Guilt, shame, despair, love

[PicaK]

Just wanted to rant to people who will get it.
3.5yr old ad with us since 9 months. Avoidant attachment and Fasd and poss adhd. Cute, vivacious, wonderful and exhausting.
We took her to inlaws' and really we put her in a situation where she was going to disregulate. 8 adults, 6 kids all together for 3 days.
She was having a whale of a time and playing with her similar aged cousin really well. I am so cautious as she needs 1:1 at Preschool to prevent her hurting herself or others but she's not had incidents for months. So I let myself be swayed by family all explaining all kids do argybargy and my dn can look after herself etc.

And so the inevitable happens. Ad lashes out impulsively at dn and leaves her looking like she's been attacked by a velociraptor. Could have sobbed. Ad is overcome with shame and remorse and I did cry later knowing this is going to be the pattern for a long time yet.
Inlaws stunned and horrified i think. But so nice about it.
I don't need solutions - but I could really do with some emotional support in a "yup it's hard" way.

It is hard, especially when folk don’t get that you know your child and know when their behaviour goes beyond normal rough and tumble. My DD struggles with self regulation too - my extended family think she’s just being excited or happy to see them and don’t see the signs that she’s actually overwhelmed which in her case can lead to her being a bit destructive (eg drawing on walls, breaking toys). So we work hard to keep her calm, to help her regulate which is seen as is giving her a hard time for “just being a child”.

I hear you. A quick glance at DD1's eyes tell me when she's about to lose it. It is so hard when people don't get it. "All kids do that" etc...oh really...

It is hugely deeply devastatingly hard. You are holding pain for her, pain for your family, and pain for you. A fellow-adopter recently suggested to me that there's not much benefit letting myself get too caught up in "future-worry" as there's enough to think about dealing with the moment. And there is, very sadly, way too much hurt in what's happened for you lately so if you can, maybe try not to torture yourself predicting future hurts too

We try stuff with the best intentions, sometimes it works out, sometimes really not. We hurt, we re-group, we carry on. I hope you have someone to get a big hug from today.

Hugs to you.

I hear you. Secure kids' exited behaviour is worlds away from our kids' disregulation. It's so hard, but you're not alone.

Ah Pica 💐

Thank you guys. Another day and it all seems very manageable again. I appreciate your comments very much.

Fantastic. It’s incredibly difficult sometimes that our DC can’t manage what other children can. 💐