Feeling low today.

[darkriver198868]

I am desperately trying to maintain a positive stance that adoption is the right thing for my girls but today it got to much.

I started reading the social service reports from during the proceedings. It's just bought all the feeling of failure and the hatred I feel about myself.

I always wanted to be a mummy and now to know I failed is just crushing.

It doesn't help it was my youngest daughters birthday on Thursday.

I think it is ok to feel conflicting emotions over this. Its one of the most difficult things in the world. I have no advice for you but I want you to know that on my daughters birthday, I always think about how her birth mother must be feeling

Oh hon I am sorry you are having a tough time . It must be v v hard to be without your girls but I disagree when you say you have failed them . You made the best decision you could to secure their futures at the expense of your own and you are dealing with this pain as a result. Surely there is no greater example of love . You put their needs above your own and I salute you for it.
I am a foster carer and adaoptor and have had dealings with quite a lot of birth parents and I wish there were more like you !
Allow yourself to grieve, it is normal and be kind to yourself . Keep talking on here if it helps. Hope you feel a bit better soon xxx

Thank you both for responding. I think I just need to let it out.

I know I need to be kind to myself but it's so hard.

I keep thinking about the future and trying to find some happiness once I have dealt with the issues that hold me back but I then worry I don't deserve it.

You do deserve it ! More than most after what you have been through ! X

It is good to plan some future happiness. You have to live your life and make it the best one you can have. Whatever has happened in the past cannot be changed but you can use it to help you to change your future. You deserve a future! Your children have a future and are safe. You are allowed to have this too

I so agree with this "You deserve a future! Your children have a future and are safe. You are allowed to have this too."

Please be gentle on yourself.

I hope that all is ok with you today.

Another way of thinking about this, is that it will be much better for your dc if you live well now, have high self esteem, get all the help you need and have a future. For the years ahead during which you may or may not see them, if you are well, really well, that would be best for them. It will enable you to be perceptive about and do the things for them which they may one day need, such as the regular updates about your life and feelings. They will understand that you were not able to look after them, and it will make things easier if you are well enough to be there.

Keep well, and let yourself fail, pick yourself up, just as many people do.

Thank you everyone. I had my therapy session and feel much better.

Glad you feel a bit better now dark. Hope things continue to improve.