Adopted children, social media and birth family

[Threadastaire]

I hope it's ok to ask this as a professional who works with children rather than this being a personal experience. I work with vulnerable children, including children in care, which sadly includes some children who came back into the system after adoption breakdowns. Increasingly I've come across children who have/are actively searching for biological family on social media (siblings as well as birth parents) and children who have been contacted by birth family via the same.

I trained pre-social media when rules were very simple and easy to stick to, ie letterbox contact only, and then rights to search post 18. I'm disappointed (though not surprised) that official guidance hasn't been able to keep pace with social media developments, and it's still a relatively new area to have a basis for 'best practice'. I understand of course that the best thing for any child will be individual, but I'd be really interested if anyone has had experience of this or has any thoughts about it? For example I've read accounts from some adoptees that with the increased likelihood of meeting birth family, they wish they'd had a more honest account of the reasons for their adoption (rather than a sugar coated version) so that they could make more informed decisions as teens. There's a grey area about supporting contact, given that contact would traditionally not have been lawful (post adoption confidentiality)

Just to be clear, this is just me trying to think about things from multiple perspectives to respond better to those I support, I'm not doing research or going to quote anyone who replies. Would really appreciate any thoughts!

My son is 14. Whilst I would prefer him not to look for his birth parents on social media, the reality is I really can't stop him if he wants to. I can monitor what he's up to at home, now he is out and about on his own I have no control. It would actually take him about 2 seconds to find birth mum on facebook, but I don't think its occurred to him to try.

Following very intensive life story work he has expressed an interest in seeing mum. He hasn't had any contact with her since he was 4. His life story work spared him very little. Only two pieces of information were left out, one about mum and one about dad. They related to their childhoods, and whilst these incidents had a huge impact on them, quite frankly they are so horrific I didnt want it in his head. He was however, left under no illusion about the effect of drugs, alcohol and domestic violence. At the end of it, my son knows which side his bread his buttered, but he is still curious and there are questions only she can answer.
Social workers will not support contact because our adoption is stable and he isn't actively searching or likely to run off to meet her. I think they are wrong. He is 14, he's had nearly 2 years of therapy, he can articulate why he wants to see her. Why should he have to wait another 4 years. I think its his right to see her, but he is being denied it because he is doing so well.

Ted. I don't know why, but your post really moved me. I think maybe because he's 14 and happy. But I'm have a little tear

Minty, yes he is happy, but he has moments of extreme sadness, which only I see. He puts on a good face to the world. He has a great capacity to live in the moment as is by nature a glass half full person - its gives him a cushion I think. I am very hopeful for his future.

Ted. I have a vulnerable BC who has his own challenges, my DH was adopted, and has issues, but your post was lovely, as parents we are challenged, and can only love and support our children, I wish you and your boy a very happy future

and you Minty, sounds like you have a lot on your plate

@ted, thanks for posting, that's an interesting perspective. I can imagine that social workers wouldn't be able to promote contact as 'officially' they aren't allowed to until he's 18 so they can only justify breaking the rules, as it were, if the adoption were in serious jeapordy.
Do you mind me asking how it came about that he knew a lot of the information about why he was adopted? I mainly work with children 11+ and I'm amazed at the number who are told 'mummy (and daddy) loved you and tried but they couldn't keep you safe' and that's it. I get that that's an appropriate story for a 3-4 yr old but it's not enough to leave it as that for when they're older, and leaves a big risk of parents being put on a pedestal, and/or children feeling like they were adopted 'for no reason'. Hence leading to seeking idealised contact.

He had theraputic life story work over about 18 months, it was a very painful and traumatic process but ultimately worth it.

It moves them through the narrative . So in broad terms in his case mummy and daddy loved you but couldnt keep you safe, they couldnt keep you safe because they made bad decisions, they made bad decisioñs because they took drugs and drank too much and hit each other, they took drugs because ........ and so on. So it looks a lot at the birth parents lives and why it happened. I think this is key. quite often the children know the what and the how, but not the why.

Look up Richard Rose.

Im curious why you think contact before 18 is not lawful. I know its rare but some do have direct contact, including my son with birth dad.

Sorry I should have said we got funding for the life story work because at 10/11 his behaviour started to deteriorate. I managed to get the intervention before agression turned to violence. It was very timely for us and is what I think has kept at bay the worst of the teenage issues.

A couple of publications here

corambaaf.org.uk/social-networking

I’m also suprised to hear of young adult adoptees who have had the sugar coated story. Even in the 1980s and 90s, adoptive parents were advised to tell their children the truth in ang age appropriate way. And that childen should know ALL the information that you know BEFORE they hit the teenage years.

I think the sugar coating is more of an American practice. The cultural belief there is that telling the children bad things about their own flesh and blood will damage their self esteem.

In some other countries, adopters are advised to tell their children nothing and hope that they will focus on their new lives.

It’s easy to criticise these beliefs but they are all sincerely held and well intentioned I think. And of course, adults who had been through all three systems ( tell nothing, tell only nice things , tell everything ) will have had unhappy adoptions and will therefore be critical of the belief system and practice that prevailed at the time.

And these cultures change over time. In the 1950s things were kept in the family whereas we are in the Jeremy Kyle/ Daily Fail expose / YouTube generation.

It’s too glib and easy to think that we are all right and our grandparents were all wrong.

Remember that the happy adoptees tend not be to vocal about it and write blogs or speak at conferences .

AFAIK There’s no hard evidence to show which way is best. In my immediate family we have

• someone not even told they were adopted until they were 21and getting married

• someone who always knew they were adopted but nothing else and who traced BF in their 20s.

• someone who always knew their were adopted , had in no information but never traced

• someone who always knew they were adopted, always had all the (not bad ) information but never traced

• someone who always knew they were adopted , had all the ( very bad) details and then traced when they were a teenager, assisted by rogue SW

As far as I can see, the biggest influences on stability and happiness ( within these people ) seem to be the damage done pre placement, the quality of the parent child relationship after placement and the child’s personality and resilience.

But of course that’s all just my opinion and experience. It’s not proof of anything.

@Threadastaire sorry to jump in. I used to work with care leavers, including those back in care after adoption breakdown. Most of the young people I worked with who didn't have official contact with birth family had searched for them on social media. I can only remember one who wanted to see his social care files and paid the £10 to do so.

I think it is important that SW rules should be updated to encompass social media.

Also, as an older BM from the era when being young and single meant your parents arranged adoption, the worst thing for me (and my son) was not knowing if he was alive or dead, just no information at all. Information (age appropriate) over the years for both BM and child is immensely important and would stop the huge emotional, life changing impact of an adoption reunion.

OP I think that the courts can make whatever decisions it sees fit in relation to contact, and this has always been the case, so it won't always be a breach of confidentiality?

I wanted to give you the views of a recently approved family who has just started introductions with our LO.

Our agency has been great and we find them really supportive but when it comes to social media we haven't been given much guidance on what to do.

We had social media but have never really been very active, so when finding out that the family our LO is from is very active across all social media we decided just to get rid of it all.

We know that growing up in this world that our LO will have access to social media but I think through the life story work we carry out our LO will not know birth mums full name till it's age appropriate.