SIL being naive about adoption?

[WisdomOfCrowds]

My OH was talking to his sister earlier and she said that she and her partner have decided to adopt. Apparently they've agreed that they don't like the idea of parenting babies/ young children and don't really want their lives to change very much, but would still like to be parents, so have decided to adopt a 10 year old instead. I burst out laughing when he told me this and said that she was being naive if she thought she could just order a child to spec from an adoption agency, or that parenting an adopted 10 year old would mean her life didn't have to change much. He said "Oh right, well you seem to know a lot more about it than me so why don't you talk to her about it when we see her next". Then I realised I actually know fuck all about the adoption process, and my reaction was largely just based on MN threads I've read in the past. So does anyone have any experiences I could share with her/ links I could direct her to to give her a more realistic idea of adopting a child? Or should I just mind my own business and smile and nod if she brings it up?

My parents adopted a 6 year old who was still in care because he had ADHD. It was very, very difficult and life altering for them but he is now a relatively nice young man 20 odd years later.

To be honest I would say very little now. Once they make some intiital enquires with local authorities and have inititial meetings they will soon realise the potential long term impact of adopting any child, not least an older child. Smile and nod so that you stay on the right side of them. Their motives etc wil soon be tested by a social worker and they will not go down the road without the eyes truly opened.

I would ask your SIL to think about what a child of 10 years old who was up for adoption would have experienced or had to cope with and how that would have affected them? Does she have the tools to cope with a child who may have had horrific experiences and developed coping mechanisms to deal with them? I have known couples adopt tiny babies who have lifelong difficulties and conditions that have completely changed their lives and taken every last ounce of energy they had. But it can be extremely rewarding and the love that children may give you can be amazing as long as you are under no illusions that it will be easy. There Are no perfect children even if they are your own, but if you can love them no matter what and enjoy the journey then well done!

Raising an adopted child or children is a whole different ball game to raising birth children.
Even babies have lots of issues you would not think about as they grow up.
A ten year old will probably have a lot more issues.
It is not just about your family its about the child's birth family and what is best for the child and whether or not contact with siblings is kept for example.
It is not like a movie with happy ever after and all is hunky-dory, it is real life and it is hard. It has rewarding moments but it needs careful consideration.

A positive about adopting a 10year old might be that they have a good idea of what they are dealing with in terms of additional needs...that is the only thing I can think of. Social services will set them straight on any other naive thoughts believe me!

well I never wanted to do the baby thing, I adopted a nearly 8 year old!

They are naive to think that they can have a child, baby or older, birth or adopted, and that it won't change their life dramatically.

8 is old is adoption terms, very very few 10 year olds are adopted.

I'd stay out of it and let them find out for themselves. To be fair I think we all start out with a rosy tint to our specs, though theirs appear rosier than most! If they are serious about it, start researching and go to an information evening they will soon realise how daft they sound.

Point them at mumsnet, we’ll soon put them straight. 😀

Thanks for the feedback. I'll definitely stay out of it and just wait for the process to give them more info if they get that far. They're both lovely and would be great parents, and their current lifestyle is brilliant (lots of fancy dinner parties/ a house full of beautiful expensive breakable things etc) so I can understand them not wanting it to change. We have 2 under 3 and are up to our necks in nappies so I can definitely imagine her looking at that and thinking "nope"! Other SIL has a 9 and 7 year olds and is just now getting her career back on track so I guess that's how she came up with 10 as a number for a child who you wouldn't have to make too many changes for? I'm not sure what her thought pattern was TBH, will be interesting to hear it from her when I see her. I was mostly taken back by the idea that she thought she could just present an agency with a list of requirements for her perfect child and wait for them to find her a match but that's when I realised I didn't actually know any more about it than she did. To those of you who adopted an older children, did you specify the age you'd prefer or did you just say you'd prefer an older child?

Does she realise that she has to be assessed for her suitability to adopt?
Its actually normal in adoption land to specify some things about the child you are wanting to adopt. Its ok not to want a baby, people who want older children are popular with social workers because fewer families want them. Its usual for adopters to be approved for an age range though, say 0-3, 5+ rather than a specific age.
I wanted a school age child because of my age, as a single adopter I need to work and child care costs are crippling, and all my friends were way past babies so an older child would fit in better. I was probably thinking about a child of 5/6 though, it just so happened the perfect child was pushing 8.
Even with an older school age child, SWs will require a minimum of 6 months off work from one parent, some will insist on a year. The needs of the child may mean you never get back to work, or can only go back part time.
I am 7 years in, my son is 14 and we are in a good place. Its been hard work getting here, including years of painful therapy. I still only work part time but it finances permitted I would give up work completely until he is 18.
The bottom line is most adoptive children have some additional needs - Attachment, sensory issues, FASD, ASD, ADHD, learning difficulties, eating disorders - just a few of the things you may have to deal with.
Adoption is not for the faint hearted, whatever the age of the child, life will change dramatically.
And their beautiful house - well it will suffer, my son is a dreamboat compared to many, I reckon he has still caused upwards of £3000 worth of damage to our house, over and above general wear and tear.

You specify an age range, eg. our's was 0-8 yrs. I have never heard of a single 10 year old child being adopted. If a child is 10, they usually come with a younger sibling. The oldest we came across was 8.

Most people are looking to adopt children as young as possible. Younger does not equal easier or with less problems though. Mine were older (5 and 6 yrs at placement) and are doing incredibly well, while I know families who adopted children under a year who are having very tough times. It is all highly individual.

You could point them to "Preparing for Adoption" by Julia Davis which is a very good book. Bruce Perry"s "The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog" is a very good introduction as well. It is quite extreme, but educational. "Building the Bonds of Attachment" by Dan Hughes is another good starter.

Our age range was 0-7 and we were placed with a nearly-8 and a 2.5.
Both were harder to place as DD1 was v.old and DD2 had developmental uncertainty.

With DD1 we only had ~4 years before the puberty pull-away-from-parents started. To be honest I don't think it was long enough, and since she turned 16 life has been a roller coaster.

10yos don't tend to be placed for adoption as they have such strong ties to birth family they are more likely to go into long term foster care, from what I have read.

Personally I'd stay out of it!

Definitely go with the smile and nod approach and leave it to the social workers to show them the gritty reality.
That said, when I was going through infertility I often presented as baby unfriendly just to protect myself. '' No twinkly laugh I don't want to hold your burpy baby.".. Because I actually might burst into tears and refuse to give it back. So cut them some slack.

Hopefully if they really mean "...don't really want their lives to change very much, but would still like to be parents..." They will make it clear and social workers will know they are not suitable.

No one who wants to avoid change is going to have an easy time of any parenting!

But maybe PicaK is onto something and their odd wording (in my view) is protection for the fact they have tried for a b.s. y, or think they won't be offered s bsby st their age.

I adopted a 3 year old on my late forties. I have never heard of anyone adopting a ten year in real life.

If this dies become a reality your SIL and BIL may need support and together you can help them.

But your hubby is weong, you do know what you are talking about, maybe it is just down to common sense!

Hmm I hadn't thought that they might be experiencing fertility problems and this was a cover PicaK, though that would make sense. My understanding was that there were no fertility issues, they just preferred the idea of adoption as a way to fast track over the baby years. But that's absolutely none of my business so will speculate no further. They're very involved in a hobby and host/ attend events several times a week, and also have lots of very expensive fragile hobby related collectable items displayed in large glass cabinets around their house. We visited them along with the rest of OHs family a few months ago and it was an absolutely nightmare trying to stop our toddler breaking anything, whilst other SILs older kids were happy to sit quietly and play video games whilst they chatted, so I can understand her thinking "OK, that's the age I need to aim for to continue to have a reasonably adult life and house." To be perfectly honest I don't get the impression she's that keen on having kids at all, but I think her partner is and this might be their attempt at a compromise. So if it turned out it was going to be very difficult to adopt, or that an adopted child might be likely to come with large challenges like additional needs, I'm not sure she'd pursue it. But again, that's more speculation on my part. Thanks everyone for sharing your advice and experiences.

that an adopted child might be likely to come with large challenges like additional needs

Highly likely some level of challenge at some point. May not be immediately but at some point.

It seems quite unusual to adopt of you don't want kids. Why not just not have kids?

I'm not sure, I've not spoken to her directly about the adoption thing, She's never really seemed enthusiastic about kids though. She's late 30s and has always seemed very on the fence, lots of "maybe in a few years if I meet the right guy" kind of talk. She asked us to keep all our kids baby clothes for her "just in case" but has never mentioned it since. That was how the convo came up as we're moving house soon and have lots of stuff we're only hanging onto because she asked us to. She's been living with her partner for a couple of years now so I think OH had tried to lightheartedly ask if we should keep hanging onto it all. He said to me that he wasn't quite sure where the adoption idea had come from but that he thought it sounded like a contentious issue. That's why I suspect that maybe he wants kids and she doesn't (or vice versa) and they've decided that adopting an older child would be a good compromise so that they can do a bit of parenting but mostly just carry on as they are. Hence my mind boggling at their combined naivety!

Why don't they borrow yours for a weekend and see how they get on !

Oh bless her. Quietly ditch the stuff that she asked you for. Late 30s? Her fertility is falling off a cliff. Almost deliberate anti kids lifestyle. It rings so many bells for me. You can buy her some lovely stuff (from nct sales) if she does have a child.