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Hi all,

So sorry if this isn't the right place, this is my first time posting on here. I'm not a mum but one part of a fat couple who is toward the end of the adoption process.

We have a panel date for the end of November and have already matched with a LO that is 2 and a half.

I'm going to be taking parental leave for 4 weeks and my partner is taking just over 13 months adoption leave.

Now it's getting to the part where we've seen his picture and I can honestly say I'm in love with him already. I'm so nervous that it may all fall through as we had a match with two sisters and it all fell through.

Can anyone give some advise on how you got through the not knowing? Any other advise around dealing with first Christmas would be good too? As a family we usually have quite a big Christmas and i don't wanna overwhelm LO when he comes home.

Thanks

Oh how lovely! It is hard to trust that it will be ok so I understand entirely as do most of us on here.
I think it is best to take it one day at a time and don't think too far ahead ! I realise I am talking nonsense even as I type because if you are like me then you won't be able to think of anything else. [grin
I would say that you would be v unlucky for it to go wrong again so the odds are definitely in your favour.
As for Christmas well you may well have to scale it back a bit if the child is likely to struggle but next Christmas will be here before you can blink and just think what fun you will have.
So from one half of a couple who is also on the curvy side ( much nicer ) to another congrats again and let us know how it goes please.

congratulations! Is that approval or matching panel?

If you are expecting having LO home for this Christmas, then to be honest I think you need to opt out of a big family Christmas this year. Your LO won't have had a chance to meet most of your family, the noise and excitement will be way too much.
I think I would have Christmas at home, with maybe a couple of relatively brief visits from grandparents.

How to get through the waiting - keep busy, do your Christmas shopping, fill the freezer, do grown up things you won't be able to do soon

Thank you for the reply. It's dead exciting just feel like I'm riding a massive emotional roller coaster. It'll be all worth it shortly through.

Sorry to jump on your post... but you say you have been matched before your approval panel?? Is that something which happens often... I was just assuming that I would be approved at panel before anyone even started to look for a match but maybe that's not always the case? Do they start to look at matches whilst you are going through stage 2??

adoptDad are you the OP under a different name and if so what does 'a fat couple' mean?

I hope it will all go very well.

Yes, quiet Christmas. Lots of time for high level Christmas in years to come.

Congratulations.

@excitedmuchly the authority we went through have told us that they are always looking. Some people have children sort of lined up in the back ground that will be part of the eventual plan. I know a few people who have adopted but only one of them matches before panel like we did. My only advise is that everyone's journey is different. Also build the relationship with your social worker. The relationship we have with ours is great and when it came to going through stage two assessments it was like a chat, as opposed to an interrogation which I know is how some people view it. Any other support or advise you want please just get in touch.

@Italiangreyhound yeah I changed my username. Just didn't like the other one. Fat couple was meant to say gay couple - damn autocorrect!

I thought as much, gay not fat!

Good luck.

Hope it all goes really well. Low key low key low key.

Remember little one may have experienced no Christmas or a very tumultuous Christmas, you may or may not know, may or may not be told.

Little one might be used to being told something will happen and then it doesn't. Etc.

So boil it down to what is important, some nice food but not too much variety etc, don't go mad on sweet stuff, not too many gifts, it will be meaningless. Just something nice as a reminder for him. But most of all not too many people! He will need to know you are the parents and so not many others popping in, but I can imagine granddads and grandmas will want to at least say hello. Just remember that them holding, picking up, comforting, feeding little one are all big no nos. I am sure you've been told all this.

Good luck, exciting times.

Thank you adoptdad.... that's useful. Yes I have a really good relationship with my sw.... and yes def more of a chat... we often go off on a different pathway then have to focus to get back to the point!! I think me being single has helped that as she only has me to talk to/ listen to !!

@Italiangreyhound thank you for this.

We've been talking tonight and have decided on a couple of little things we know from his profile that he'll love.

It'll just be us and him with a quick visit from my OH's parents.

We've told them about not touching, which my OH's Mum found really hard to come to terms with but the SW helped with this.

@excitedmuchly
It was the same for us. It was a conversation then we went off on tangents about other things.

How far along the process are you? When we matched with the little girls I got far too excited and went straight out to Mothercare to buy a pram. Luckily I kept the receipt and took it back when it fell through.

adoptDad it's really sad you had a breakdown with the former link. We did not get as far as a breakdown but we did express interest in a little girl and it was just before Christmas.

We tried to make a link but despite expressing interest it never went anywhere.

We have parented our son for 4 plus years and we know it is right.

"which my OH's Mum found really hard to come to terms with but the SW helped with this." It is so tough. But eventually the granparents will have a nice normal relationship with your child once he know who is who.

Have you decided what you will be called?

I still my dh 'Dad' and he hates but it in the early days when I called him by his name our new son kind of copied it. I now use his name and 'dad' which he really hates!!

@Italiangreyhound
First of all it's great to speak to someone in such a similar situation.

One of the kindest things was we never saw a profile of them, which really helped. It turns out that the parents lived very close to us too, so it would of meant moving.

We've sort of decided that I'm going to be Daddy and my OH will be Dad.

How did you find the first few weeks? Did you or your OH take the majority of time off work?

Sorry for all the questions

adoptDad hi, there was a brief honeymoon of one day and then it was pretty full on. This was almost exclusively due to our having a birth daughter (then 9) who, despite really wanting a sibling, really struggled for the first year of being a big sis.

There were good times and there was fun but that first year was stressful. If you and your OH do not have any other children hopefully it will be smoother. Our son is amazing and so is our dd but together a bit explosive at times!!!

I'm in the position where we're working towards a placement just before Christmas and on top of everything already mentioned, my sw has advised me to keep everything low key including decorations, as they may be a trigger in future years as a reminder of the stress of everything changing. So no tree for us this year, just some understated room decorations, but hopefully that'll avoid any extra issues next year.
Good luck, it's both exciting and terrifying isn't it :-)

Good luck with panel. Have the SWs said that the LO will definitely be with you before Christmas? The LA that I adopted through didn’t like to do intros during December as it could already be a stressful time so I had to wait until the new year. My LO is a bit older thought.

It’s our first Christmas together this year and I’m planning on keeping it low key. My LO however, is planning a huge Christmas and has already gone through the Argos catalogue (spotted as we went into Sainsburys!) ticking what she wants from Santa. We have quite a set daily routine so I will be sticking to that as closely as I can.

I tried the no touching but my LO is very huggy and the first time she met the Grandparents she ran at them and hugged them!!!! So they hugged her back. I had introduced them via photos and Skype so she felt like she knew them really well already. I often remember the time that she first came to me for a proper cuddle as I had wanted to hug her from the moment I saw her but by letting her build up the trust it felt like such a big moment when she got in my lap and cuddled.

I had my potential match in place before approval panel too, think it can depend on your SW as I also know people that have had to wait a while.

Hello, I can't add to this other than to say congratulations and hahaha - I genuinely went away from reading this originally thinking you were calling your partner and yourself 'fat', which amused me. Good luck with panel; you would't have got this far if it wasn't going to go to plan, I'm sure x

Sorry for the delay in reply. Having issues with notifications on this app.

Thank you all for the advise.

We've decided to have a small tree and a couple of decorations but that's it. The LA has already paid for his Xmas presents so he'll have those and a couple of little things from us.

How is everyone else's journey going?

We are doing very well.

It's not been easy but a large part of that is issues with birth dd.

Ds is actually quite easy. And just so lovable.

The feelings and emotions for birth or adopted children are just the same. You love them to death, and they Fri e you mad!

Do you have a supportive network?

drive you mad!