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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

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Original poster

What do you say

18 replies

incywincybitofa · 14/10/2018 01:43

My son asked me the other night why we adopted. What he was actually asking was why them.
I did talk to him I'm hoping it was enough for now, hes 10.
but what have your reasons been?

OP posts:

hidinginthenightgarden · 14/10/2018 10:55

Different for us as we were told we couldn't conceived and then had our birth son but couldn't do It again.

I always wanted to adopt anyway so that would be my reason, that I wanted to give a child a loving home.

MagicKeysToAsda · 14/10/2018 11:01

Because I felt in my heart it was right to become a family (why adopt at all question)
Because the social workers spent a long time getting to know what she needed, and then they looked and looked until they found the right person and luckily it was me (why adopt specifically DD question)

Ted27 · 14/10/2018 11:03

Aren't other people's reasons irrelevant? He wants to know about you and him. I tell the truth - I wanted to be a mum because I had a lot of love to give and I knew there were lots of children needing new families so I asked the social workers to help me find a little boy. They showed me lots of pictures, I fell in love with his smile and asked to know more about him. When I found out all about him I knew he was the one for me, I knew I could look after him and give him what he needed.

What do you mean you hope its enough for now ? He's 10, old enough to understand the reasons why people adopt. Or is he really asking about his life story?

I'm a bit confused about your post to be honest. I'm sensing a bit of reluctance to give him information?
At 10 he is old enough to engage in proper life story work.

Original poster

incywincybitofa · 14/10/2018 12:33

Ffs ted have you read your message I didn't post for a telling off I posted to see if I could add something. He has an awful lot of information so your senses are off on that one too.
But thanks you wrote quite a long rant so you obviously spent some time on it.

OP posts:

Ted27 · 14/10/2018 13:05

what exactly am I 'ranting' about? You asked for reasons, I gave you mine.

Fine, he has lots of information, and whether you intended it or not, thats how it came across to me - did you notice the question mark. Thats the nature of these types of forums, sometimes you read things in a way that it was not intended. You sensed a 'rant' when there isnt one. I sensed something else.

And no I didn't spend a long time on my response.

Italiangreyhound · 14/10/2018 16:59

We adopted because we could not have another child 'because my tummy doesn't work'.

My son was adopted because his birth parents could not look after him.

Why us and him - ironically our experiences with our dyslexic and on the spectrum birth dd were considered a good help for our son. ( Who is not dyslexic nor on the spectrum.) But anyway, we were felt to be a good fit for him.

Yellowflowersgreengrass · 14/10/2018 17:07

My daughter is too young for these conversations but I think I will just be honest and say that my body could not make a baby and we really wanted a child to complete our family. I won’t tell her that we wanted to give a home to a little girl or boy who needed one because, for me, that wasn’t the reason. My reasons for adopting were purely selfish and I won’t pretend otherwise. It wasn’t a big deal to me whether my child was biologically related to me. So, I will say that I guess.

Yellowflowersgreengrass · 14/10/2018 17:10

Oh and she was chosen because they thought we would give her the encouragement she might need, had a loving extended family and we matched in temperament. That’s pretty much it! In reality they thought she was a little bit too chilled out (dare I say lazy) and wanted a family who would push her to achieve. She is certainly not lazy anymore! She is a proper little go getter these days! So I guess that’s either our influence or she would have got there eventually

Original poster

incywincybitofa · 15/10/2018 13:14

Thank you Italiangreygound and Yellowflowers.
I agree it felt right, with our DS and it was about fit rather than wanting to give a child a home.
I suspect that is quite a broad concept and I do think, that there is so much worry and uncertainty going through the process, that actually by the time you get to the end of the process whilst you know that there is no certainty with any child you do know it is way beyond a process of just offering a child a home. I am not sure I am articulating that particularly well.

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 16/10/2018 01:14

UnderTheNameOfSanders · 17/10/2018 20:53

We used to say that the SWs thought we would be the right parents for you, and we agreed, which is why you specifically.

NWQM · 17/10/2018 23:38

My two are still young and I tell them the part truth...that I started to fall in love with them when their social work showed us their picture and haven't stopped loving them a bit more each day. Still working on the rest as my daughter - 7 - found out effectively that I'd had miscarriages the other day and is asking lots of questions now 🙃

Cabawill · 18/10/2018 12:54

In general, I told my children that my "tummy didn't work" and that's why we wanted to adopt as we had a lot of love to give to children who were looking for a forever family because their birth family couldn't keep them safe.

I love telling them about why we decided on them in particular. It's become one of those things that my daughter regularly asks me to tell her and she occasionally likes watching the video we saw of them made by their SW (they were 5.5 and 3.5 though so knew a bit). I tell her about how I loved how beautiful she looked, how clever and cheeky, how I fell in love with her shiny fringe, how I loved how she mispronounced a certain word and the crazy laugh she does at one point. How I fell in love with her right then and knew we were meant to be.

I think it makes her feel really special that we picked her.

Original poster

incywincybitofa · 18/10/2018 21:27

Thanks they are lovely posts.
We always celebrate the anniversary of DSs adoption order being granted. I am starting to think I should put something together for that.

OP posts:

Kr1stina · 21/10/2018 13:02

In your situation I’d talk about things from different sides.

The reasons that his birth family were not able to look after him.

The reasons that you were looking to become parents by adoption / add to your family.

The reasons why you chose him, as opposed to another child.

He’s old enough to understand about the process. Presumably a social worker gave you details about him and you felt that you could be good parents to him because of X Y and Z.

Obviously what these details are depends on his age at placement eg you enjoyed playing football and so do I. You liked dogs and we have two. You were very quiet and so is you is your dad.

I think cabawill has the right approach to make it about the child and what drew you to then rather than about you and your needs.

And stress that his social worker was trying very hard to find the right family for HIM, rather than the other way around.

Italiangreyhound · 21/10/2018 13:08

One thing o cam honestly tell ds (need to find my moment as talking about adoption seems to upset him a bit) is that the day after I read his profile, I woke up happy. I just felt he was wonderful.

Italiangreyhound · 21/10/2018 13:08

I can...

FoolShapedHeart · 25/10/2018 03:23

Ah that'll be such a lovely thing for him to hear Italian, I've proper teared up reading it!

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