in the Northwest please look at "families that last" and "Adoption Matters" too. Both are excellent. I'm sure you will get a feel once you speak to a few.

Yeah will look into them thank you x