Argh so upset!

[Boomchicawowow]

It has been an emotional few days and I’m exhausted so more sensitive than usual.
My nephew (9) just said to my daughter, “well you can’t really call her Mummy because she isn’t your real mummy”. I was so stunned I asked him to repeat himself and he said “well you didn’t have her in your tummy so you must be her step mummy”. I feel like I’ve been slapped in the face. He has high functioning Autism so tends to tell it like it is but I thought I had done a better job than this at educating him.

He adores my daughter, let’s her get away with anything. I did a lot of work with him before she came and continued to afterwards. He really struggled for a year at the thought of losing her and this underpins a lot of his insecurities around her. We have had lots of chats over what a mum is etc.

This is the first time he has said anything like this. I remained calm and we again had a chat over biology etc and the difference between me and a step mum. I also added in how if he says that to her when she is older, it could very well upset her etc. He seems to understand but I just feel like crying.

I’ve spent two days nursing her through a difficult illness, spent hours in the night covered in her sick and snot. To top it all off, her letterbox arrived and her birth mother didn’t write this year.

I know he didn’t mean it, but it has tapped into a subconscious fear and knocked me for 6! I think I might have a cry in the bathroom

Oh sweetie, I completely understand why this has upset you.

It's worth noting though that he has probably been privvy to discussions (possibly at school?) abo7t families and has been conditioned into knowing a baby comes from it's mother's tummy, and he probably has friends with stepparents. I think I was about his age when we learnt about family dynamics at school. Which often doesn't include discussion on adoption.

So in his mind there is "mother" whose tummy the baby grows in, or "stepmother" which is the automatic alternative. He wouldn't have considered a third option because nobody told him to. Don't underestimate the work you have done in the past or now to educate him.

Does he live with you?

No he doesnt live with us but his parents are divorcing so probably very likely it has made him question families and circumstances. I’m going to have a proper chat with him later.

I think it’s the idea that if my daughter chooses to tell other children, they will also say the same things to her. Breaks my heart. I will be ok, just hit me hard today

Oh that is very frustrating.

Hoevold is dd?

Your nephew is either hurt by what's happening with his patents (and lashing out) or he is struggling to make sense of it in his head.

My friend's son is almost certainly on the spectrum and when ds arrived he was about 11, ds was 3. He kept saying 'your adopted son.'. I think some people take things very literally. I just pointed out it wasn't helpful and he stopped.

Of course you are her mum. Looking after kids when they are sick is just the most 'mum thing' I can think of.

I'm sorry about letter box too. That's hard.

Xxxxx

Thanks Italian, he is definitely confused about the role of his own father now.

Sadly, I have been quite open with him (not in terms of detail but about what adoption generally means) and now I feel I can’t trust him not to blurt out things that he shouldn’t. I will have to reiterate to him that although is isn’t a secret it is private and not his department to comment on. I’m still so very cross!

Feeling generally a bit hacked off now about it all. Dd is only 3 so didn’t even notice but in a year she might have done. Letterbox is the icing on the cake. I read so many posts from birth parents and we are all so very understanding about how a birth parent feels when letterbox is late or doesn’t happen. Sometimes I need to be kind to myself though and admit that it is upsetting as an adopter too! My letterbox department is actually very good too, mostly runs on time compared with others. I had hoped she might be able to write more than twice, regardless of how many reasons we can put forward for her not.

Try and separate out these issues.

Your nephew dodn't mean to be hurtful. I don't think he did it on purpose though be may have.

Letter box well, very hard to say.

I guess I mean that we have no idea what is going on in birth mum's life, but whatever it is it may mean that letterbox is down on her priorities. For this reason we do not show ds the letters, we drip feed in bits of them to him.

Good luck and try not to worry, your nephew sounds like he is going through a hard time so show him extra love rather than being angry with him, if you can.

I have done don’t worry I’m good at hiding my anger!

Good news. Poor lad. Hopefully all will be well.

Nice BIG cuppa or a glass of vino when all are in bed!

It sounds like a high functioning autism thing rather than a malicious comment.

Rather than "telling it like it is", he is showing some rigid thinking, poor social understanding and black and white thinking.

He is seeing "Mummy" as "the person who gave birth to me". He needs to understand clearly that there are different kinds of Mummies and not all Mummies gave birth to their children. And that commenting on other people's relationships isn't appropriate.

It sounds like you handled it very well.

I think the comment is about what is going on his own home and is no reflection at all on your family and how he feels about his cousin.

I’m guessing his parents have talked to him about what will happen after they separate so he will be thinking about mums new BF / dads new GF. And linking that to his school friends who already have step parents .

Being a step parent is very common and being an adoptive parent is very rare. So he has just forgotten about the difference and you will need to remind him.

FWIW I think you are right that DD will have to deal with other people’s misconceptions about this if she chooses to tell people . If we encourage our children to tell everyone ,then we need to equip them to deal with other people’s issues.

Not understanding the difference is your nephews issue. Fortunately you are around to deal with this one and she is too young yet. But it will come in time.

Telling people that you / your child is adopted is easy . It’s dealing with the subsequent questions that’s hard.

FWIW, many adults don’t seem to be able to tell the difference between half siblings and step siblings. I’ve often had to correct adults who should know better ( doctors, teachers ) who refer to my children’s half siblings as their step siblings, even after I have corrected them.

An adult once asked me how many children I had. When I replied “ Four children and two step children “ she asked “ Are they all by the same father ? “ !!!!!

So if they can’t even get that (very common ) situation right then how will they “get” adoption ? It’s too much for their tiny minds .

Op here! Name changed a while back! I certainly won’t be encouraging my daughter to tell people her story. However I’ve worked with small children long enough to know they tend to blurt things out. I won’t be telling her to keep it a secret, just more that it is private. Unfortunately many people know she is adopted and not through me telling them. Word gets around when you suddenly start sporting a baby and there was no pregnancy and I live in a small town.
So ignorant parents will mention it no doubt to their children

But yes, I will need to equip her with a response. I might do something like “Your understanding of real is not correct. I think you mean biological”.