Aggression and lashing out

[Cassie9]

My son is only 16 months so frustration and lack of control are totally normal for his age. However it's becoming difficult to deal with. This month I've had a black eye and a bust lip from being hit with items. He nips, pulls hair, hits and bites. He will also start to head bang on the floor and wall when he is having a bad tantrum. Any suggestions of techniques to deal with this behaviour? Or book suggestions?

Why is he doing it? Forget about what kids that aren't adopted do - it's not relevant.
Is it attachment?
Is it because of a diagnosed condition?
You might find there's nothing you can do directly to "tackle" the behaviour but everything you do if you therapeutically parent will have an effect. It takes a long time though.
My husband has gone to work looking like he's been in a fight and i've been covered in scratches. It is really hard. I would honestly call your post adoption team now and say you are starting to struggle. I did and they were nothing but helpful and hugely supportive .

My son was exactly the same... he's grown out of it now but took a while ( he's not adopted) don't think it sounds like severe autism to me!

dont hit babies!

@eyebrowpower do you realise this is the adoption board?

OP I think it's a pretty normal toddler phase, how long has he been with you?

We consistently say no and remove any offending item, then say 'kind hands please'. Time out if the behaviour continues. Loads of positive praise when they're behaving well and playing nicely

@PicaK He shows signs of having a secure attachment and has been part of our family since he was a few days old.
No known disability.
It happens when you say no or when he is prevented from doing something he wants eg. Pulling a plug out of its socket.
Is there anything you recommend to read on therapeutic parenting?
@savillep I hope he does grow out of it
@StylishMummy since ten days old.
Thanks for the tips. I did think he was too young for time out but perhaps its something I should consider.

Cassie9 I think objecting to being told no is normal. I don't think giving a parent a black eye is normal.

I have a birth dd on the spectrum who was violent (mildly) at a much older age and an adopted son who is NT and was not really violent at all. But he did enjoy play fights and we had to stop at a certain age.

I totally agree with PicaK that I would approach post adoption support.

You will not get help immediately but you may get it eventually, you have a personal adoptopm fund of money you can spend on help.

If things have completely settled down by the time the hrlp arrives you may be able to defer until you do need it.

Absolutely, emove any toys he is using as weapons. Remove for an hour. Then a day if re-used inappropriately etc.

I cannot see what deleted posters mentioned but I would not practise time out with such a young child or one who was adopted.

Perhaps ever or certainly until much older.

Supernanny time out is very fixed and requires an apology that a very young child may not understand. Plus having calmed down they are then reminded of what happened and could be 're-agitated', so to speak.

If anything you can practise 'time in', where they have to stick to you and do boring things.

Or you can do a version of if, something like calm down or cool down time. Less of a punishment more a chance to calm down.

With a 'cool down time' you show example by putting teddy in cool down time first. You give a warning, then if it is ignored,
you can remove the teddy to a different part of the same room (e.g. they sit on a cushion for 1 or 2 minutes and calm down).

Then if the child is difficult/violent you give a warning and do the same thing as was done with teddy.

Less of a punishment but rather something to help the situation.

You don't remind them what happened before. This was taught on a course I went on for adoptive parents.

Good luck.

Sorry if this is a bit disjointed. I'm typing this on a phone with one thumb due to arthritis.

High structure high nurture worked for me. Although exhausting and I often didn't do it well, it chimed in with my instincts.

On a pratical note, don't show him a strong reaction when he throws things. Braid or tie back your hair. Wear long sleeves and jeans, and keep his nails short, even if you have to sneak in with a torch and nailfile while he sleeps. Can you rearrange furniture to keep plugs begind the settee?

Make sure he can still play with soft baby toys if he throws hard stuff.

A soothing bath can be a great comfort at any time of day, especially after a tantrum, with lots of bath toys.

Think proactively. Are there any obvious triggers that you can perhaps avoid or distract him from? Hunger, thirst, tiredness? Is he newly mobile and trying out new skills in his wider world? eg copying an adult unplugging things?

If you are ohysically close enough for him to hurt you duriing a tantrum, perhaps consider standing back a bit rather than sitting or crouching. Ensure that he is safe, and protect yourself at the same time.

I know how hard it is, but it does get better.

Thanks for the advice. Getting him to sit in one spot for a time out, time in or cool down its pretty impossible. It descends into a game of chase which he finds hilarious.
I've set the travel cot up downstairs with soft toys and books. So when he needs to cool down he goes in there and we read. I think it is helping. It's soft when he tries to head bang and if he tries to hurt me I can easily move out of reach. So far going well. No idea what to do out of the house though??
I've emailed my agency but I'm not optimistic.

Cassie9 good luck. Be persistent with your agency.

A book which has been recommended on here before which I think would really help you is Penelope Leach Your Baby and Child: From Birth to Age Five. It covers where the child is at developmentally at each age, talks about what is happening in terms of brain development, recommends activities to do with each age group. It is easy to read and you can dip in and out of sections as it is arranged by age group, with handy lists.

We are told that behaviour is communication, but it isn't necessarily emotions, it may be physical pain, such as a lingering throat or lung infection or blocked ears. It probably wouldn't hurt to get a GP check up. I agree with pp that although it is normal to have rages and frustration at this age, getting black and blue from it is not so common and so is worth mentioning to the GP.

I meant to also say that the book I recommended covers how to deal with tantrums, and doing certain activities will have a calming affect generally. The developmental information might also be useful for you to use a comparison, which you can then use to get help as necessary.

Thanks backtothebd I've ordered the book

I also really recommend the book called the A-Z of therapeutic parenting by. Sarah Naish, its easy to dip in and out of. Sending best wishes to you all