Its difficult to be in a minority.

[darkriver198868]

When the girls were taken into care I started to look for support groups around adoption for birth families and quickly came to the conclusion that it wasnt for me. There is a lot of angry Birth Families out there and I have never been angry about the process.

I have always from day one gone with what the social services asked. I was always honest and I asked for the girls to be adopted. I have no anger or resentment to the adopters at all. I have no plans to contest the adoption order and fully intend to commit to letterbox all the way.

I am just desperately sad that at this point in my life I failed at being the one thing I wanted the most.

I am also struggling with guilt that I dont refer to myself as mother anymore.

I just want to send you a hug darkriver, you always write with great honesty and insight.
You have done what you feel was the best for your girls, which was a brave and selfless thing to do.
when your girls are older, they will probably have some life story work, they will understand.
My son's birth parents did not mean him any harm, but neither could they look after him. He understands why, he does not hate them, he worries about them and hopes someone is looking after them now.
I hope you can find some peace with it all.

Thank you @Ted you have always been kind.
I am struggling at the moment and just feel really alone with it. My ex wasnt part of the proceeding and hasnt contacted me in 18 months. It just feels really lonely.

I am trying to take heart I wasnt an abusive parent just an unwell one but its difficult.

I'm not going to say that your girls will forgive you because I don't feel there is anything to forgive.

But I think you do need to forgive yourself. You are a relatively young woman, with a whole lot of life ahead. Its not a question of moving on. The absence of your girls in that life will be always be painful and hard to bear, but I think you will need to find a way of living with that loss.
You have a long road ahead, who knows what lies in store for you, you need to allow yourself believe there is some good in that future.
Do you have people in real life to talk to ?

Not really.
When I have conversations about the girls people are well meaning but they always say "You only have 13 years to wait and then I am sure they will come and find you."
It absolutely isn't what I want to hear because, I know it isn't always true.
I have started private therapy (I had enough of waiting for the NHS to help) but I find it hard to talk about the girls without crying.

I have sent you a private message

You are a mother and always will be. I can't imagine the pain and loss you've experienced. I'm sorry you feel out of place in the support groups. Your doing the right thing by seeking counselling. You need to look after yourself so when your daughters are ready to contact you your in a good place to build a relationship.

You are totally their first mother, whatever decision you made. I meet first/birth families all the time in my line of work and it never occurs to me to question who they are in a child's life story.

Have you tried PAC UK? I think they may only be active in some areas but they offered counselling and a support group for birth families in our area.

You are a mother. You made a heartbreakingly difficult decision for the good of your girls, even though it has been awful for you. That takes a level of sacrifice and love I find it difficult to even comprehend, because it is so big and brave.

Be kind to yourself. I hope you find the support you need.

You are a Mother and always will be. You will always be part of your girls story.
I'm an adopter and a foster carer and work a lot with birth parents. My heart goes out to you. It's such a difficult position and I don't think there is the support for parents in your situation.

@twogirlsandme your absoulately right there is no support for people like me. It's difficult to move forward.

Support for birth parents is shockingly slim on the ground. I was shocked (through my work) that all there really is is a leaflet after court offering support. If you do work up the courage to call it tends to be very little on offer. Hence people’s bitterness and resentment grows and seeks out other bitter and resentful birth parents (of course they have every right to feel that why, why wouldn’t they?) It sounds as though you’re struggling to find other birth parents or support who you can relate to and connect with. I wondered if the family rights group operate in your area? (authorities tend to commission them and not all do) they may not be the most appropriate group for you as I think they work with people with current social care involvement but I’ve always found them kind and compassionate. In fact some of their employees are birth parents who have overcome adversity, started as volunteers and gone on to work for them. They may be able to point you in the right direction.

After adoption offer different things in different areas. I know in ours they have a support group and social events for birth parents.

My heart really goes out to you, I wish I could find some words of comfort for you. All I can offer is kind thoughts that you’ll find some peace and healing.

"You only have 13 years to wait and then I am sure they will come and find you." It absolutely isn't what I want to hear because, I know it isn't always true.

Ugh, that really is not a helpful thing to say. I think you are right about many angry birth parents- most BPs have made some pretty awful choices and find it very difficult to face that reality. They may be a majority, but not one you want to be part of.

The threads on MN that always move me to tears are the people who've had kids removed and then turn their lives around. I desperately wish it was more common. I really hope that (whatever the reasons for your children's adoption) things improve for you in the future.

I have always from day one gone with what the social services asked. I was always honest and I asked for the girls to be adopted.

I can only imagine how difficult that is. That's what parenthood is- putting your kids needs before yours. They will have the life you would want for them. Whatever the future, whether they seek you out or not, you did what was right and you will always be their birth mum.

I am also struggling with guilt that I dont refer to myself as mother anymore.

Please ignore if this is prying: Have you found contact helpful? Have you had chance to put some of your feelings and hopes for the future in a letter to your child?

Not yet. They went to there forever family 10 weeks ago. I have asked to meet the adopters but waiting for that.

I am lucky I will get letter box every six months and view only photos. I am desperately hoping that contact is maintained. No matter how I feel I intend to completely follow through on it all.

darkriver you will always be their birth mum. You do need to forgive yourself.

I do hope you will not mind but would a charity like this be able to help you and are you anywhere near this one (please don't say either way, I just wanted to suggest this.

www.pause.org.uk/

There isn't one near by unfortunately. There isn't anything like that near by . I do see someone from after adoption.