Are we too old? Baby? School aged child?

[Shalom14]

Hello folks,
I'm new here, I never ever thought I'd find myself on 'Mumsnet'. I thought I'd never have a chance at being a Mum but... we had first visit from SW today and we are looking to begin stage 1 very soon.
We are reading a lot, and I keep doing google searches which lead me to horror stories and I get nervous.
Anyway..... I am mid 40s, my husband is mid 50s - we are both teachers. The SW seemed open to us having a baby, but being realistic, I know they become teenagers and so forth. In your personal experience... what sort of aged child do you think we would we best suited as parents.
We keep thinking a school aged child would be more suited to our ages, and considering their needs, for them growing up - but then people keep saying have a child as young as possible.
I understand the advantages of having a baby, or as young as possible but we do not feel we could cope with a child who has FAS for example and therefore think with a school age child we will be able to know more about them and their development.
I would appreciate your thoughts.
Many thanks
Shalom

Hi, my husband and I went in to adoption with view of a baby. But as the adoption process went on our age range grew. We ended up with a 5 and 3 year old sibling set. You will come to realise your limits on what you think you can cope with and what you can't. Also trust your social worker as they will get to know you well but only if you are fully honest i.e don't tell them what you think they want to hear. Good luck with your journey.

I think its a very personal decision. My son was 8 when he came home, I was 47. I wasn't that fussed about the baby stage ( not even sure I like babies that much!), I'm single so would need to work part time, school age seemed better, also all my friends were well past babies so an older child would fit in better. But I didn't really want to be doing the teenage thing in my 60s either.
Think carefully about whether doing the baby thing is important to you.
You are right that you do know more about their development when they are older, but not necessarily everything will have surfaces. Remember that many conditions are on a spectrum, ASD, FAS can mean very different things, they are not necessarily a disaster and you can have a good life with children with these conditions.

You don't need to decide just yet either, wait until you are in Stage 2 and doing that part of the training - it will become ever clearer!

Thank you so much, we are very grateful for your comments. We are looking forward to the training and we agree, it will become clearer.
Have a great week folks,
Shalom xx

Yes you have plenty of time to weigh this up. We were absolutely set on having a child between 2-4 years old. As time went on we were asked to consider other ages. Ended up matched with a 6months old baby . Currently snoring in the room next door, 3 years later!

My DH was 50 and I was 46 when our two were placed and they were 4 and 6. We knew we wanted older children and it’s been a great decision for us - there’s less uncertainty about their future in terms of there being a lot known about their development etc and while the early days were very challenging I think that would have been the case regardless because the adjustment is huge.

You’ve got lots of time to think about it but older children aren’t necessarily more challenging so much as having different challenges to babies.

I am (just) 47, and DW is 44 - we expect to be matched early next year, probably with a child of around 4.

I was 49 and so was dh when our 3 year old joined us.

If I were you I would keep an open mind.

One factor for me of I were in your situation would be to I want to adopt one, two or three! Three is rare. One is most common I think. But if you want to then it may be easier to adopt two together who have the same parent/s similar story.

You may find you get a bsby and a pre schooler or a toddler and a school age child.

I think it is the child rather than their age that counts. IYSWIM.

Good luck

But if you want two then

I'm 45 and ad is 3. So i was (ummm screws face up at effort of mental maths) 42 when we adopted her. Husband is 2 years younger though.

I was 40 and DH 50 when our 2 were placed age 8 & 2.

8 year old.
We knew about her health & general development. We could immediately go out and do 'fun family things'. She was articulate so could talk about her feelings etc. But bonding was harder and when we hit teens she had still hardly been with us for long.

2 year old.
Her health and development were more uncertain. It was more tiring. I needed to stop work (though I was planning to anyway) as it wouldn't have been appropriate for her to do childcare. But bonding
was easier and now she is a teen I feel a deeper connection which I think will make any teen angst easier to cope with compared with DD1.

We are now 50 & 60 and definitely have less energy than a few years ago.

(We were approved for 2 children aged 0-7, and I said to the SW I wanted one to be at home at least 6 months before they had to be at school.)

Thank you so much everybody, we really find it helpful - all of your comments.
We think we would be better with one child, it's a small house we have and I think we would be overstretching ourselves physically and emotionally. We tend to think the age 3-4 is the age we can manage, with hopefully a little bit of time before full time school and young enough to hopefully bond with us.
We are not even officially on stage 1 until they get back to us, the first SW visit yesterday was positive though. We both feel a little bit excited today.
Love
Shalom

Take your time. See what happens. Decide in stage 2.
One child is a good shout. Just put on your forms 0-5 and then be very realistic and careful about what conditions you can manage in your lives.
Teachers are full on and busy. Don't take on more than you can manage!
And if you know the issues, then the younger, the better as older may quite possibly equal more moves or more trauma and this is much more difficult to manage in every day life than a younger child who has had a relatively straight forward journey to adoption...

Thank you Haveaweenap, helpful. x

You are a fairly typical age for adoption. As you can see from other posts, most people are in their 40s and 50s. I was only 30 but all my group were much older than me and some had newborns and some had toddlers!

Good luck. Please if adopting older go in with eyes wide open. Feel my sister. Adopted 6 & 3 year old. Now 19 and 16 there teen years been awful neither lives at home and have underlying self destructive issues.

Just be open - my friends thought they wanted one baby - they adopted 3 & 7 year olds siblings. The younger was removed shortly after birth but the elder (who had nearly 4 years with bp's) had more issues especially in school but camhs have been good. As teachers you should be able to cope better than most, you have seen it all!

But don't discount other options, a lady I know fosters pregnant and parenting teens for instance, another (who works in social services) has adopted a 12 year old whose parents died in tragic circumstances - very different to the reason for most placements

Thanks for more comments folks - nice to know we are not considered fossils!
We have some understanding of 'self destruction'. My husband was a looked after child, from a very, very sad first five years in life and the self destruction issues went on for a loooong time, most of his adult life - but by God's grace he is no longer hindered by this. But it is extremely difficult for all those around such a person.
We've also known children not adopted who have terrible teen years and a self destruct button - it's not easy. We've spent time helping a friend drive around the town looking for her out of control 14 year old birth daughter, knocking on stranger's doors at midnight- it was truly horrendous what she got up to and involved in/with.
I think some issues with a child are not necessarily because they are adopted, but perhaps we can be quick to attribute behaviours down to the early years when there are other factors. I have, and always have had, a deep dread of sending any child of mine into the school system. Peers have a significant influence and I don't like much of what I see. I was on secondary but now work in the primary sector.
I'm feeling very nervous about it all today.
Love
Shalom

Both my two have had great experiences of school.

We chose primary and secondary based on pastoral care and valuing 'whole child' and they didn't let me down (yet). Good understanding of issues, good use of PP, access to pastoral team.

Here is a great example. Last summer term, DD2 y8, got over stressed at school and completely downed tools in Science. Very out of character for her. There then followed a phone call home. 'What is up with DD2', and not 'DD2 has been defiant' (or whatever).

Also both schools very quick to jump on any hint of the word 'adopted' being used as a negative, and I am not aware that either DC has had any issues from peers on this front.

Agree that it is very difficult now they are teens to know what is adoption / early years related and what is just teen angst.

I'm pleased you have had good support and understanding in your children's schools. So reassuring that your kids have enjoyed school. x

You have has some great experience so all I will say is we are in out late 20's/eatly 30s and adopted a baby. IT is exhausting! The lack of sleep, stupidly early mornings and an inability to reason is frustratingly tiring!