Love bombing

[Thebluedog]

Has anyone tried this with their ADC? I’ve been reading up on it, and feel it may help my dd, however there’s not much about this technique with adopted children.

I have read a few articles about it and thought it sounded great for all children, adopted or not. We do a slightly diluted one which is still pretty good, we go out for the day, starting somewhere where walking and play areas are involved for dc to burn off some energy, and then they get to choose pretty much what to do/eat for the rest of the day. Has a really positive affect.

@Thebluedog

I want to thank you. Tonight ds and I had a real situation going on and somewhere in the back of my mind your post came back to me!

I hadn't replied because I was trying to think what to say.

Then tonight I had a real life situation which, it turned out, called for Love Bombing!

We have a family games night sometimes and tonight the kids could not decide what game to play. Ds got really upset because dd chose the game and by the time it was bedtime he was totally in a blue funk.

I was getting more and more angry and then I suddenly realized that my job was not to get ds to comply with what I wanted him to do, or get with the programme, etc. The whole idea of family games night was to create family harmony. And here was I, being utterly disharmonious with ds.

I usually climb on the bed and hug him, and we say a prayer at bedtime (a handover from the time he had a nightmare about six months ago).

I had climbed onto the bed and hugged him but my protestations and trying to get the facts out of him were not working and he was just getting more upset. He said I was making his life unhappy and I kept arguing with him about how hard I tried to make life good for him. but I was not convincing him!

He said you are my legal parent and you don't understand me!

So I had to say something like "I'm not doing very well but I want to do better."

I know the things he likes, and can list them, and he knows that. But I don't always know what will upset him. I admitted this and said I needed to try harder.

I think that was the turning point.

So I just said I didn't understand what was wrong, but I really wanted to understand. I hugged him and said nice things and then I said, shall we go and lie on the big bed (my bed) and we did.

I hugged him some more and told him he was so smart and clever and gradually my terribly upset sad little 8 year old boy tuned into his usual (sometimes) smiling self.

He went downstairs and got his best class member of the term certificate and showed it to me. And he asked me to read it, I said can you read it to me, and he did. He just beamed with pride. He said, imagine my teacher reading that out at school. I said I know, I was there. He had not realised I was there for it, or maybe he had forgotten. It was a very special moment.

After a while I said it was time for bed and he went back to his own bed, all smiles. I am so glad I stopped trying to convince him what a great mum I am and started listening to him.

Actually what I just described is not actually love bombing in the strictest sense by this definition...

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/sep/22/oliver-james-love-bombing-children

However, I would say this was very true for me (from the article),

"Often it is not just the child's thermostat that is corrected, it is also the parent's in relation to the child. After love bombing, many report that it has been the first time for months, or years, they have remembered how much they love their child."

There is a special food place about 30 minutes drive away from us which sells HORRIBLY OVERPRICED snack food.

We are going there soon as that is what ds wants to do!

These are my small steps in love bombing!

Good luck, @pleaseeatsomething and @Thebluedog

Thank you all for your replies. My ADD has attachement and sensory issues and is currently being assessed for behavioural disorders. It’s so difficult to try and connect with her when she ‘appears’ hell bent on doing what she wants, when she wants, and all of which are manipulative and challenging behaviours.

I’m also going to try this, this weekend, with my birth dd, who is older, since the arrival of her sister 6 years ago, she’s taken a bit of a back seat and very often been the brunt of her sisters behaviour, I think she, more than any of us, would benefit from a day that’s completely hers. My dh is taking the youngest to work with him on Saturday so I can have all day with her.

I was going to focus on ADD in my questions, though yes I think love bombing with both dc sounds like a great idea (individually and together). How old is ADD, and if you gave her a free reign what would she choose to do all day at home/if you gave her a choice of an outing anywhere, this weekend, say, where would she choose to go?

My ADD is 6. If I gave her a choice for a day I’m sure, horse riding or baking would come into it. I’m never fully sure she actually knows what she wants to do, as she will always try and pick something that she knows her sister would love to do.

She’s an absolute angel when she’s one on one, and a joy to spend time with so it would never difficult to do these things. It almost always deteriorates when we get home and it feels a real slap in the face when after a lovely day, within 5 mins she’s back to her challenging behaviour

It is difficult if you aren't sure whether or not she is asking for what would make her happy, as that is the point of it. I suppose getting to that stage is the first hurdle. Can you second-guess at all, guess what would be really good for her which she would also really enjoy and which would make her happy?

DC went through a stage at around the same age of saying they liked things which they thought someone else would like, and we spent time talking about what they really liked, saying that everyone is different, and we started with basic things, do you prefer blue or green, why, do you prefer winter or summer, why, do you prefer riding a bike or walking, do you like reading or drawing, when and why, and so on, quite a lot of engagement. Would that help do you think? Is she good at identifying feelings?

I think that some kids definitely would need more love bombing than others, and with some it would take time for change to show, and other things impact upon behaviour at the same time, but if it raises general happiness levels then I would imagine it would have a positive affect on behaviour in the long run. Sometimes shouting and screaming after the day is a sort of release of build up of negative emotions from the past, I think, though I agree feels a bit like a slap in the face at the time!!