Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Original poster

Single adopters

33 replies

Emmaone · 21/10/2018 18:34

Hi there 😊 I am new to this site and was wondering if there are any single women adopters on here that could offer me some advice.. I am still going through the process and would love to hear how it went for you and what to expect. Thanks in advance for any tips and advice 😊

OP posts:
Ted27 · 21/10/2018 19:08

Hi I'm a single adopter, one child age 14 now, came to me 6 years ago at not quite 8.
Things to have tied down in no particular order
funding adoption leave, can you take a year off ?
finances
work - can you go part time if necessary, do you have flexible working ?
childcare
support network.

I had quite a hard time with approval, my SW did not approve of single adopters, I changed agencies and got an SW who was a single mum, so it all worked out in the end. That was 10 years ago though so times have moved on.
Think very carefully at matching, I know lots of single adopters, some with 2 and 3 children, some with a lot of disabilities/ difficulties. We all make it work, but you need to be realistic about your own situation, financially, work wise, coping abililties . For example I knew I would have to work at least part time so I decided a school age child worked best for me.
Its not easy, but as I said there are lots of us about. Good luck !

Original poster
Emmaone · 21/10/2018 19:29

Hiya. Thanks for the advice it's so helpful. I will be looking to only adopt one probably 5-7 years old. I have savings and am continually adding to that so when I go on adoption leave I have a pot to top up my income. My work are very flexible so hopefully will work something out which works for us all!! My family and friends are amazing and I know will be there to help and support me through any difficult times. But like you said it's not going to be easy I know that! But I need to convince the agency and panel I can cope. Thanks again for the advice.

OP posts:
excitedmuchly · 21/10/2018 19:50

Hi. I'm a single adopter.... well I'm a wannabe adopter lol

Currently going through stage 2 with panel in the new year. Really happy to chat ... I am finding having contact be it online or face to face with others in the same situation invaluable. It's just good knowing that others are feeling the same.

My main issue at the moment is trying really hard to not let it take over my entire life!! It's getting to a point where it's all I think about!!
X

Original poster
Emmaone · 21/10/2018 20:12

Hi excitedmuchly ... omg I am at the same stage as you and feeling exactly the same! And also the feeling your not going to get the approval 😞 having so much to prove being on your own! But knowing you can do it and cope but proving to them you can is so frustrating! I would love to meet people going through the same as me to talk about it all but it's hard finding people near me I'm in Berkshire. I hope you are getting on better than me in your process 

OP posts:
excitedmuchly · 21/10/2018 20:21

I'm in a constant state of excitement/ frustration with the timescales / terrified of the whole thing / obsessing about 'my ' child and where she is right now!/ worring about what they are " really " thinking!/ desperately wanting to shop and decorate and plan!!

More than happy for you to pm me to keep in touch.... us single ones need to support each other ! 🙂

Original poster
Emmaone · 21/10/2018 20:29

I am going through exactly the same feelings!!  how do you PM on here? sorry I'm new to navigating round the site! Lol yes we do need to stick together! xx

OP posts:
Finchbon · 21/10/2018 20:44

Hi
I'm 3 months post placement as a single mum with a little girl. So not that much further than you both. Happy to answer and questions/chat with you both.
Good luck with your journey x

Original poster
Emmaone · 21/10/2018 20:53

Hi Finchbon. Ahh that's lovely how old is your little girl? What sort of issues have you faced so far? And before you were approved? X

OP posts:
PoppyStellar · 21/10/2018 20:59

Another single adopter here. I’m about 6 years post placement with a fab DD.

Ted’s list of things to think about is pretty spot on. If I remember correctly my SW was very focused on finances and support network.

If there’s anything specific you want to know am happy to help if I can.

It’s full on being a single parent but it’s also single handedly the best thing I’ve ever done.

Original poster
Emmaone · 21/10/2018 21:11

Hi poppystellar. Thanks for the advice. They seem to be doing the same with me about finances and support and also if I fully understand what these children have been through and what they need which obviously I do but trying to prove to them is tough!!  but hopefully will get there in the end!!

OP posts:
PoppyStellar · 21/10/2018 21:39

I remember the amount of financial, proof required. It felt nuts at times! I had endless spreadsheets in the end showing permutations of all sorts of income scenarios. It turned out to be helpful in the end as it meant I had a good idea what tax credits we would be entitled to, and also helped me work out where we could save money when things got really tight (which they did about 2 years in).

One of the best bits of advice I got about support networks was that your support network will change once your child is placed. And the people that give you the strongest support may not be the ones you’d expect at this point in time. Some of my best support - both practical and emotional - has come from a friend who was very much on the periphery of my support network when I was waiting to be approved. 6 years in she’s like part of the family and plays a huge role in DD’s life. Also your support network will widen through playgroups; school etc.

Original poster
Emmaone · 21/10/2018 22:00

Do you work full time or part time? I currently work full time but that may have to change will have to see what happens! How old was your DD when you got her?

That is one of the things they have said to me about people in your life will change and it's the people you least expect!!

OP posts:
PoppyStellar · 21/10/2018 22:32

I work full time now but flexibly. I’m really lucky I can work from home and pop in to the office when required (usually fitting in with the school run). I know I’m very fortunate to have a job like that. When I first went back to work it was part time (started as 3 days a week) and it’s only in the last 6 months that I’ve been able to contemplate full time. To be honest, if we could survive on part time money I’d still do part time but I’m stony broke and working part time for so many years racked up quite a bit of debt.

My DD was 3 when she came home (I know there’s a whole other thread about that phrase but I can’t think of a better shorthand for her arrival at this time of night!) the first few years were relatively straightforward. We had some big wobbles last year and got help from the ASF and post adoption support at the LA which was really good. My advice re post adoption support is ask for it before you’re at total crisis point. It took a very long time to get support in place and though the support was great once it started it was hard juggling everything whilst waiting for support and I wish I’d asked for post adoption support earlier.

Ted27 · 21/10/2018 23:36

I work part time, currently three days a week. When my son was in primary I worked four short days to fit with school hours. I now do three standard 9-5, which gives me two clear days to fit appointments etc in. I'm fortunate to be in receipt of adoption allowance which means I can stay part time 6 years in. There were very brief periods when I thought I could go back full time then something happened and I just couldnt.
We had major issues when my son was 10/11 - we got funding for therapy which was so traumatic I just couldn't have worked full time and maintained my sanity. I thought about it again last Christmas but my son started GCSEs this year and its already taking its toll. On top of that I've had a health issue this year and am now awaiting surgery, its nothing life threatening, its 'managable' but exhausting and my work performance is definitely slipping. I just couldnt physically do full time at the moment ( and I'm 53 so feel absolutely ancient!)
I think the balance between work and finance is one of the hardest things to achieve.
We manage a good lifestyle, but primarily because I don't run a car. My son would like things a full time salary could bring us, but doesn't see that I would be a far grumpier and stressed mum if I did. He is still far better off than the family next door who have two working parents n good jobs but there are three kids and two cars to pay for. He has far more opportunities than they do.
If you work full time, apart from the lack of time and impact on you, child care costs are the killer I think. Even with a school age child you have 13 weeks holiday to cover, plus teacher training days and random snow days.

exercisejunkie · 22/10/2018 01:19

Hi!

Another single adopter here, my daughter cane to me last Nov age 14 months, she’s now 2.
It’s been the hardest but best thing i’ve Ever done.
I agree we support networks, I met a lovely group of mums that all live within walking distance of me about 6 weeks after she came home, I walked into a toddler group run by childminders and these mums clearly saw the tired vulnerable mess that I was and came over, we now joke that I adopted my daughter and they adopted me into their group! It was so nice to know I had people within walking distance to help if I needed it - run out of calpol? Oh i’ll send my hubby down with some! Things like that reallyhelp!

Original poster
Emmaone · 22/10/2018 17:38

Thanks for all the advice it is very helpful and hearing first hand is always a bonus! I will look into what sort of hours I could do at my current job and see what benefits I would be entitled to as well.

At this stage I don't know what sort of age I would get so can't majorly plan much but I can get a rough idea!

Thanks again for all your advice I really appreciate it!

OP posts:
MarthaG · 22/10/2018 21:36

Hi, single female adopter her. My little girl came to me at 11 months. Panel were really pro- single adopters and pro- support networks being involved in the introduction week. I would say ensure you have a strong support network and take each day as it comes. So far my experience has been amazing and I adore my little girl. Feel free to PM. Best of luck xx

Original poster
Emmaone · 22/10/2018 22:11

Hi MarthaG. Thanks for your advice  I hope if I get to panel they are also pro single adopters too! I am working on all the things they have concerns with so hopefully they will continue to work with me! It's all so overwhelming but I soooo hope worth it in the end! Did you go through local authorities or a private agency? Xx

OP posts:
MarthaG · 23/10/2018 10:02

No problem - it is over whelming but once the home assessment is done the exciting stuff starts ! I got the impression that single adopters and allowing family to support in early days is a new direction they are heading in. I went with my LA, first home visit in the October and my little girl came home in August xx

Original poster
Emmaone · 23/10/2018 10:23

Hiya. Where abouts are you? Maybe they are more pro single adopters in your area? So under a year then that is so amazing so glad things are going well xx

OP posts:
cookiecrumbles14 · 23/10/2018 11:10

Hello, prospective single adopter here too, early 40s, nearing end of S1, south east of England. Every day I go through a range of emotions from thinking I'll definitely be approved, to thinking of reasons (some ridiculous!) why I might not. Wishing S1 would hurry up so I can move onto S2!

Original poster
Emmaone · 23/10/2018 12:05

Hi cookiecrumbles14. I am the same I'm in Berkshire. I go through the same feelings it's so tough! I'm kinda in stage 2 going through the assessment bit! It's full on!! I hope yours goes smoothly hun it's a mine field out there! Lol xx

OP posts:
excitedmuchly · 23/10/2018 14:04

To be fair I am finding stage 2 ok ... so far! Its difficult being a single adopter as all the focus is on you in the 2 hr sessions but on a plus..... its easier as the social worker only has me to listen too and to find out about!

I do think it helps having a social worker who you get on with.... we often chat away and find ourselves going on a tangent about nothing related to the original question!

Its just hard taking about yourself all the time!!

If anyone fancies joining a whatsapp group of all us single folk... happy to set it up :)

x

AdventureBegins · 23/10/2018 14:10

Hi. I’m a single adopter too. My lovely daughter moved in last Feb and is now 6. I’m still on adoption leave and looking into what to do when I return to work as my job although flexible won’t quite work with all the school holidays. Still being on leave means I get to do all school trips and be first in the queue at school pick up which is perfect for my LO. My support network have been brilliant and are now a team of honorary Aunties and extended family. My friends children have been great although me turning up with a daughter has raised a few questions, including can they have a new mummy too and lots around where the daddy is. My adoption agency put me in touch with other single adopters which is useful to know someone local that understands, also helps at panel.
With finances I get more benefits than I expected due to Tax Credits and DLA plus I get a small adoption allowance as due to age my LO was classed as hard to place.
I was under a year from first appointment to placement too, think it was 10 months and would have been even faster but they didn’t want to move my LO close to Christmas.
Good Luck!

cookiecrumbles14 · 23/10/2018 14:44

@excitedmuchly would be up for an email group if anyone else is...? Not that into giving my phone number to strangers straight away (no offense meant - years of bad Tinder dates and me being liberal with sharing my number means that even now I get lots of random messages!) x