Experience of birth family leaving a bequest?

[oppen]

TIA for any insight.
I’m a birth family member looking at the options for leaving my niece a bequest in our will. As the amount will be quite substantial I need to get this right.

Have you as an adoptive parent found this process ok to deal with?
Did you receive the bequest with little impact on your family?
Were SS involved with this process?
Was the adoption agency involved?

The last thing I wish to do is cause her birth family or herself any upset or undue stress. Or for her birth family to think we are trying to butt in with money & items. I also don’t want her to think we have forgotten about her, that would never be the case.

I have been advised that it would be best to wait until she is 18 but I need to make provision now as you really don’t know what is round the corner.

Once again, thank you.

edited to add it should say adoptive as below ~
The last thing I wish to do is cause her adoptive family or herself any upset or undue stress.

Can you put it in trust until 25 or something? That could cause fewer issues?

I think it's lovely you're thinking of your niece, however it could cause problems. A large windfall to a traumatised teen could present challenges. If she has siblings with other birth families, it could cause rivalry and other issues.

Children have no right to inherit from birth families once adopted, and it could be difficult for you to name her if you don't know her name now? Putting her birth name could cause problems, maybe, as that may not be her name. I'd use a specialist solicitor, if I were you.

Yes I was thinking of a trust in any instance as she is quite a few years from being an adult yet anyway. Should I drop dead in the very near future before she had reached adulthood the bequest would need to be kept safe. Unfortunately my relationship with my sister (nieces birth mum) broke down several years ago and we no longer speak. As she is the only one in our family with letter box contact I can’t even ask the adoption agency for advice or if they could contact her adoptive family to find out if they would be for or against a bequest.

Yes I see the points about sibling rivalry etc. But as we know nothing about my niece I don’t know what other family members she has or name changes etc. Not even a picture unfortunately. But solicitors/SS etc can trace her with her original name/DOB/adoption date.

I did have a lady reply on a different thread where it did work out for her adopted daughter to receive a bequest so that gives me hope that I can achieve this for my niece. I don’t see why my niece should not be set up for the future/own home/university etc just because my sister made the wrong choices.

I think it is a really nice thought. I have no experience but as an adoptive parent, of a birth family member left my child money when she was, say, 25 then I would view it as a positive for them! As long as it is clear that the money has not been left in order to manipulate contact or anything, it is purely a gift. I agree with you consulting a solicitor with experience perhaps.

No one will be able to trace your niece, unless she requests it though. Adoption records are effectively sealed. SS would not give you or a solicitor her name.

That could be an issue, if she doesn't ever know about it. Could you ask SS to send a letterbox letter from you? Or a letter on her file with details?

Difficult one but would think your wishes could be fulfilled if id is not detrimental or harm the child and in law child is considered competent , would not have too reveal source if gift., but could may be a deprovision of right's if your wishes not conveyed too child.
Would speak too your solicitors. And look at Child competence law (we used similar few years ago GILLICK/FRASER COMPETENCE be it for different reasons) also Look at Unicef convention of right of a child.
www.unicef.org/crc/filesparticipation.pdf or google ., Do not think you are being unreasonable but is a very sensitive area and be addressed appropriatly

Thanks for the replies everyone. In no way at all is the bequest to manipulate or gain contact with my niece. Using the Adoption and Children Act 2005 I could trace her using an intermediary once she turns 18 but I will not be NOT be doing that. I will NOT be tracing her. That is her & her adoptive families decision if they wish.

This is to make sure she gets what is hers. Even though she is now legally someone else’s child that does not stop her once being part of our family. Yes her pictures are held in time but she is still there everyday. We are not a bad family as a whole, never involved with SS, police, courts etc. It was my sister who brought all this about. Didn’t tell any of us about anything until it was too late & the damage was done.

Will certainly check out the child competence law. Would that cover children with learning difficulties?

In trust til she's 25. Very sensible and lovely.
You can send a letter now to go on her file to say you are thinking of her. Then if she does access stuff at 18 she can see immediately that you were iyswim.

@PicaK Unfortunately as my sister and I don’t speak I wouldn’t even know where to send the letter. She has all the information and our relationship has broken down to the point that it will never be fixed. I very much doubt she would even pass one on to the relevant agency/service should I send it to her to forward on. According to her me & my own family are the bad ones for not taking her child in. SS gave us 30 minutes to make a decision to take her in or not out of the blue in a phone call.

Having re-read some of the replies and having more time to think I’m starting to think this may cause her adoptive family & herself too much stress/upset/issues and I could make things worse by leaving a bequest. But others make me think it’s a good thing to do.

I’m torn at the moment with my heart & head and just not sure what to do for the best.

Would possible use an intermediary org who are experienced in trust matters and child protection/competence, such as NSPCC who may be able too offer Trustee services for you until child is of age.
Other org who may help is www.frg.org.uk . They have legal and offer advice and support for this kind of situation

Thank you for the link it is very much appreciated.
Leaving a bequest puts my niece at “risk” of being harmed
(emotionally) or it being detrimental to her & her family. Having looked at things logically I can’t take that chance of her being upset that way. If I knew for sure that would not be the case I would press on with this but as there is a risk or chance this could happen I think this matter needs putting back in its compartment in my mind.
I would be just as bad as my sister for putting her at risk of emotional harm by forcing a bequest upon her. She was placed with her new family so as not to be at risk from anything anymore.
Not what I want and I have enough guilt to carry without thinking I caused distress to her and her family.

Just want to say before I leave a big thank you to you all you parents for taking in the children that you do. Thank you also for this great adoption section. I’ve learnt far more here than from any designated service or agency. Thank you.

I think it is a wise decision. I think although I would be ok with this, there is a chance my future adult child would not be. You are right, it could be great for her or could be really difficult. You will never know so the safest bet is to leave it. You sound extremely thoughtful

Thank you. That’s is just my point, I don’t know what the future will be. So will leave it at that and not risk opening any cans of worms.
I have found this out the hard way as had things been as they are now for us all those years ago she would have been with us now. But at that time there was no way for us to to look after another child & why we never had more of our own which I would have been delighted with. That’s where my deep seated guilt comes from now. We did nothing wrong but circumstances worked against us at that particular time in our lives.

My own child had to and will always come first in my life.

You must know which agency was dealing with your niece as someone from there contacted you about the possibility of your taking the child.

So you can contact that agency and ask if you can leave a letter on file for your niece, which she will be able to access if she wants when she is an adult.

You might be able to put money in trust for her now and leave the details of your solicitor in that letter. Then if she wishes she can contact your solicitors and get the bequest when she is an adult.

But you would need to think of the best age for her to access the trust, it’s probably not 18.

I don’t think it would work for you to leave money in your will. Because you don’t know when you will die and how would your solicitor contact her then ? Social services will probably have no contact with her once the adoption order is granted, she and her family could move away the next week. And you won’t know her name to trace her.

You could try to get In touch through an intermediary when she’s 18. But you are wrong to think that they will Trace her for you, they will contact HER to see if she wants to have contact with you. She might well not reply or just say no.

And if you are dead, how exactly will you use the intermediary?

I have to warn you that very few 18 year olds, adopted or not, have the slightest interest in their family tree . It’s normal for them to be focussed on the present and their own future, not ancient history.

I know can be upsetting, but adolescence is about loosening family ties, not making new ones.

BTW I think it’s ok for you to have put your own child first, that’s what all parents have to do.

Your niece will almost certainly have been placed in a loving happy family and will have a good life.

I understand that you feel guilty but What happened wasn’t your fault.

You should never have been asked to make such a decision in a 30 min phone call. You should have had a face to face meeting , been given more information and time to think about it and make an informed decision .

That was very poor practice and not fair on your, your niece or the adoptive parents.

Also just to add - as an adopter - i think the world of my ad's aunt and grandparents. For equally valid reasons they couldn't look after her but we did meet them and i know they were so sad. My daughter will always know how much they cared.

@KristinaM
Thank you for your reply. Just to clarify a few points.

I fully understand that an intermediary would only contact her and if she did or didn’t respond would be her decision. It’s not a route I’m going to go down. Ever. I feel that would put undue pressure on her which I wish to avoid.

Having got some responses I’m now not going to be leaving anything in a trust, bequest, will or legacy. As this too is undue pressure that risks being harmful to her & her adoptive family.

Our son is nearly 18 so I do get the whole teenage thing and that they are focused on their own lives/teenage traumas rather than anything else. I don’t expect for 1 minute that my niece would suddenly think at 18 that she needs to find her birth family. As you say we are ancient history, bad history, sad history probably best not to be raked over again.

As for the 30 mins to make a decision. It was nothing to do with her adoption. This was when SS removed her from my sisters care in the first instance. The phone call from SS was actually 10 minutes long whilst they quickly bombarded me with various things in that 10 minutes. We had 30 mins after that to take her or not because SS needed to make the foster carer aware of an emergency placement. Having never been in contact with SS in my life or since it was quite a shock to say the least. I was at work, my partner was at work & son at school. We didn’t even have chance to discuss it face to face as family. I was told I would need to stop work immediately to care for my niece. Let my sister have full contact when she wanted but constantly monitor her. It would last at 6 months but probably more and could have been permanent. Needless to say I couldn’t just stop work as my own son would have been at risk of neglect, no roof over his head, no clothes on his back or food in his stomach if I just stopped working full time. Nor could I make such a huge life changing decision in such a short amount of time.

SS had already been involved with my sister & niece but we didn’t know about it. SS never informed us of the incidents that had taken place whilst her & the child’s father were binge drinking at his place. Or of all the warnings they had received. Or even meetings they had been to.
My parents were deemed unfit to look after my niece as they had let my sister take the child to his place and not stopped her when there were restrictions in place. SS left it up to my sister to tell my parents about the restrictions rather than telling them directly. My parents nor us knew nothing until the 10 minute phone call. But because sister lied to SS that my parents knew everything she had inevitably chucked them under the bus so to speak. She went to an emergency foster home then subsequently 2 more before being placed with an adoptive family.
My decision back then will haunt me for the rest of my life.
I have also since found out that there were mistakes made in the process. Nothing was explained fully and I found much more out after all the events.

@PicaK
It’s lovely to read that you got to meet with birth family. I can imagine it was emotional. What a wonderful gift for them. That was very kind for you to agree to.

Wish we had been extended that gift it would have answered so many questions both for us & our son. We never got to meet with adoptive parents, or even foster carers. During her time in care we got to see her once for 30 minutes in a contact centre with a very unhappy social worker.

I must have missed the post where anyone said a bequest would harm her? Handled nicely, it could be a good thing for her.

Speak to a specialist solicitor, if you want to do it. Don't if you don't. Unless you're ill, there's no urgency.

HI OP;
Why don't you try to find the letterbox coordinator for the Social Services concerned, (shouldn't be too difficult) you could ask them to contact the adoptive family and ask them how they would feel about this and how they'd like you to do it, if at all. I say this because we've certainly been contacted by our coordinator on a few occasions over the years in relation to various requests/enquiries from Birth family members. That said I have realised from other threads on here that we are blessed with a particularly effective Letterbox coordinator.

OP I am an adoptee, and I am really not sure how I would have felt about a bequest (though I am aware of one adoptee who happily received something from birth family) but I would be very interested to know anything at all about the family, so if you could write something about yourself and your family and have it ready to go on file, then that may well be very much appreciated at some point. I know you say that you currently have no details about how to get it on file, so to speak, and I am not sure whether an intermediary could act now to get a letter put on file or sent via letterbox, rather than be involved in contact, before the child is 18? As it may be perceived to be in the child's best interest? Things may also change with your sister in time.

At 18 I was very interested in my ancestry and extended birth families, as well as the extended adopted family. Most adoptees and non adoptees I know were very interested in such things at 18! Everyone is different, as you say it is not possible to predict what your niece will want. A problem in my experience is that many 18 year olds lack the confidence to take an independent step into the unknown, and some adoptees I know took a long time thinking about it before taking the plunge. I think that having information on file from you, about the family and that you would welcome contact, but not expect it at any time, would help with this.

Interesting post nospellingmistakes.

BTW it’s nice to have another adoptee here on the adoption boards at MN. You are very welcome, why don’t you come over and introduce yourself on another thread or start your own ?

There are posters here who are birth parents and adopters as well as people who are just interested/ like to debate and the occasional troll. But we are generally a friendly bunch

Thanks, Kristina.

For anyone still reading a quick update. I had a meeting with a solicitor and it would have been possible to leave a bequest to my sisters birth child & her family. As it was going to be possible I talked with my mum and she eventually got out of my sister the letterbox contact details. (Sister & I still don’t speak) My mum phoned them up and got an absolutely wonderful & helpful woman on the end of the phone. Long story short is after some backward & forwarding my mum was able to send a letter to the adoptive parents through the letterbox contact explaining the situation and what we would like to do with their blessing. Took a couple of months for a reply & unfortunately it was thank you but no thank you. Very appreciative of the thought but it would not be appropriate for their family & circumstances. Rather disappointing yes but I understand. Finally all legal matters are now settled with wills etc in the family should anything happen. I feel much better about it all now as you never know what is round the corner.

Also the wonderful lady at letterbox was very helpful for my parents. Gave them lots of info on post adoption for birth families which they didn’t get after the court case all those years ago. Mum is now getting herself sorted with some counselling after all this time. She is also able to send one letter each year to lay on file.

Oppen thank you for your update. I didn't respond to the earlier post but, as a BP its something I was considering as I have health problems and have been wondering about wills.

Thank you for clarifying the position