The phrase "came home"

[topcat2014]

I am really struggling with the phrase "AC came home to us 3 weeks ago".

(for context we have approval panel in a few weeks).

It's not just that it sounds a bit twee, I find it evokes quite strong adverse feelings in me.

It sounds a bit triumphalist / dismissive.

It's the only bit of adoption terminology I can't seem to get past.

Someone tell me I am being silly!

ignore the extra "to us".

I think in my head I have mixed it up with "came to us" which is what I can sort of cope with :)

I like the phrase personally. I don't see it at all as defeatist- it's a milestone. The end of their journey to their forever family. He was removed, then he went to Foster Carer, then he came home.

Just seen that you didn't say defeatist - I'm very tired!

The thing is, we need to say something. You could say "AC moved in with us on X date" but that doesn't sound very permanent. You could say "We adopted X on this date" but placement day and AO could be months or years apart.

You could say "We brought X home on this date" or "X has been with us for 3 weeks". I don't know. I just prefer "came home".

I think it is the kind of implication that they didn't have any kind of home before.

I think it is the kind of implication that they didn't have any kind of home before.

I really think you are overthinking it, but don't use the phrase if it discomforts you. Most importantly adopters and adopters should feel comfy to use whatever language suits them best.

I don’t use that term either as it sounds weird to me and as you say, dismissive of previous homes. We tend to say, ‘came to live with us’ or became a family’ or ‘ became a forever family’

I use it, from 0-4 I don't think my son did really have a 'home'. He stayed in about 15 different places, including two periods of FC, hostels, sleeping on floors, passed around relatives.
He was in FC from 4 to 7, I don't know whether he regarded that as home, ( I think I might ask him). For me home implies security, permanence, belonging. Whilst I know FC loved him, it was never permanent, he was never going to be a permanent part of their family, he could have been moved to respite, another FC at a moment's notice.

I picked the terminology up 'came home' early on and used it s bit. But I actually agree topcat2014. I find it a bit as you describe or perhaps it just sounds odd like that event is a thing in itself.

I have said 'Since you came to live with us' but that sounds like its temporary!

Now, I usually say 'joined our family', because he did. It was a past event with ongoing implications. 'joined' sounds a positive word, 'our' is inclusive and we are a family not just a home. When on holiday, away from home, we are still us, still a family.

To be honest I rarely use it with him and never with others. People who meet him know he is our son and no one questions how or when he became our son.

Those friends who knew us then, and still know us, say things like 'it's as if he has always been here.' And at least two casual friends completely forgot he was adopted.

But of others use 'came home' it's fine. I actually see it as an adoption in word which I would only use with adopters (of ever) now.

I use "came to us", "arrived" (a bit like BC and AD i sometimes say "before LO arrived"), not sure I have used came home but I don't object to it as he has come to his forever home.

I do see why people may be uncomfortable using it though and it is important to be comfortable with the terminology used. Certainly when you start to talk about adoption/ life story with your LO.

For instance I find "tummy Mummy" and "Gotcha" day far more dismissive, triumphant and annoying than "came home" but that's just my opinion!

I use it. It may not be perfect - adoption generally is a sticky business - but I much prefer it to the "when you got her" that I've experienced as the common experience. Neither of our DDs did have a home before this one, so that may colour my thinking.

Agree with others though - use what feels comfortable for you and your DC.

common alternative

I think it is the kind of implication that they didn't have any kind of home before.

But they didn’t did they? Uncomfortable but true. They had a home in a broad sense, possibly even a safe one with a foster family or a loving one. But it was not a permanent home. My daughter “came home”, she joined our home and it became her home forever. I feel the phrase suits the situation.

Oh lord “tummy mummy!” No, I will never use that phrase! It is just awful. I’m her mummy, her birth mother is her “birth or biological mother”. Never heard “gotcha day” but that makes me feel queasy too

Mightywease

I've never thought of it before but do like, "arrived" .

My parents used that phrase with me growing up. All good. Warm, but accurate!

I have only heard 'gotcha day' with rescue pets. No no no.

I think gotcha day is primarily an American thing - hideous

As a birth parent I find the term "tummy mummy" very insulting. It makes me feel like I am nothing more than an incubator.

I think tummy mummy is a term used with very young children for whom the concept of birth mum might be a bit difficult. I don't think anyone intends it to be hurtful to the birth mum but I can see what you mean.

Its not a phrase I ever used but my son was nearly 8 when he came home.

I agree with Ted. When children are young they don’t understand biology , and how they are linked to their birth parents in that way. They think the mother is the vessel for holding the baby, not that she and her partner actually created the baby from their own genes.

It’s a simple way of explaining that they grew in another women’s body.

I think that adopters whose children were actually parented by their biological mother usually use the term “ first mother “ or call her by her name.

Remember that small children don’t see the terms mummy and daddy as about biology or legalities. To them it’s just the woman or man who live with you and care for you.

So saying “ you have another mummy” when they don’t know that person doesn’t make any sense to them.

So they might say “ my friend Ben doesn’t have a daddy “. And you’d explain , yes he does, he goes to see his dad sometimes. But they’d say “ no he’s baby Emma’s dad “ ( half sibling who lived with dad and step mum).

Because to them a dad was someone who lived with you and cared for you. It’s a role , a relationship , not a piece of paper or DNA.

A man you visit every so often who gives you a present and asks how you like school / nursery is an uncle or grandfather.

Of course when they are older they can understand about the biological and legal aspect of being a parent. But when they are small that doesn’t make sense to them.

I agree it’s very tricky and it’s about seeing things from the child’s point of view and talking about it in an age appropriate way.

We don't use tummy mummy. We say birth mum and birth dad.

Dark river - what phrase or name do you think would work best for a child to use ?

Do you think it’s different if the child has not been parented by that person ?

I know you have cared for your daughters and they have a relationship with you.

I don't know. I would hope my girls adopters would call me Birth mum.

But they didn’t did they? Uncomfortable but true

Not true. My brother and sister were almost removed from my mum at one point, before she did a complete U-turn, and there was talk of my sister being young enough to be adopted. She was still old enough to have remembered the family and home she had before though. Mum was DV victim. Just because they hey removed from a home doesn't mean it was never their home.
And then there's the adopted kids' that do get back in contact with their birth families and pursue those relationships, so not always the end of the journey.