Can any of you wonderfull parents heko me understand this?

[Ledkr]

Hi there. I have been good friends with a lady and her husband for 4 years now and our daughters are really good friends too.
The friendship is most a mum one but we have met up a few times with the children for new year etc.
They have recently had a hike placed for adoption and all seems to be going well
I am an adoption support worker and they know this. I gave them a reference and am named as one of their support network.
I have always made it very plain that I will never see their file etc and I have nothing to do with recruitment.
So since the child was placed they seem to be backing off more and more from us. Such as declining all playdates, walking off quickly after school or standing away from us at school events!
For me I can just accept this but my daughter seems more and more upset by it as she has noticed.
I have so far just said to her that they are really busy with the new child but it's so hard and feels like it's going to be so hard for them to understand that they can't do anything else other than school stuff.
I know that the early months are often really tricky so maybe they just feel as if they don't want my possibly prying judgemental eyes watching them. But do you think this would be an understandable reaction and one that might pass in time.
Thanks for reading. I thought a different perspective would be helpful

Surely if you are an adoption support worker, you will know they are funneling? That alone would make me expect to not be able to visit for a few months.

I think you are being a bit unrealistic. Two kids are much harder than one. An 'easy' adoption is still very hard work for the first 6 months. At the harder range it can be incredibly difficult and that's before you add the complication of a birth child. I would not be expecting playdates with a newly adopted child for a substantial amount of time. I certainly wouldn't be surprised they lack the time and energy for social niceties.

Speak to them. Reassure them that you are still here if they need anything. Perhaps offer to look after their DD so they can have a bit of a breather.

I'm guessing that they can't or don't want to do play dates at the moment and maybe the fact that you keep asking is making them feel a bit harassed? Encourage your dd to have other friends to play, stop asking them to do stuff and just let them know that you're there in the background. This is a testing time for them.

Yeah, they're funnelling for the child's sake, to give them the best chance of bonding without adding other new adults or children into the mix. And they're probably in survival mode themselves, short on sleep and sanity. If you want to be lovely, drop off a meal when you know they're out, and make it clear it's a no-strings gift and you're not expecting contact.

If you need help managing your own child's expectations, I'm sure your professional experience will guide you in explaining that just as tiny babies need time to bond with their parents (and have 9 months in utero learning familiar voices etc) then any new child in a family also needs that special 1:1 time, for a long time, before they can be ready to meet new people.

Of course they're funnelling and wouldn't expect to explain it to your as you're supposed to be a professional in the field. Also, they're probably a bit stressed and tired. How about you drop round a casserole on their doorstep or something?

In sorry if I've annoyed people posting this and of course I understand some of the reasons why they need to huddle in. Maybe I wasn't clear enough but its not so much about the play dates as much as literally pulling their daughter physically away from mine to walk off briskly while both girls are visibly wanting to walk together or stop at the park like we used to.
I have only once suggested a play date and this was when they appeared hand in hand asking for one. I just said "it's ok by me" but was told not today.
I have of course made it very clear that I'm happy to help out any way I can. Texts "let me know if I can do anything, always happy to do a school or swimming run" etc.
I was a reference as they are amazing parents and am named on their support network.
I mentioned my job as I wondered whether this was what was making them feel uncomfortable around me and I wanted the perspective of others so that I can try and do what's best.
Its one thing working in the field but a very different experience when it's friends.
The child has been home since the summer and things were fairly normal up.until recently.
I have explained to my daughter that they all.need time to be together but other children are going home for playdates so it does feel as if it's only her.
I just felt worried that I have somehow done something wrong.

Ah OK sorry if I misread. Based on the timing I would guess end of honeymoon period / beginning of behaviour regression. The girls may want to talk/play, but the adult might know they've got perhaps 15 minutes before a meltdown and they'd rather manage that at home. Or maybe they're having post-adoption struggles as adults and can't manage more than a quick dart out for school pick up. If things are (totally normally) rough, maybe it's too hard to face people who knew your idealistic pre-placement hopes?

People in a support network who actually stick around and are still there after the adopters stagger out the other side of the first six months, are precious beyond measure, so good for you for keeping in low-pressure contact. The family will find you when they feel able to. What's going on now is massively unlikely to be in any way connected to you, I seriously doubt it's personal.

P.s. It is a bit weird re other children going on play dates, but I'm still reckoning they're in survival mode and will come out of it in the end.

I just felt worried that I have somehow done something wrong.

That seems unlikely, given you haven't seen them much. More likely that they are struggling and all their energy is going into dealing with their new family situation.