Adoptee

[Shelleytanyadodd]

I am and adoptee looking for some advice! I was adopted as a baby and grown-up in a lovely family with my adopted brother. At 2 1/2 years ago I was reunited with my Birth mum which was an amazing and very emotional experience. Since then we have developed our relationship and my Birth mum is so lovely and caring but has her own issues around my adoption regarding guilt . At the moment I am struggling as I feel that I still need her Time and love but it’s not something that she can give me due to her own issues. She lives a few hours away and has three other children and grandchildren so spends much of her time with them. I suppose I feel jealous of the time she spends with them thinking that she would spend more time with us. Not sure where to go from here as I do Love her but she says she’s not in a good place for us to come and visit her and I’ve asked her to come and maybe visit us but she hasn’t. We do speak and text weekly bus after we speak I still feel lonely and she has so many distractions around here – we don’t really chat properly at all. Any suggestions gratefully received!

Hello Shelley!
Lovely to hear that your adoption has been a positive experience

I’m an adoptive mother so can only answer from that point of view. Hopefully some of the birth mothers on the board will put their thoughts forward too

It sounds like your birth mother is struggling with the change in your relationship. You mention she has feelings of guilt, perhaps she is not ready yet to fully face these feelings. I think it is positive that she has been honest with you and explained she cannot receive you at her home for visits yet. This must be extremely hard for you. You mentioned feelings of jealousy and it’s unsurprising. Neither of you are feeling anything that is not normal under difficult circumstances.

I say this only with kindness but I don’t think your birth mother is ready to embrace this relationship to the same extent you are...yet! It is possibly putting too much on her to expect her to at the moment. I would respect her wishes and find comfort for your loneliness from your adoptive family. Are they still around? Do they support you? You are understably looking for birth mother to fill a hole in your life that she may just not be able to fill. I think space and time will help this, and you seeking support elsewhere. I hope that doesn’t upset you

Hi oomatron
Thank you for your thoughts. You are absolutely right. I suppose I thought my birth mum would / could spend as much time with us as possible. I understand that she can’t give me what I need but it’s so hard. Sadly both my adoptive parents have died but I am really close to my brother. I know I need to step back and wait but it’s hard when we have this second opportunity I suppose. My adoptive parents were very loving and I am proud to be the person I am today because of them. My brother has also been reunited with his birth mum but it’s a more casual relationship which works for him. I will take your advice on board

I suppose I thought my birth mum would / could spend as much time with us as possible.

I wonder if reframing “as much time as possible” might help? Taking account of all the commitments she has, whether that be work, family, voluntary work - whatever, and recognising that your presence will bring up all kinds of feelings for her, my guess is that she’s as available to you as it’s possible for her to be. You had hoped for more, and I can understand that, however you both have lived most of your lives without knowing each other I imagine it’s hard for her to make space for you and to deal with whatever questions it raises with the other relationships in her life.

I say that not to be hurtful but to help you know that it’s not necessarily about her relationship with you - which is still new and probably somewhat undefined - it’s about your birth mum, her relationship with herself and the people closest to her. She’ll be on her own journey, which is different to your journey. I know it’s painful to sit on the periphery especially given the loss of your parents, which I guess makes you finding your birth mum bittersweet.

What’s your wider support network like? What help did you have to cope with the loss of your parents, it may be that revisiting that loss will help you come to terms with the limits of what your birth mum can offer. It’s so hard, I really feel for you.

Hi OP. I'm an adoptive mum, so haven't been in your shoes, but really feel for what a tough time you're having. You've had great advice already - the only think I'd add is whether you'd consider counselling to help you work this through?

It's really complex for you - you've lost both of your adoptive parents and now your biological mum can't (yet) give you what you need, which must feel like another bereavement of sorts? You've had a lot to deal with and some professional help could be a great support.

I agree that I do need to be mindful of all the other commitments she has and I do treasure being together. She is very honest and has said how hard it is for her and that she needs to be able to give a bit of herself to everyone and also have enough for herself. We get on so well and she is so very thoughtful and caring - and we do have a giggle. I think that my ultimate fear is loosing her which I know won’t happen and I know that she loves us all and has said that she will never let us go. I’ve read primal wound and Being reunited which talks about the adopted child and how these feelings are normal?! I have very good friends who I can talk to when I’m feeling a bit unsure and they have also advised stepping back a bit and that things will work out. My sister ( step sister) who obviously knows mum more than I do is also supportive. She says how much mum loves us and is so happy that we are in her life but she also worries about not wanting to upset me. I can talk to my brother about our parents and we have a giggle about growing up together. While my parents aren’t around they are still very much part of our lives when I tell my kids about them.
It is all a journey and I am so very grateful to be part of my mum and have her in our lives
It is really helpful getting your thoughts

Hi OP I am a birth Mum and whilst I feel enormously guilty for the situation leading up to my sons adoption I do honestly believe at that point in my life it was the best thing for my son. I would jump at the chance to have him in my life in any position: however I have also been very open with those close including my new partner that my son was adopted. I am wondering whether your mum hasn’t told others that she had a daughter who was adopted and this is why she can’t spend time with you- for some people it feels better to pretend it hasn’t happened.

I was fortunate in that I received amazing post adoption counselling and was able to deal with the adoption, however as I am guessing you are at least 18, these services probably wasn’t around or easily accessed back then.

Your birth Mum loves you very much but she will also be in a lot of pain, and seeing you may make it a reality of all of the things she’s missed out on in your life.

She’s the only one who can really answer your questions though so maybe an open discussion with her is needed.

Hi our miracle 1106
Thank you for your thoughts and I’m sure you’re right in that my adoption was very hard for my mum. We do talk about when I was little growing up with my family and we talk about her life growing up and when she had my other three sisters. That’s sometimes hard for us both. All her family know me and I’ve met my sisters and their families . I think the whole enormity of our journey sometimes is overwhelming and I just miss this lovely lady. I’m lucky to have her and she’s very precious to us all.

Hi LostInNeverland,
Thank you for telling me your story, it was like looking in a mirror to my own journey. I see that you have withdrawn it, but if you ever feel that you would like to message me I would be delighted to hear from you. We are going through this together - a rollercoaster of emotions .
Take care,
Shelleytanya

Hi Shelleytanya

Thank you very much, I will message you. Sorry about that, I asked for it to be withdrawn, after reading it back and worrying I may have shared too much to be identified and that I’d perhaps poured out too much! I am also aware how unique our situations are and reflective of the time we were adopted and being relinquished as babies I guess? I didn’t want to cause any worry or concerns for anyone who might read it and be effected by adoption now from any angle, as I know all situations are unique and adoption is very different now. In reaching out to you I didn't want to be insensitive to others, if that makes sense!

Will message you soon

Hi ShelleyTanya

I’m an adoptee too and I traced my birth mother when I was about 30. I thought about it for a long time as it was a huge thing for me.

When I met her she was polite enough but clearly didn’t want any regular contact. I found this hard but I realised that her way of dealing with all the issues around the adoption was just to put it to the back of her mind and get on with life.

Like most women in her situation , she married fairly quickly afterwards ( not to my bio father ) and had another two children. And since then she’s been getting on with her life, her family and her career. I’m guessing that’s similar to your birth mother.

She was happy enough to meet and give me some factual information but didn’t want to have a relationship. Which is her choice and in many ways understandable. She knew right from the beginnning of her pregnancy that she couldn’t keep me, so of course she didn’t get emotionally attached . She never saw me after I was born and that was that. Her parents moved her abroad and it was all a bad dream.

Although I was a bio relative I was a total stranger who she knew nothing about . She had coped with her loss by never giving it another thought. It wasn’t personal, just how she survived . I now I was bringing it all up again.

Nowadays there is this “ long lost family “ culture where people have these wonderful emotional reunions on TV and it’s happpy ever after. But the reality is this rarely happens long term. Because people have their own lives and often very different backgrounds.

It is easier for me because my birth and adoptive parents were similar in terms of occupation, income and social class. But that’s rarely the case now and there’s often a huge cultural difference which can be difficult to overcome on reunion.

My birth mother is a nice person but she’s got her own life and family and I have mine. She’s not going to drop everything and start parenting me now. She brought up her kids and been a long term carer for her own mother, who has now died. So she is enjoying her retirement, travelling and socialising with her partner. Why shouldn’t she ?

Your birth mum lost a newborn baby ? 40 years ago. With the best will in the world, you will never be able to have the mother/ daughter relationship you had with your own [adoptive] mother and she has with her other daughters ( the ones she raised ).

I think that you are trying to fill the void of the loss of your parents and it can’t be done. You want more from your birth mother than she is able and willing to give. You need to pull back , as everyone here and your RL friends have told you.

I know you are afraid of losing her but that’s more likely to happen if you keep pushing for time and a place in her life that she’s not able to give. You are very fortunate that all her family have accepted you but in turn you need to give them their place as the ones who will always come first in her life.

I’m sorry, I know that must be very hard to read. But you need to hear what your birth mum is telling you .

She is vague on the phone and by text because it’s all too much for her. You need to reduce contact gradually until it’s at a level she feels comfortable with.

You are making her feel guilty and she doesn’t deserve that. She’s not done anything wrong - she probably had very little choice over what happened all these years ago and you need to respect her choices now.

I know that’s very hard, because you also has no choice and you didn’t ask to be adopted . But you are not a helpless baby now, you are a grown woman and you need to act with wisdom and kindness.

Please stop asking her to visit. Stop expecting her to spend a lot of time with you.

If you go on fighting for her time and guilt tripping her then she will pull back more and may even cut contact. However if you take your time and respect her and her feelings then you may in time have a warm friendship like you might have with an aunt or older family friend.

But she can’t parent you . You are (I’m guessing) in your 30s or 40s and you are grieving for your own parents . Please get some counselling - you need to talk to someone who understands and can help you work out your feelings.

Your birth mum can’t meet your needs , as OoMatron pointed out. You need to find other things and people in your life to do that - your partner, children, friends, hobbies, spirituality - whatever is right for you.

I’m sorry if anything I have said is hurtful, it’s not meant to be. It’s said with kindness and your best interests at heart.

Hi Kristina M,
Thank you for your thoughts . I agree being reunited is not always like how it’s shown in tv programmes. I will take on board about what you said - me being a grown adult and be be mindful of giving my mum space .

I hope it works out for you both.

Please do consider counselling. It’s understandable to feel the way you do after losing your parents and now having this new relationship to navigate. It’s a lot to deal with and its easy to feel lost when there are no “rules” and you don’t what’s the right thing to do.

Counselling can help you make sense of it all and work out what you do.

I'm an adoptee and traced my birth family many years ago. My birth mother had previously died but I found several half siblings. They're nice people and we tried really hard but being brought up so differently meant there were too many gaps to fill. We only have occasional contact now and in some ways I feel sad, but it is what it is. I sometimes think that tracing your birth family just raises even more questions. OP I hope things sort themselves out for you and that you are soon feeling ok about it all x

Hi Mrsmatty
Thank you for sharing your story . I’m sorry that you’re mum had passed away before you could be reunited. Adoption and being reunited is so huge and having support can be really helpful. All our experiences are so different and yet we all all connected because of these. Take care of yourself.

I am going to slightly counter what KristinaM has said, just for balance. I am an adoptee, and in my case, and in the case of 5 other adult adoptees who I know, relationships have been formed and it has been meaningful. It has also been extremely hard at times, and in my case it took many years for things to settle into "normality".

OP I haven't replied up until now because I had an easier time of it than you are having and I wasn't sure if I had anything helpful to say. I am posting now because of what i have just said.

I had a void to fill when my adoptive parents were still alive and so in my case it certainly wasn't to do with filling a void related to their deaths. It wasn't to do with my adoptive parents at all, it has always been an entirely separate thing for me. I also had a reasonably fulfilled and busy life, and I chose to take the time to develop a relationship with my bio mother. It was before i had kids. The relationship has ebbed and flowed and changed a lot over the years. It has always been an adult relationship, she has not ever parented me.

I may be wrong, but it does sound as though you are not clear exactly of what your bio mother wants, and that is making everything harder for you to deal with. It seems she has indicated that she does want a relationship and yet she is not putting the time in which is needed. If you can find a way to try to second guess what is really going on - she can't cope now, she may cope in the future with it, she may not want anything but can't bring herself to tell you, or whatever it is - then it may be easier for you to deal with it and also may be easier for you to communicate with her. For example if you feel she just needs time then you could say that you would like a relationship at some point, when she is ready. It may be that she is not yet sure. Or that she has other things which she must do. It is very difficult for you, and I hope that it all works out and in the meantime, take time to focus on other areas of your life.

We are all different and the above reflects how I deal with things, it may be way off for you, and if so please do just ignore.

Hi nospellingmistakes
Thank you for your thoughts on this . It is very helpful to know that this is a journey which will have its ups and downs and just getting to know how we develop as a family. I think that I might be more like a puppy running a 100 miles an hour and just need to be mindful of giving my mum time to think ! I also think I need to think that people have different expectations. I know that my mum loves me and I think that sometimes it’s just all too overwhelming for us both. I initially posted my thoughts because I really didn’t know what to do. Now having different perspectives has really helped me think a bit more objectively about where we are and what’s going on for us. I think I underestimated what an impact of being reunited with my mum would have on me but you know I believe that it is going to be ok -through the highs and lows and patience and and love it will be ok .
I really appreciated your post.

You are very welcome : )

Thank u x

We as Adoptive parents are in similar situation, though children are young teen's have now a good healthy and loving relation ship , but must understand like teen's they have lots of interest and friends so other things can clash with unsupervised visits, They tend too set dates and times themselves , when they decide will be a whole day or weekend enables more quality time and more important choices with no pressures whatso ever.

Hi Shelley
I am a birthmother and had a reunion many years ago. It was an incredibly emotional time for both of us. It is possible that your mum is holding back as she cannot cope with her complex emotions, which many adoptees also do. Of course, she may feel her other commitments are her priority or possibly others in her family may not be as supportive as they could be hence making things difficult for her with your reunion.
My son and I have had our ups and downs but are still close more than twenty years later so it definitely can work out.
Good luck.

Thank you for your thoughts . I know that my mum does have complex emotions and I want to step back and give her space but I also want to give her a big cuddle so she knows that I love her and I’m there for her . I know it’s not about me but it is about us and our families . It is hard but knowing that it can be ok is very reassuring- thank you x