Please help me work through issues with my adoption, health issues, and relationships with my DM and family,

[NooNooHead]

I’m posting here for better advice than in AIBU, as when I posted there before, I got quite a few harsh responses and realised I should have posted somewhere more appropriate.

I’m struggling with so many different things in my head that it is hard to know where to start. As some background/context:

1. I was adopted from birth, have been fortunate enough to have a wonderful upbringing and childhood and am very lucky to have kind, generous and supportive parents who have been amazing.

2. I was born 3 months premature and I think this has had a bearing on my upbringing, my parents being quite overprotective and mollycoddling, and me having very low self esteem. My DM is quite an assertive, organised and sometimes overly critical person - I feel I have undiagnosed autism, am very sensitive to her criticism, possibly havf ADHD too, and struggle a lot with my confidence and self esteem as a result of how she brought me up.

3. I have had an awful time health-wise over the past 3 years; a head injury, post concussion syndrome and breakdown, a drug induced involuntary movement disorder called Tardive Dyskinesia, and then I was let go from my freelance contract last year which made my self esteem and confidence sink lower.

I’m very self conscious of my involuntary movements and find it hard to find the confidence to get another job when my DS is old enough to go to nursery.

4. my DB passed away last year aged 35 from bowel cancer, and I don’t really feel that I have grieved completely about his passing. I also had an ectopic pregnancy and surgery which I found quite traumatic too, and think perhaps I should find a good grief counsellor to help me work through my feelings with these things.

I know a lot of this is all to do with being more assertive and having a lot more self esteem, but I don’t know how to make the most of my current life and situation without feeling quite desperate and despondent. My movement disorder isn’t curable or easily treatable, and I feel that ever since my head injury, my life has been a struggle and I have had to work through a lot of sad hard times, but without an end in sight.

My saving grace this year has been the birth of my DS in June, and my wonderful DD and DH have always been so amazing - I am truly grateful for them.

I’m not sure what I am trying to get out of this - possibly just a place to vent and try to get a better grip on my feelings about my life and relationship with my family etc. I’m very grateful for any advice that anyone can give please. All help is much appreciated,

Firstly, . You have been through so much recently, anyone would be feeling somewhat unsettled. Even the wonderful things in life, like having lovely DC, can be difficult against the backdrop of being adopted.

Secondly, I suggest you ask MNQ to move this thread onto the Adoption board, where you will get great advice from people with experience of all sides of the adoption triangle (adoptive parents, birth parents, adoptees). Just click "report" and in the comments section ask them to move it and I'm sure that they will oblige.

Hi there, yep we'll move this to Adoption as requested by the OP.

Thank you!

Hi NooNoo

As I read through your post I was thinking “ my goodness, what a lot of loss you have experienced “ . So I was a bit suprised to read this

“I know a lot of this is all to do with being more assertive and having a lot more self esteem“

And I wondered why you thought this ? It sounds like you think it’s “your fault “ in some way because you aren’t assertive enough and don’t have enough self esteem , is that right?

Whereas to me you sound like a person who has been through a lot of very difficult circumstances and are now having to adjust to a new life as mum of a young baby , losing your job and having a significant health problems.

Just one of these can be a struggle for most of us. That’s a lot for anyone to handle , even the strongest woman .

It also sounds like you love and appreciate your parents but your mother and you have very different personalities so you don’t gel very easily . And I guess she is also grieving for her son, so you are all going through a very tough time.

Have I understood correctly ?

Hi VI0LET thank you for your kind reply.

I think you are very wise in saying that I am probably wrong to think that I am looking at it the wrong way - you are correct to say that I should be able to see that none of these things are my fault, but I cannot help but blame myself as my head injury was a preventable accident that I caused... I was filming my DD climbing up a treehouse ladder, she banged my head. I was at fault there, but possibly not with the consequences after. I was given a lot of psychotropic drugs to help me after a mental breakdown and post concussion syndrome, and I was told by my neurologist who diagnosed my movement disorder that I was probably susceptible to the medication side effect more than most as a result of my head injury and medical history - I was weaned off drugs at birth.

Anyway, I think you are also correct in kindly saying I am very strong - but I do feel like I haven had much of a choice really. 🙄😳😩 To go through all the stuff I have been through has been the toughest test of my life, but the only alternative to it all would be to become severely depressed and I owe my children more than that.😩

I am very different to my mum, and she is a much stronger personality than me - but I feel stronger emotionally in some ways, as I think what I have been through recently might have broken her more. I know she felt that I should have been stronger during my mental breakdown and post concussion syndrome, I remember her saying that she wanted to get back to some kind of ‘normality’, and that hurt me quite a bit.

I’m just off to bed now, so will reply again soon.

I meant to say ‘I banged my head’, not my daughter! 🙄

I say this kindly - there’s a lot of self blame in your posts and I wonder where that is coming from.

You say that you caused your head injury because it was preventable but you also say that it was an accident. You weren’t out of your face on drugs or drunk driving, you were not foolish or reckless. You had a freak accident at home with your DD. Its one of these random things could happen to anyone.

So I’m wondering who is blaming you?

And people can’t recover from a head injury or breakdown by trying harder or having strength of character. These things aren’t moral failings! But your Mum ( and maybe you ?? ) feel that you “ could have been stronger “ . No wonder you were hurt by her comment.

It’s interesting that you think I said that you are looking at things the wrong way and that you should be able to see things differently . I didn’t Say that at all. And yet that’s what it felt like to you.

Im curious why that is.

I’m not dismissing your feelings . Nor am I annoyed in some way that you misquoted me. I’m just observing how my words come over to you and I’m interested to know why that might be.

Anyway, good night and hope you had a good sleep.

Like others have said you have been through an awful lot. And you also have a wee baby which is going to be taking up so much of your time and energy!

This is really just picking up on a few small things, just being small things which occur to me:

1. self esteem is hard to build up. What may help is muttering to yourself self affirmations - like "everything will be ok" (over and over) or "i can do it, i can do it, i can do it". Something quite small but it can have a calming and confidence boosting affect apparently.

2. I know someone who was affected by movements after drugs. If you are still on the drugs it may be that you could get a second opinion or other help? This isn't a prescription, but just to let you know what the person I know did to stop the movements (while taking the drugs at first, but they did eventually stop taking the drugs):

• long, long, long walks - this could be done with your LO in a baby carrier on your chest - it is also really good for people in many ways and in relation to the movements seemed to almost reset their brain - the brain connecting with the body, and it is also good for balancing hormones which then also helps the brain, I think?
• Cranial osteopathy/reflexology
• Food - really good diet, low sugar, etc also has impact on hormones etc

Obviously this is all just anecdotal. But i do think long walks can be very beneficial for many reasons.

Writing things down really helps too, writing them down factually and then reading them back to yourself helps your brain work it all out.

Your idea of finding a good grief counsellor is a really good one.

Best wishes and enjoy the magic of Christmas with the dc!

Thank you both for your great replies. They are really thoughtful and helpful, and I think they will help me to process a lot of what I am feeling about many of the issues I have about my health and recent problems.

confusingorious you have made some brilliant suggestions and I completely agree with you about the exercise. I do find that my movements stop once I am distracted, and get a lot worse when I am very stressed, so I try to make an effort to make my life as stress free as possible. I know that this isn’t always possible with a young baby but do have the help of my DH who is always being really good around the house, and doing loads of chores etc to help make my life easier with my DS.

VI0LET With regards to my adoption and relationship with my mum, I know that I am possibly taking things a lot more seriously than I should be, but I really have had a tough time over the past few years and have been to hell and back with my head injury, post concussion syndrome and drug induced involuntary movement disorder, and I think this has really made me analyse my life and relationship with my mum a lot more. I have already met my birth mum a few years ago, and that was fine, but I think I am trying to work through other feelings I have towards her about the fact she took drugs while pregnant with me, therefore making me probably more susceptible to the movement disorder that I have. Although I shouldn’t have lots of feelings of bitterness about this, I do in many ways, and that makes my recovery and dealing with my TD a lot harder knowing it could have been avoided. My GP was also to blame in some ways though - she told me not to look up the side effects of the drug I took (a potent first generation typical antipsychotic drug), which in my eyes is as good as uninformed consent. I know you have to be your own advocate when it comes to your health, but I was so ill at the time that I didn’t have the insight into my illness and its severity. I certainly wasn’t really in a position to assess the safety and suitability of my treatment options at the time.

I digress... life isn’t always a bed of roses and I have so much to be grateful for. I just have to look at these things every day a bit more closely, and count my blessings better.

You've been through so much. Could it be that the recent loss of your DB and ectopic pregnancy have stirred up unresolved feelings towards your first loss, the loss of your birth family? Grief counselling sounds like a really good idea.
Are you in touch with any other adoptees? Low self esteem, the need to always seem grateful and feelings of not living up to adoptive parents expectations are all common themes amongst adoptees. Perhaps reaching out to some adoptees may help.

@NooNooHead I am sorry to hear things have been so tough.

I think VI0LET and others have given you great advice.

You sound like an incredibly strong woman who has had a very, very tough time of it.

I agree that the loss of your brother and the ectopic pregnancy has probably stired up a lot of feelings of loss in you. I think grief counselling could help.

It sounds like the relationship with your adopted mum can be tricky.

Many of us who were not adopted might also feel we have had tricky relationships with our mums too. I think talking to a counsellor could help.

Do you think any one was negligent in the care you received when you got medical treatment?

I just want to wish you well for 2019. Xxxx