Starting intros this week - present for FC?

[Cherry321]

Very excited!! A little bit apprehensive about spending long days with the foster carer and her family. She is lovely - just the situation is a bit strange. I would like to take them some sort of present - maybe something edible? What's the etiquette please?

Yes, get a pressie. We gave both of ours at the end, but the debrett's adoption section says at the beginning is fine too.

With the first adoption we bought a pressie for her son too, because we'd been in his house for a week disrupting his routines and he was very attached to our little one.

Hi Donquixote. Your debretts comment made me laugh! I was thinking a fancy box of biscuits or cake for day 1 and then something a bit more substantial at the end? Something for her children is also a great idea.

Sounds good to me. You don't need to do too much and I think it depends on how much they do/are put out, but it's always nice to say thanks.

P.S. Congratulations- nearly there. Intros can be hard, but it's all worth it.

Thankyou. Can't believe we are nearly there!

We bought them vouchers for their favourite restaurant. Easy to sort on the phone.

Our FC had three children of their own so we bought them a family present of cinema tickets, a big bag of popcorn and one of sweets. They loved it! We also bought the FCs a present of their own - a framed picture of our LO. They had one of every child they’d fostered and heavy hints were dropped throughout the week that they’d like the same again 😂

Debretts!

We brought some food/treats on the longest day of intros, when FC was going to be making us dinner. And then we brought a big bouquet of flowers on the last day when we were taking DD home and we knew FC would be very upset.

For us it is hypothetical (at the moment) but can't say it would ever cross my mind to buy presents for foster carers.

They are, in effect, doing a job. I don't buy presents for teachers either.

Not planning on presents for any social workers.

I don't think I am a heartless bastard, and of course when it comes to be a reality I guess I may change my mind.

Mind you, I am not viewing the prospect of introductions with any kind of positivity, just something we have to be put through

I am planning, of course, to maintain any possible contact with the FC that is deemed appropriate in recognition of the work that they have done.

Topcat2014
I think the decision about buying a present for FCs may depend very much on your experiences during intros. We had the most wonderful FCs - they looked after our son so amazingly well I feel forever indebted to them. For them, it isn’t just a job and they go above and beyond for every child they have. My son benefitted from being with them in so many ways - why wouldn’t I want to give them a small token of thanks?

On the other hand, I have friends who also have adopted and there experiences couldn’t be more different than mine. Their FCs were poor in so many ways and it was very much a job to them. One small example is that the children arrived with my friends in clothes and shoes dirty, and MUCH too small as they hadn’t bothered to buy them new ones ‘as they’d be moving on soon’. There are lots of other examples of poor caring that I won’t mention here. My friends didn’t buy them a present and are still dealing with harm done not by birth parents but by FCs.

I truly hope your experience will be like mine. I like to hope I’m the norm and my friends are the exception.

Thanks for the suggestions - I love the cinema ticket idea.

I am hhoping for great Fc too, but nothing else has been straightforward, so that could be clouding my judgement and of course I am somewhat
Apprehensive.

I am a foster carer and just remember they will be nervous too. I was so nervous as wanted them too know that I had done a good job with their little one but also very emotional week as I was loosing the little one I loved so much.

It's an emotional thing to be a part of exciting for this and little ones new life but also sadness for loosing the little one.

My greatest fear was that the little one would think I had abandoned her or that she has not been loved (which she was like one of my own) and whilst the little one was only young ten months, I still grieved her leaving.

Good luck and I hope you have a good experience with good carers we are
Lucky as we still have contact which went into place after the adoption order . This did take a while and I'm unsure if this is a good thing for the little one give them time to settle in or it makes them feel abandoned by the person who has cared for them. I'm not sure and either way I'm thankful I still have her in my life.

Have a lovely garden with many small bushes tree's and roses each has a memory of a child.

We had a bunch of flowers delivered after we had left with LO on the day she moved home forever.

Aw that's lovely hidinginthenightgarden x

I am planning, of course, to maintain any possible contact with the FC that is deemed appropriate in recognition of the work that they have done

I think that if the F.C. have done a good job with your child and with the intros then it’s polite to give a card or small gift , especially if there are children in the household.

But the main reason to keep in touch is often that it benefits you , the adopters and your child.

FC often have lots of info that will help your child later. They usually have knowledge and experience of the Bf. They hold part of your child’s history .

You child may well be very attached to them and having some contact will help your child grieve appropriately and transfer that to you.

So if possible be nice and keep in contact - you’re not doing them a favour , you are helping your child.

Not buying new clothes as moving on soon could be seen as helpful.

My DDs were in clothes not really to my taste for around a year. it would have been nice to have been able to buy more sooner, but DD1 especially was attached to her clothes ...

I take the opposite view. There’s no benefit in children wearing clothes which are too small. It also meant that everything had to be thrown away new clothes purchased soon as they arrived. As your DD experienced, it’s nice to have something familiar when so much is new.

There was a thread here recently (I think it was the dreaded name change thread) where an adult adoptee said their new parents threw away all their clothes on arrival and it made them feel as though there was something shameful about where they had come from. I have paraphrased that, and I hope I haven’t misremembered it, but the comment really stayed with me.

There was a thread here recently (I think it was the dreaded name change thread) where an adult adoptee said their new parents threw away all their clothes on arrival and it made them feel as though there was something shameful about where they had come from

That’s a really interesting example of how something that is normal in our society for bio parents ( choosing lovely new outfits for your new child ) can be experienced very differently by the child and the adoptive parents .

Getting new outfits is a big part of claiming a child in our society . Many new parents are given gifts of clothes for their child.

Most gift givers get a lot of pleasure from shopping for outfits and seeing them on their relatives / friends child.

Many women who are childless have found it very painful to buy cute baby outfits for freinds babies when they have none of their own .

New mums often say “ oh my aunt gave me a beautiful dress for DD, I must put that on her when she next visits “. It matters.

So they are happy , but the adopted child feels unhappy and shameful .

Of course they are both right to feel the way they do. And of course the child’s feelings must be catered for. But it’s hard for the adopters , who have just done what everyone else does - take great pleasure in buying new things for their much longed for child.

There was a thread here recently (I think it was the dreaded name change thread) where an adult adoptee said their new parents threw away all their clothes on arrival and it made them feel as though there was something shameful about where they had come from

That’s a really interesting example of how something that is normal in our society for bio parents ( choosing lovely new outfits for your new child ) can be experienced very differently by the child and the adoptive parents .

Getting new outfits is a big part of claiming a child in our society . Many new parents are given gifts of clothes for their child.

Most gift givers get a lot of pleasure from shopping for outfits and seeing them on their relatives / friends child.

Many women who are childless have found it very painful to buy cute baby outfits for freinds babies when they have none of their own .

New mums often say “ oh my aunt gave me a beautiful dress for DD, I must put that on her when she next visits “. It matters.

So they are happy , but the adopted child feels unhappy and shameful .

Of course they are both right to feel the way they do. And of course the child’s feelings must be catered for. But it’s hard for the adopters , who have just done what everyone else does - take great pleasure in buying new things for their much longed for child.