Tips for adopting an 11 month old (and intros)

[LollySox]

Myself and my partner have been matched with an 11 month old and are due to start intros soon (yay!) We are first time parents and don't have many babies in our family so any tips for parenting/bonding with an 11 month old would be greatly appreciated. And any tips for intros too. Thanks!

Congratulations!

My partner and I were in the same boat as you not so long ago. Our DS was 7 months when he came to us a couple of months ago, but was moving around a lot! 11 months they will be moving around a lot and think it’s quite a dangerous age time for trying to walk/gliding around, so I would suggest as much baby proofing as possible! Soft edges on tables, etc!

In terms of bonding, I would say be as patient as you can. I think it takes years to form a strong attachment and I think you can feel like you’ve got to have to straight away - but it won’t be like that really!

Our intros were incredibly stressful, but I think made difficult for several reasons. Whilst I think it was our FC best intention, I don’t think it worked for us to do the care in her house. Whenever we did anything for DS in her house it highly stressed and confused him. I know they need to start looking to the adopters as their parents but I think it’s confusing when the child knows the FC is still there in the background, almost ignoring/shunning them. I would try to suggest only doing the care in your own home, but not sure if this will work...!

I also think - get as much sleep as you can now and go out for dinner a lot! - your life is about to change so much. I honestly think it’s a v difficult age range to adopt as from the word go it needs to be 24 -7 supervision. Enjoy going to the toilet on your own now - as soon it will become a lot harder!!

It’s amazing but think it’s incredibly difficult at the beginning - especially with an age range that try to bash their heads against everything literally all the time!!!

I would suggest ignoring the chronological age, and looking at/reading up on the development etc of a 6 month old baby onwards. If they've had a difficult start, they may well be behind expected levels, and it's usual for babies and children to regress in the face of new situations. So, lots of gentle, sing songy voices, interactive toys, soft and interesting textures, lots and lots of telling them what you're doing before you do it. At 11mo he/she might well be mobile, so babyproof everything (including the dvd and CD player drawers and the telephone - I speak from experience!!). Mainly though, just take it slowly, be led by baby and enjoy!!

I recommend a sling. You can get good structured carriers that you should be able to carry the baby quite comfortably. Have a look to see if you have a sling library near you. You can go along and try a few and hire before you buy. They are run by trained baby wearing consultants who will recommend the best carrier for you and your baby depending on size etc.

As previous poster say you need to take them back a few months in terms of nurture and keeping the baby close to you both in the house and especially when out and about will help build attachment and security for the child.

Can't believe I didn't mention a sling/carrier!!! I run a sling library, and we work with lots of adoptive parents to find the right solution for them, I'd be happy to do a postal hire for you or point you in the direction of your local sling library :-)

Lol not your mummy, I am glad you are on hand to offer expert advice! We previously fostered two different babies from birth and basically the babies were almost permanently attacheded to us. We rarely used our pram. We found it invaluable when out and about with friends to stop the inevitable can I have a cuddle question? If they are all tied up to you they just don’t ask. Passing a newly placed baby around just is not on but people don’t get it.

We have now two adopted siblings who came at 2 & 3. We wore the two year old a lot when she came both at home for close cuddles and comfort and out and about to help her feel secure. At three (and a fairly big three year old) we can still fairly comfortably carry her on our back for reasonable lengths of time. Going through a busy airport recently it really came into its own. We aide a toddler Tula now.

The pink lady, the toddler Tula is our most hired carrier of all of them!! I've found carriers and slings invaluable with a birth child with mental health issues, and I know tens of adoptive parents and foster carers who've found the same.

How exciting!!

I took a notebook during intros to write down her routine / likes / dislikes / food / washing powder used by FC / bath products she used. There is a lot to take in, so writing it down helped.

Being in someone else's house is weird but you just have to go with it and try and forget how surreal it all is. It is also exhausting - you are constantly trying to judge the best thing to do, are concentrating and trying to retain information, it's emotional and exciting and the days are long if you are going to observe full routine from wake up to bed time.

We took some biscuits for FC on day one.

Our daughter also had a lot of stuff so be prepared to take a suitcase with you and fill it and empty it a few times over a few days.

We also varied what we did from what was set out by SW to make it more useful and practical.

Our FC was amazing. By the end of the week we had both bathed our daughter, got her up, put her to bed, in and out of the car and felt we knew her routine and were confident that we could do everything when she came home.

Good luck.

Brilliant thank you all so much for your advice! Partner also has a good chunk of time off work so we're really planning on getting stuck in on the attachment side I do wish sleep worked like a piggybank and I could stock up on it now to save it for later!

-Start washing all bedding/clothes in the same stuff fc uses.
-make notes on routine and stick to it.
-baby proof everything
-take the pressure off yourself...they are 11months old. They will have a couple of favourite toys and might love nursery rhymes. Be yourself, play with them when they are ready and the rest will come Do lots of smiling!

• Get your social worker or fc to be ready with a camera for your first meeting...you will treasure those photos forever

I adopted an 11 month old ! You will have so much fun, really an amazing age. So many milestones and memories to make together. My LG is 15 months now and I utterly adore her - life is crazy but so so worth it xx

@LollySox we have also just been matched with an amazing 11 month old, and all being well will be starting intros. I wondered how it is going for you now ?
Great advice also other poster’s esp on the sling.
This little one is a little behind in terms of crawling / walking so I guess we’ll just be guided by baby ! Excited but a little terrified too as first time parents and are a little older!!

Remember your little one is moving from everything and everyone they know, and it’s as terrifying for them as it would be if you were put in a new home with new people. Attachment will take a long time, particularly given their attachment to birth mum and foster carer will both be disrupted.

Very much be baby led with this - for comparison, think how you’d feel being forced to be close to someone you literally just met. Your little one might cope with a sling, but might not, so have a back up plan, maybe a rear facing pram or buggy. You might need some activities and things you can do along side rather than with, if that makes sense - eg sensory stuff, hand painting, bath games etc rolling balls to them, building blocks alongside, watching the together etc. Try to match the closeness and intensity of activities with what the wee one is able to cope with. Ask the foster carers how they know when the baby is struggling or appears overwhelmed so you can attune to their needs.

I totally understand wanting to get stuck in to building attachment, the best way to build attachment is to be consistently responsive to your child’s needs, so that they come to trust that you will be there and are reliable. Your little one has some healing, grieving and processing to do before they’ll be able to trust that you’re not going to leave too - and at a very young age. It’s a bit of a dance when they’re so young and can only communicate using behaviour - you’ll become a bit of a detective.

Very best of luck, such exciting times for you - enjoy this time of anticipation and planning.

Sorry, I didn’t realise this was an old thread - you’ll be well past the intros stage now

@Jellycatspyjamas I only posted on it yesterday (but it is an old thread!!) we still haven’t started intros yet.
Excellent advice, thank you and the perspective of being led by them without being overbearing for them given the trauma and grief Is so very true. Thank you for your help x