Would this prevent me adopting?

[Hopeful8813]

DH and I are in the very early stages of starting to think about adoption but before I get to invested I was wondering if anyone knows if my childhood experiences will affect my ability to adopt.

My parents divorced when I was young and didn't handle it well. The both moved very quickly into new relationships and it became clear that I was a burden really. My mum in particular was quite abusive, telling me it would have been better if I hadn't been born, regularly calling me stupid and a liar etc. Preventing me from seeing friends and so on. My step-mum is very controlling and self absorbed and no interest was ever shown by my parents in my emotional well being etc.

I think my mum was suffering from mental health problems which have now resolved and we are now quite friendly although not close in the traditional mother/daughter way. I keep my dad and step-mum at a distance and see them for a few hours a year.

Will this affect the chances of me being approved to adopt?

No it won’t stop you being approved . Sadly many people have abusive or unhappy childhoods but some of them go on to adopt.

However you WILL have to talk about your childhood during the home study . And lots of emotional issues from your past WILL come up when you have a child.

This is normal, it happens to us all. But it’s worse with adopted kids, because their trauma somehow triggers stuff in us. It might make it harder for you deal with the child in an appropriate and helpful way.

And your adopted child will learn really quickly how to push your buttons. They don’t do this because they are bad - they have learned this as a survival skill.

So I strongly suggest that you go NOW for some counselling or therapy to help you work these things through.

This will help you and will seen as a big positive by social services. It does NOT look good to social workers if you you brush it all under the carpet and say “ that’s all in the past, it doesn't affect me now”.

Counselling should help you deal with things so you can use your experiences to give you insight into what an adopted child might have been through. You can turn this into a strength and not a weakness.

They will go over your childhood at length, and will want to meet your parents, so be prepared for this.

Just be completely honest at all times, don't miss anything out, and it could be seen as a positive when it comes to adoption as you will be able to relate to a child who may have gone through a similar situation.
They will also ask about your parenting methods, and question if you would do the same as your parents, so again just be prepared. My Mum used to smack me and put brandy in my milk when I was younger, not in an abusive way just because that's what they did in those days. I told our SW but said I would ever do either of those with my own child.
Counselling is a good idea, but it also could delay the process as they may want you to complete that before starting. Also, it's whether you feel you need it or not? You haven't indicated you need it, and seem to have come to terms with how you were treated etc, but only you know.

I don't agree with what VI0LET has said, it might be that it IS in the past and it doesn't affect you now. It is something you are aware of, which is great, but just because it happened it doesn't mean it effects you now. You will, however, have to talk through it all with the SW, in detail, but counselling isn't necessary unless you feel you need it.

I didn't have the best time with my mum and things were a bit messed up for quite some years but I've been approved (with my husband). As others have said, what caused me a problem was that although I can very clearly show that I have dealt with all that went on and now have a very nice life, in a stable marriage and with a good career - because I never actually sought formal help or counselling or similar, I didn't have anything 'to prove' that I had moved on. As I say, I still got approved but we had to cover my childhood at length (3+ hours at least) and on multiple occasions, including panel. If you are up for that then go for it, if not, get some formal assistance and apply later. It will all work out, dont panic.

It shouldn’t stop you necessarily but they will want to know you understand the impact your childhood has had on you (beyond wanting to give your own child a different experience), and that you’re reflective, self aware and that you are able to seek support. I had a pretty difficult childhood and we did explore it fully, social workers had no interest in meeting my parents and I was clear that contact with them and any children would be supervised.

I kept seeing a therapist throughout the whole process, and for some time after. It didn’t delay things and was actually really helpful in lots of ways.

I’d echo being prepared for your child’s trauma to trigger your own, I’ve done a lot of work on myself and still get caught off guard by how much I’m impacted by stuff I really did think was resolved.

I was adopted as a child, and had a pretty rough childhood both with bio family and the adopted family (with whom I am now NC)
I was lucky enough to be able to have my own children and they have had a ‘normal’ childhood. But there have been times, especially when they were around the age I was when I was adopted that completely took me by surprise and I was emotionally all over the place. It took a lot of inner reflection, reading on the subject etc for me to come to terms with my own childhood, I thought I was strong and it was all in the past but it wasn’t until I had my own kids that it really hit me, it was like I had to go through a grieving period for the childhood I should have had.
I don’t think I could have coped with my emotions as well as those of an adopted child who would have needed me to be 100% strong.

I really think you need to have some counselling to come to terms with your past so that Can then concentrate on the future of a child.

I will say my child hood was a lot worse than yours based on what you have written so my reaction may have been more extreme than yours would be.

Thank you all. I have a stinking cold so am heading to bed and will read through thoroughly in the morning :)

Hopeful sorry you are feeling poorly.
My background is very similar to yours.
Only child parents divorced when I was 6ish, my delightful mother dumped me on Paddington Station for my father to pick me up never saw her again. He then married a toxic woman who treated me like you as dirt and was made to feel worthless. I was so ugly stupid only good enough to do her housework. I did ok midwife and paediatric nurse
DH and I went on to adopt 8 fantastic children. I was concerned like you but SW said it was not a problem as I had survived and it made me who I was.
Good luck xx

Really appreciate your responses and it is a relief to say it won't necessarily be a barrier although I completely understand that they will want to explore it.

I have a birth DS and have definitely experiences how having a child brings up a lot of bad memories etc. Knowing how much I love my DS I struggle to understand how my parents could not love me.

Hopefully having a DS will show the social workers that I parent in a very different way and that my DS is loved and cared for by both DH and I.

I will have a think about the counselling suggested by some of you, it may be worth going for a few sessions and seeing if they think I need to explore things in more depth or if I have successfully put it behind me :)

Totally agree with VI0LET.

Not sure that the social workers will need to meet your parents, my social worker did not meet mine. I put my sister and dh's dad as our referees and the social worker met them.

The key things are showing how you have coped with your experiences, processed them etc, and the fact that you will be able to keep your child/ren safe and away from any negative influences.

No it won’t stop you, you bring something else to the table having experienced emotional abuse and/or neglect.
Our SW never asked to meet mine or DH’s parents so don’t worry about that unless of course they are going to be part of your support network....which I suspect they won’t.
Be honest and show them that is is a chapter in your life which has been dealt with and is now accepted that’s what I did.