Help me help my sister

[CloudAtlas81]

Hi there, my sister and her husband adopted a gorgeous 6 year old in May.

It is a very intense time and I worry about saying the 'wrong' thing when she shares difficulties. BiL not coping and receiving support from social care as he is nervous around my nephew as he has been in the receiving end of a lot of the anger. He can be verbally and physically abusive in the extreme.

How do I support when they ask for my help? I avoid comparing to my own experiences as know there is nothing like it, avoid advice. I listen and reassure but feel so helpless.

Any suggestions?

Just be there, listen, hug, practical stuff like make tea, cook a meal, do some shopping or housework.
When he is at school can you get your sister out for a walk, swim, just a break from it.
My son was a little older when he came home in the April, August to Christmas was horrendous, but it got better, he is 14 now and doing well.
Its often said adoption is a marathon not a sprint. Its such early days, he is a frightened little boy. One piece of advice I would give is, think toddler.
You sound like you are doing a great job, keep on doing what you are doing

My DD arrived at the same age and while there hasn’t been violence those early months were very very hard.

What helped me was having folk who would listen, not compare or tell me how to do it, not tell me they had the same with their kids etc. Listening, letting them scream and cry of need be, offer to help - can you look after your nephew for a couple of hours and let them get out together for a while? My sister sent me little postcards telling me how great a job I was doing which really brightened my day when I felt everything was shit.

It’s hard to watch them go through it but just having your love and support will help.

The good news is they are asking for help - so, in a round about way, you simply need to say "of course, what would you like me to do" and be lead a bit by them.

Explain that you have been told/are aware etc that things might be a little different from having BC, but also that a lot of stuff could be similar.

Don't feel you cannot mention your own direct experiences, or feel they are not relevant.

Reassure them tell them they're doing amazing & try to find positive things to say about their LO or how well they parent them. It will get easier for the if they can persevere but in meantime just ask if either of them need anything - may be that someone to go out with & sound off to is best support you can give.

You sound lovely. Let them talk and let out anything they need to, help with practical stuff that might feel overwhelming like grocery shopping or life admin, drop in a takeaway, bring them tiny treats (for the adults, given discreetly) to keep them going and provide a tiny lift. If you don't judge and don't disappear, you'll be doing far far better than most support networks after adoption! Hang in there alongside them, it's really really tough at the start. (If you want to read something you could look at naish A to Z of therapeutic parenting, but being there for them is the most important.)

Hi, no advice but wanted to say how lovely and caring of you to want to help your sister and to seek out advice on this, also thanks to others replying this is helpful to us we are adopting a 7yr old soon and ready for some tough times x