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Adoption

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Original poster

Entertaining an adopted child.

92 replies

Futuremummy87 · 02/12/2018 16:10

Can anyone give me any advice.

It's a milestone birthday for my Dad next year. He wants to have a day trip to London. Our adopted son will have only been home with us for 5 months.

Dad wants to go to Museums and galleries etc and have a nice lunch.

How can I keep a 3 year old entertained while we are traipsing round places he won't be remotely interested in?

Also, I have no idea what little ones attention span etc will be like as we haven't bought him home yet. Feel stressed and neevous. He is our first child.

OP posts:

Kristingle · 05/12/2018 11:21

The ADM will have signed it by next week latest. Often the planning meeting for introductions is held straight after panel ( provisional if ADM not present ) and intros start the next week ( pending ADM approval).

I understand they won’t move him in December but January would have been fine.

What a shame for you and the LO. Will also be hard for FC and their family. Not good for anyone .

Ted27 · 05/12/2018 11:26

You are absoluty right - you should never use a child's name on a public forum. Little boy describes what he is - little and a boy ! Perfect

Original poster

Futuremummy87 · 05/12/2018 11:26

Matching panel hasn't happened yet. We have the backing of all of his team that they want to match with us and a date has been booked. Still lots to do though.

It can't really be done too much quicker. There are only limited panel dates. January panel is too soon to submit the paperwork apparently.

OP posts:

Original poster

Futuremummy87 · 05/12/2018 11:27

Thank you Ted27.

OP posts:

Kristingle · 05/12/2018 11:39

You’re not even matched yet and you won’t be until February ???

You shouldn’t even be discussing his details with your family yet, let alone planning family days out . Sorry you are running ahead of yourselves.

I’m afraid that things often fall through at the last minute - a family member comes forward, they decide to place him with a sibling or half sibling, the FC decide to keep him or another more suitable family is found.

It’s very common.

The fact that they are family finding in November but they can’t get the paperwork done in two months weeks for January panel speaks volumes .

For your own sanity you need to pull back a bit on the emotional involvement until things are more certain.

Original poster

Futuremummy87 · 05/12/2018 11:43

I haven't discussed his personal details with my family Kristingle. I am just trying to ensure that every future decision I make is with him in mind. Dad wants to book his trip to the UK soon and I need to ensure i consider the the little boys needs who will be part of our family by then.

I did not ask advice on the planning of his introductions etc.

They have stopped family finding for him as they are happy and want to match with us. All his family have been assessed long before we were on the picture.

OP posts:

MrsMatty · 05/12/2018 11:58

It is a very exciting and nerve-wracking time for you! The tinings were similar when my grandchild was placed. I do hope all goes well for you all xx

Original poster

Futuremummy87 · 05/12/2018 12:02

Thank You MrsMatty xx

OP posts:

Ted27 · 05/12/2018 12:25

Kristingle - I was formally linked with my son in mid December. Matching panel and intros were not until end of March. In that time there was a huge amount of activity, including securing a school place. I also asked for intros to be delayed because of a significant event (not connected to me)
Future mummys situation with matching panel does not sound that unusual to me. She has identified an issue early in placement and is thinking about how to handle it. Good for her

Original poster

Futuremummy87 · 05/12/2018 12:29

Thank you so much Ted27. I am honestly just trying to do the best thing for him.

OP posts:

PandorasBag · 05/12/2018 12:53

I think for me the key point is that the child is not yet legally 'yours'. Obviously you are thinking ahead and hoping. But to refer to him as 'our son', 'our little chap', 'my little boy' etc just jars a bit to me.

'The child we are very much hoping to adopt', though clunky, sounds better.

Original poster

Futuremummy87 · 05/12/2018 13:01

For goodness sake. I came here to ask for some advice on a predicament that was worrying me. Not have my every life choice analysed.

OP posts:

Original poster

Futuremummy87 · 05/12/2018 13:21

Thank you to those who gave constructive and useful advice.

OP posts:

Ted27 · 05/12/2018 13:34

pandora, we all 'claim' our child. If i had followed your logic I could not have referred to my son as my son until 14 months after he came home because until you get the AO the child is not legally yours. He was 'my boy' from the point of formal linking

Original poster

Futuremummy87 · 05/12/2018 13:46

That gave me great comfort Ted. Thank you.

OP posts:

Thepinklady77 · 05/12/2018 13:49

I am so sorry you have faced this attack on what I thought was a very supportive forum. I might have expected this level of criticism on other adoption forums but not mind net.

Kristingle I don’t mind saying I think you have been out of line in your approach. Op had already been warned in a friendly encouraging manner that a trip to London may just not be appropriate and she has already accepted these comments. You have grossly misread a lot of what she said about a one day event and took it that she was planning this sort of thing for her everyday.

As for the matching I think what she is doing is claiming this little man and making as much plans s she can. I am sure she is aware that a link can fall through before matching but from what she knows it is very unlikely. Plans need to happen, thoughts need to be gathered and all she wants is some encouragement.

OP we had a family weekend planned for my dads gig officiant birthday three months after they arrived with us. It was family friend (Legoland) but involved flights and two overnights. I took to a different forum for opinions on whether we should attempt it. The majority of advice was No. I was disappointed but decided that along with it and social workers opinions we cancelled. It was totally the right decision. It would have been hell for all involved. We did do a trip 8 months in that was very successful. I am not saying to you don’t plan yours, cause they are very different and involves no overnights. If it is something that can wait and not need booked in advance have it in your head and decide when you have got to know him but make your family aware from early on you may not be there.

Totally ignore Kristingles comments, they were uncalled for and unnecessary and please do not let it put you off posting here in the future. I would hope that you will find supportive and empathetic support on here.

Original poster

Futuremummy87 · 05/12/2018 13:55

Thank you pinklady. With the all information we have I am confident things are all going smoothly.

I was trying to be a good mum already by planning ahead and thinking of his needs in advance. I appreciate all the advice and take it all on board.

OP posts:

Moomooboo · 05/12/2018 14:07

I’ve so enjoyed reading these arguments!

Futuremummy it’s very exciting. I think it’s hard to manage family members expectations about what you feel you can do - regardless of whether you are talking about a birth child/adopted child. I think some of the comments here have been a bit adoption focussed - I know many of my friends with biological children wouldn’t do a day in town and would also find it difficult to say that to their parents.

Recently we took our LO to a party - he’s only been briefly with us (about a month). We thought he’d go to sleep in the pram... he didn’t. He spent the whole night clinging to us and became very over tired and the whole thing was very stressful and upsetting (I should say for us, not necessarily him as the next morning at 6 he was smiling and full of energy again...). No it wasn’t right for us to take him, and we’ve learnt our lesson now - but he loved the attention at the beginning of the evening and he loves people.

Your future LO might thoroughly enjoy London - he might not...! Could you trial him on a day trip before you go with your dad? To be honest I find it really difficult to stay at home so we are out somewhere different pretty much every day. We have two outings, one morning and one afternoon - he needs them. If I lived closer to the tube I’d probably take him to town!

Good luck - and try to ignore the judgemental comments! They are ridiculous as has been said!!!

Original poster

Futuremummy87 · 05/12/2018 14:13

Thank you moomooboo. So glad your little one is settling in well.

We will judge it nearer the time. He is apparently a confident little boy but I am well aware that may change in his early days with us. I'll make a call on it depending on how things go. Dad will have to accept my choice not to go if he isn't ready for it.

OP posts:

Kristingle · 05/12/2018 15:27

You are entitled to your Opinion, the pinklady77, as I am to mine.

I generally don’t tell posters to ignore other people’s comments and listen to mine as that seems rude and necessary. Anyone old enought to adopt is old enough to understand that people have different views. That’s what happens on social media and indeed here on the adoption threads .

Disagreeing with someone is not a personal attack and you will not help the Op by framing it as such . It won’t be the last time that someone wiith more experience than her has a different view.

You will get on better on the adoption threads here if you learn to disagree with people’s opinions in a less dismissing and attacking manner.

barleyreed · 05/12/2018 15:27

Excited for your upcoming adoption OP! And whilst I have no experience of adoption I do have a 3 year old son who would enjoy most of that day out, yes he might get tired and fractious but if you are both prepared it probably will be much better than you think! I usually have snacks in my bag (treats like a lollipop in case things get difficult!) little books like Thomas or Mr Men, sticker books are great, maybe an unexpected magazine and a preloaded kindle with a few favourite CBeebies programmes can be handy too (and I am sure half an hour's screen time in a restaurant is better for all than a whingy child and a stressed family!)! Maybe even a few tiny 'presents' the kind of little bits you might get in a party bag could help distract... Hope you have a lovely day with all your family Xxx

GetOffTheTableMabel · 05/12/2018 15:48

I had strict parents who clearly set out their expectations during my childhood and I am a people pleaser. Despite being an adult, I still seek parental approval and find it hard to say no to my —mother— parents, even when that is clearly what’s needed.
Becoming a parent did get the ball rolling with that, I have had to find ways to diplomatically but firmly resist my mother when her ideas have conflicted with the best arrangements for my dds. But I suspect it’s harder when wider families do not have the period of early baby days to help them adjust to your new life and role. Your father may take time to see that he has dropped down the hierarchy somewhat. He may fundamentally disagree that such a thing should ever be necessary and, if you have always been a very dutiful daughter, it’ll be a shock. It’s a balancing act I struggled with.
My dh said (with love) that as soon as my parents want anything from me, I am a daughter first, a mother second and a wife third. It made me think. He was right. I jumped to it whenever my parents wanted me too. I moved heaven and earth to fit around them and it wasn’t right. It is no longer true but it took me a while to find my voice as a mother and I had an easier route to it.
That’s a very roundabout way of saying that it is all to easy to try to please everyone and end up pleasing no one. If necessary, it’s better to leave your child at home and/or be clear with your father in advance about what can reasonably be done, than to take on too much, cross your fingers and have a day that no one enjoys.

Original poster

Futuremummy87 · 05/12/2018 16:19

Know what you mean Mabel. Rings true for me too. Always tried to be a peacemaker with both parents xx

OP posts:

Ilovedotcotton · 05/12/2018 16:37

‘You will get on better on the adoption threads here if you learn to disagree with people’s opinions in a less dismissing and attacking manner.’

I think @thepinklady77 does just fine on adoption threads. Her contributions have always been useful.

tldr · 05/12/2018 16:52

OP, for now, just tell your dad you’ll come if you can but that you won’t know that til you see what life looks like then.

If he doesn’t get it you’ve got a few months to start explaining to him that it’s not a 3yo, to you, he’s a mobile and traumatised new born.

I found it useful to refer constantly to my Training, (ignoring completely the fact it was useless), as it made it Official Guidance.

I also gave everyone the related by adoption book mentioned upthread - one set of gps read it, the others didn’t, but again it was useful as a tool - ‘the book says...’

We had 4 months between linking and matching - endlessly frustrating. (I know you didn’t ask, but if you at all can I’d expedite it - I regret everyday that I didn’t get mine as soon as we were linked.) (Even more frustrating because I think that’s the bit of the process that’s not measured for SS performance metrics.)

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