Starting to look at adoption - any advice?

[TinselTimes]

We’ve talked about adoption for years, and are now at a stage where we are more seriously considering it.

We have a 2 and 4 year old, and thinking once they’re both in school (so in 2/3 years) would be a good time?

Just wondering if anybody has any advice about where to start looking for information, what agencies to talk to (we are in south east London), anything you wish you’d known or thought about right at the start?

Thanks.

your key consideration should really be on the potential impact on your birth children.

Adoption is a gamble. Many adoptive children have additional needs. Research attachment disorders, FASD, developmental trauma, ASD, ADHD, learning difficulties and disabilties, sensory processing disorders.
Life with a child with additional needs is not necessarily 'bad'. My son has ASD, a learning difficulty, sensory issues. He is doing well, we have a nice life, but it is hard work and he is the sole recipient of my time and attention.
Also think seriously about finances. Level of need often means there has to be a stay at home parent. Can you support three children on one income? Im seven years in and still work part time. Id prefer not to work at all until after GCSEs but as a single parent I need to work for a whole host of reasons.

Thank you, that’s helpful.

Yes agreed, we have to make sure our birth children are taken care of as well, I will start googling all of those things.

As it stands DH can support us all on his salary, we’re lucky that way, so I would be at home long term.

Please think very carefully. We have had a hellish year with our eldest DS who is now in Year 3. It has put huge huge pressure on our family, our marriage, my mental health. He is gorgeous but is now processing trauma - we thought he was relatively unharmed by adoption for the first 3 or 4 years he lived with us - this last year has been a nightmaare - for lots of reasons. You need to do lots of reading, need to be prepared to parent your adopted child differently to your birth children (eg “naughty step” doesn’t work for adopted child) - and how will your birth children feel about that?

We don’t regret adoption but we had no other choice to have a family. We love our son but it has been far harder than I ever thought and his paperwork gave no indications of issues we would face now.

Look on adoptionuk forum for some threads to give you a real idea of the struggles.

Good luck with your decision.

Thank you. Yes I suppose at the moment we have rose tinted glasses and we need to really think about what kind of damage/needs we could actually cope with.

Something to think about (which I often mention because I didn't) is how you will get homework or reading done if you literally cannot take your eyes off your adopted child for a second without them destroying something or hurting themselves.
Then as above - the adopted child may physically hurt or emotionally abuse the older two. Again you will love them and will understand and will be therapeutically parenting to slowly overcome these things. But think years and years not months.
Wouldn't change our situation for the world but I definitely could have done with someone saying from the off "Get a tutor or pay a teenager to come and read. Let homework go for a year. Put gates up on the kids' rooms so they have a safe space.etc etc Ruthlessly divide up time so everyone gets a bit of mum and dad."
But if you can have your own birth kids then perhaps do that. Plenty of would be adopters are available for the child you would be in consideration for.

@PicaK - that does sound very tough.

Is the problem that children tend to be adopted when they’re older now, so they have had more bad experiences? I had 3 school friends who’d been adopted as babies and they had some insecurities around why their birth parents hadn’t kept them, but nothing like the kind of issues I’m reading about now. Maybe thats left me with an unrealistic view of how hard this could be :(

Do you get much support or guidance from the adoption agencies?

And yes I take your point about adoption actually being very competitive (for want of a better word) - we have two birth children, but can’t have more. We’d alwayd talked about adoption as an addition to having birth children but would that count against us with the agencies?

Adoption has changed a great deal over the years. It used to be that babies were 'relinquished' by their mothers because of the stigma of single motherhood, lack of support in society etc. Now, the majority of children for adoption are removed from their birth families because of neglect, abuse, or inability to keep the child safe. All adopted children will be affected by trauma to some degree, simply through the loss of family and the business of being in foster care. The may have been damage in utero through alcohol, drugs, domestic violence. The child may inherit health conditions from birth family. Even if you adopt a young baby, it's a bit of a lottery as you may not know for a good while how the child is affected. This is not to say all is doom and gloom! My adopted grandchild, now 3, certainly has issues to deal with, but is a delightful child and has brought much happiness to our family. But the parenting LO needs is very different to what one might expect of birth children. Reading and researching widely and talking to adoption agencies will help you decide if adoption is right for you and your family. Good luck!

Just to add, my daughter went with the local authority agency and they have been really helpful and supportive. They provide regular opportunities for adoptive parents to get together, which has been something of a lifeline. Peer support has made a great difference in a society where many others don't 'get' adoption. Do lots of asking around!

When you read about all of the potential additional needs adoptive children have its very daunting. Although there are different challenges to parenting a birth child that doesnt mean parenting an adoptive child it's any less rewarding.
Support and guidance can vary widely from agency to agency so doing your research to pick a good one is a must.
Having two birth children won't count against you. You have alot of parenting experience. My agency insisted on a two year age gap between my birth son and my adoptive son. With the adopted being the younger. Any adopted child needs their own room.

I've nothing but praise for Worcestershire Council. When I rang for help they were out within days. (it an be 6 month wait elsewhere) They are now part of ACE. If you are in their catchment then definitely go with them. Adoption Central England.

Ifyou have that burning need for another child in your lives. If you take on board all the realistic advice on this board. Then you will get there. I was trying subtly to find out if you were one of the "I want to save the lickle children/put back into society brigade" who I view with horror but luckily they all run a mile as soon as the reality is explained.
My life with AD is wonderful. It's hard and tiring. Neither cancels the other out. They coexist. There are compromises and adjustments. And ad still wakes every 2 hours through the night and she came to us at 9 months and is 3.5yr now. And no - sleep training won't help.
We've all been where you are now. Shedding all the adoption preconceptions relevant to the 60s/70s. You begin to forget just how much you know. Try to remember tho as time goes on as it makes you more tolerant with all your friends!

Thank you, it’s really helpful to hear your experience. Tbh it’s not at all about giving back to society - we really want a third child, feel like we have the space, time and energy. It feels like there’s a gap in the family where another child should be, if that makes sense?

TinselTimes wanting another child, having space and time are great reasons to adopt.

We have an adopted ds (8) and birth dd 14.