How to make this decision?

[insmithereens]

Our 2 amazing ACs came home 8 months ago. After a tough first few months we've all settled into our lovely new family life that's not without its challenges but we couldn't be happier.

We knew BM was pregnant from beginning & thought fab as we're approved for 3. Number 3s SW is coming to see us soon to look at the possibility of them coming to us.

I have no idea how to make this decision. I literally go round & round in circles.

One minute I think it would be wonderful to add a third to our tribe & picture how great it would be, get broody over new baby & imagine our amazing chaotic life as a family of 5 (which both me & DH were ourselves growing up). Planning logistics, bedrooms, new routines (first two in nursery by time placement anyway so manageable) & keeping bags of clothes etc for AC3 that other ACs have outgrown like it's def happening & feeling happy about it.

The next I think shit 3 kids will be super tough, DH & I both love the special 1-2-1 time we get with our ACs & we'd likely lose that. Two now feels relatively 'easy' and our life is just getting back to new normal for all of us. What happens if the disruption is too much for our ACs? What happens if it's not just a few tough months again what if the new normal stays tough forever? What happens if the kids don't get on? (our AC have a lovely relationship).

Sorry for long post, I'm interested to hear from anyone who's experienced adding more ACs to their tribe, the perils & pitfalls & the happy endings too as well as any advice anyone thinks that might be helpful to us in making this decision.

TIA

Hi there
How old are your children? It seems quite early in their placement for a big change? I can understand why it's a difficult decision to make. What does your partner think?

I've worked in the legal dept of social services and in particular placements. I think it's a wonderful thing to consider taking in the 3rd and keeping the sibling group together but I would say consider what happens if bm has a. 4th ... or 5th. It happens fairly frequently.

If more come along in the future you can offer sibling contact so all siblings can stay in touch.
Good luck in your decision

It’s a really tough decision and there’s no right or wrong answer.

In your situation I think I would lean towards NOT taking the baby, to have enough time , energy and money for the children I had already. As a PP said, it’s early days for such a huge upheaval.

Adding a third is a LOT more work . A newborn needs a lot of attention. Your other children are young so you don’t know yet if they have any special needs.

If the baby is being removed because of addiction, it also has a higher risk of having special needs. AFAIK this risk gets higher with each baby.

The other children obviously don’t have an existing relationship with this child. A new baby will get another family straight away, probably one which will have more time and energy to give than you will.

And as a PP said , what if babies 4 and 5 come along?

Sorry I realise this doesn’t sound very positive.