Entertaining an adopted child.

[Futuremummy87]

Can anyone give me any advice.

It's a milestone birthday for my Dad next year. He wants to have a day trip to London. Our adopted son will have only been home with us for 5 months.

Dad wants to go to Museums and galleries etc and have a nice lunch.

How can I keep a 3 year old entertained while we are traipsing round places he won't be remotely interested in?

Also, I have no idea what little ones attention span etc will be like as we haven't bought him home yet. Feel stressed and neevous. He is our first child.

A useful website for you- reviews of the Tower and National Gallery (and plenty of other places!) with children in mind:
www.madeformums.com

Ignore the people telling you you won't need a buggy! No-one wants to have to carry a tired and grizzly 3yo and buggy is good for carrying other stuff too. Kids need to have a break during a busy day and somewhere they can retreat to for a rest is essential.

Your dad has absolutely no experience of parenting an adopted child. He knows nothing. Do you feel strong enough and confident enough to tell him that and to protect your child? If not what can we do to help you with that?
Because chances are if you send him books he won't read them.

Thank you everyone. He will need to respect whatever decision my husband and I make based on the wonderful advice we have received. Thank you all!

Amazing site, thank you Mrs
Matty!

In your position I would leave dh home with your child and enjoy a day with your dad.

I would go along but on the basis that you may need to veer off from your group to do something child friendly and then meet them back somewhere. So go but make it clear you will need to take child off for breaks etc.

Another thing to consider- your dad's itinerary involves a fair bit of travel. The Tower and National Gallery are not next door to each other! Tubes and buses will be busy and you'll have to negotiate them with all your stuff including buggy - you really will need one! Could be easier if the visit focused on one location, making it easier for you to take time out when you need to.

Off topic of London here but more on topic of buggy. You may find you could use a toddler carrier (sling) with your little one. We can still carry our thee year old quite comfortably in a Tula toddler carrier. This may be useful to avoid buggy in busy London and also great for keeping him close in the crowds.

On a separate attachment side carriers are great for closeness. You could consider getting one from the beginning. Look to see if you have a sling library close to you (google) and go along and hire one to try. They will give great advice as to he best one for you and your son based on his weight. We could not have been without ours for our quite big two year old in the early days when we were out and about. She needed to feel close and secure. Even used it at home sometimes when she was struggling.

Listen to PP. Leave your son at home with your husband and have a nice day out with your father.

Taking any three year old on that trip will be boring and exhausting for the child and stressful for the parents. You need to put your child’s welfare before your fathers wishes. It will not spoil his day if your child doesn’t go. It will DEFINITELY spoil your day and your sons if you take him.

If your father is in the Uk for a week then he has another 6 days to see your son.

You don’t need to persuade your father or argue with him. Tell him you have discussed it with your SW who says she advises against it. Your child will not be officially adopted by then so tell your father you have to do what Sw says.

End of discussion.

What they all said ^^

Doing all that with a 3 year old is insane, as you will quickly realise when placed.

I'd also aim to leave the little one with your DH and go without them.

When we have done London with our 2 the most we manage is

• a museum for 90mins max, (and way less when DD2 was small)
• lunch somewhere, usually in same place as the museum
• something more 'fun' in afternoon such as boat trip or Trafalgar Square to see the lions.

To go against the grain. Mine loved that kind of thing at 3, well maybe not the national gallery, but certainly the tower of london. I would get taxis rather than faff with public transport. I don't think you can properly decide though until you have him home!

I think the problem is that the day will be adult-focused rather than child-focused. It is comparatively easy to make castles and galleries exciting for little ones if all is planned around them. But this is granddad's big day and I should imagine mum and dad could get quite stressed trying to manage things for their child. But yes, I'm sure all will become much clearer when the little lad is home.

I’m not disputing that many ( non adopted , not traumatised , emotionally stable, securely attached and well behaved ) three year olds enjoy trips to museums or on the tube.

However , this child will only have been home for 5 months, you will still be getting to know him and his cues , likes and dislikes. On paper he may be three , but emotionally he will be much younger.

He will still be grieving the loss of his former carers and anxious and worried about when he will next be moved. He will probably be very stressed when tired or over stimulated ( like on a long and busy day trip to London ).

He won’t know the other adult/s present on that day because his grandfather lives abroad. Your father is strict and has high expectations of children’s behaviour.

You want to have a “nice lunch” - I assume this means a place that doesn’t serve chicken nuggets or other things the child is used to and won’t be set up for young children.

You don’t even know if your son will be settled enough to be left with your husband for the day ( I’m assuming that you OP will be the main carer).

You plan to give the child very little access to technology , even though he will be used to this at the FC so it will be comforting and familiar.

You say you want him to enjoy “ normal child’s play “ yet you want to take him to museums and art galleries.

I don’t want to be harsh, but that’s doesn’t sound very child centred to me. It sounds like it’s about the behavioural standards that you want the child to achieve and the type of interests that you want him to have, rather than you meeting his needs.

What if he only likes fish finger and spaghetti hoops ? What if he hates museums and only wants to run around in the park or watch TTTE or Peppa Pig on the iPad ? What is he’s scared of trains and won’t be left with dad, only mum ?

You are trying to fit this unknown child into your mould and that’s usually a recipe for disaster. You need to fit your lives and expectations around him and not the other way around. This isn’t like giving birth.

I’m sorry, I know you will not want to hear this. And I’m sure there are adopters out there who brought home a model child who did exactly what they wanted all the time from day one. It’s just I’ve never met or known of anyone like that .

Kristingle.. I'm not trying to fit him to my needs and expectations at all. Actually quite the opposite. I have had the forethought to see this may be too much for any young child and have asked if there are ways we may be able to entertain him and incorporate his needs on such a long trip. If we feel it will be too much for him, We will decide not to go.

Thank you for already judging my parenting before I have even become one. Much appreciated.

Kristingle. You'll also notice my comment about not too much screen time was in response to someone else judging me for being willing to let him use a tablet at all.

I can't win can I? I want to do the best by my little boy which is why I have asked for advice. I can then make my own decisions.

I don't think Kristina was judging your parenting at all, I think she was responding to the posters who have said it will all be fine.

My son was placed at 1 and at 3 I would absolutelly not have taken him to theTower and we loved museums. I never found it very child freindly and the crowds can be stressful when you have a lairy 3 year old.

Museums we liked at that age were the ones that had a specific younger child section - the basement of the science museum used to be fab.

"Nice lunches" were a big no no at that age for DS he couldn't sit still long enough and one adult would inevitably end up outside with him for half the meal.

As many people have said and I think you have acknowledged - you really can't decide unitl you've not only met your child but worked out who they are, what their triggers are etc.

You seem very sure of dates? I mean obviously you know your dad's birthday but you have a date for introductions fixed?

Hi Kewcumber.

Maybe I took the post the wrong way. Apologies if so. I really just want what is best for our son. I'm definitely thinking it will be too stressful for all of us.

Introductions begin in early march.

I am a bit wary of terms like 'my little boy' and 'little man'. This isn't a kind of cute animated doll. It's a person who has had a a difficult start in life. and who you don't know yet.

In such circumstances I wouldn't start trying to micro-plan what sounds like a very difficult day out.

I think the stress should be on trying to create the beginnings of a 'small family' life, before attempts are made to make a child whose emotional needs are going to be very significant fit into a rigid pattern imposed by your wider family.

I won't call him by his name on here as the protective instinct in me feels it isn't appropriate. He also isn't officially our son yet so I won't say Son. What do you propose I call him on here Pandora?

You must be very frustrated to have been matched in November but be starting introductions in March.

Have they given you a reason for this very unusual delay ? I can’t imagine that either the SW or the FC is on holiday for 3 months .

Can I just clarify...

I made this post aware of the fact the current plans didn't feel suitable for a very young child. I was seeking advice on how / IF his needs could be incorporated into the trip. I am working on the basis that if the plans cannot be changed to fit his needs, we will not be going. He comes first.

I am not expecting him to put up with anything he may not be comfortable with.

Hi Kristingle.

yes, its due to christmas and where his birthday falls. We all felt best not to unsettle him close to christmas and his birthday.

We can us the time wisely to plan. :)

That’s a shame. You could start introductions in early January and have him home by mid January.

You don’t need to wait another two months because his birthday is in February . He’s 3 or 4 - he doesn’t know it’s his birthday unless someone tells him. It’s not like he’ll be checking his iPhone on that date wondering why he’s not having a party 4 weeks into placement .

The sooner he moves is better for everyone involved.

Poor planning IMHO

We have lots of meetings we still need to attend and it all needs to be officially signed off by the adm after matching panel.

Lots still to do before introductions. Exciting times. It does feel like a long wait but we will get there.