The phrase "came home"

[topcat2014]

I am really struggling with the phrase "AC came home to us 3 weeks ago".

(for context we have approval panel in a few weeks).

It's not just that it sounds a bit twee, I find it evokes quite strong adverse feelings in me.

It sounds a bit triumphalist / dismissive.

It's the only bit of adoption terminology I can't seem to get past.

Someone tell me I am being silly!

Because to them a dad was someone who lived with you and cared for you. It’s a role , a relationship , not a piece of paper or DNA.

I agree with that to a point... But I didn't say "I don't have a mum" just because I didn't live with as a young kid (lived with family member since about 1). I never remember living with her, only visiting, yet I always called her my mummy and no other woman.

I agree with that to a point... But I didn't say "I don't have a mum" just because I didn't live with as a young kid (lived with family member since about 1). I never remember living with her, only visiting, yet I always called her my mummy and no other woman

Yes that makes sense. If you were living with eg an aunt or a grand mother I assume you would call then Granny or Auntie Susan and call your mother Mum. Even if you didn’t live with her you still had a relationship with her. So she was your mum legally and biologically even if someone else was the main carer. You only had one mum.

That’s different from most adopted kids. They have two mums .

One woman is the legal and caring mum and another is the biological mum and often the child has no memory of her. Or what memory they have is very troubled .

Many older children who have been neglected or abused at home and then traumatised in the care system often just want to put the past behind them . Of course it’s not that simple for any of us.

And it’s our job to help them make sense of it all as they grow up.

@darkriver198868
Do you mind my asking something? How would you feel about adopters referring to you by your first name rather than (or perhaps in addition to) birth mum? My child is too young for us to have had these conversations yet, but in my head I imagined referring to her birth mum by her first name. To me, if feels more personal and less detached. However, I now wonder if it would seem that I was doing away with ‘mum’ element. This certainly isn’t my intention, I just find birth mum sounds so remote. I think about her birth mum all the time, hoping that she is safe and well, worrying that she might not be. She has given me the most precious gift in my life - I would never want to be seen to diminish her role in my DC’s life.

I would have no issue with that as long as my part of the story isn't erased. I managed to parent my eldest daughter quite well for 3 and half years until my mh began to struggle.

I see the phrase “came home” as better than the SW “placed with”
That really grates on me, yes i know legally my daughter was “placed with me” but it’s a very cold almost clinical phrase to me where as “came home” feels softer, more gentle and loving.

@exercisejunkie - yes, I can see that. It is nice to take some of the "administrative" language away and replace it with the personal.

I have a while yet to think about the language I will be using.

@darkriver198868 - please rest assured that adopters (nowadays) are made fully aware of the need to maintain the birth parent(s) story as part of the child's life - including letterbox etc as you probably know.

Not true. My brother and sister were almost removed from my mum at one point, before she did a complete U-turn, and there was talk of my sister being young enough to be adopted

I take onboard your point but as your mother was able to do a complete uturn and your siblings were never removed, I would say that is a different circumstance to children who are actually adopted. My daughters mother did not do a uturn, my daughter never had a permanent home. So for my daughter, it is the right turn of phrase.

As for children who get back in touch with their biological families, I supppose their biological family could feel they “came back home”. Depends on what you put more weight on really. “Coming home” = back to where your genetics are from or “came home”= people that raised you and looked after you. I think most people, unless absolutely wrongfully adopted, would say home is where you are looked after and cared for. Living with relatives may be different though, especially if someone grows up visiting their birth family. Interesting points to consider!

I think it depends on the age of the child and in what point of the journey you are talking about "home".

I use the phrase "when we came home " or when I brought you home" becuase he doesn't remember his first home and he is nearly and this IS his home (from his perspective). We have had precious homes as a family and each time the new home (one settled in) becomes "home" if that makes sense.

If it bothers you why not "came to us". Mostly everysay life in the long run eclipses the subtlety of what seems important at the time, and your child will probably have their own opinion of what language they like:

• DS gets quite cross with me if I call his previous home "the orphanage" desite explaining that British people don;t know what you're talking about if I call is "the baby house"
• we call his birth mother "birth mother" we have flirted with first names but we are both relaxed about "birth mother"
• he gets quite huffy if I try to avoid saying he's adopted eg if someone comments that he doesn;t look like me - I would say "don't you think so?" and he rolls his eyes and says "thats because I'm adopted". He thinks being coy makes it a bigger deal than it needs to be.

In the end your child will have an opinion in the meantime just pick what works for you.

OP, I felt similarly, until LO came home. Before LO was placed, I had an idealised image of foster care, where FC loved them as their own child. Care wasn't like that, with multiple carers, respite, and it clearly was never their forever home. LO literally came home that day. Legally, they weren't adopted, 'placed' makes it sound like a 'placement', 'arrived' is ok, but makes it sound a bit like they just turned up one day. LO came home, their forever home, forever family. I didn't like it, because I thought it bought into some narrative that a child didn't have a home/family, or was in limbo- but that is actually the reality of care for many children. For many children, placement is their first home where no one will move them on, it is their home, and the day they moved in, was the day they came home.

We use birth or first parents, depending on how LO is coping.

I like the term - it suggests stability, love, permanence.
Also I don't think it implies the child hasn't had a home before (even though they may not have) - I have had many homes in my life.
As others have said I'm sure a lot will depend on your LO.