The Frustrating wait...

[ItsOnlyBridget]

Hi everyone,
Without going into too much detail, we were approved as adopters last summer and finally matched with an F4A at the start of this year. We had begun preparing for the birth of LO when everything changed due to an issue with BF circumstance. This meant the F4A couldn't go ahead and LO was placed in foster care at birth which was devastating. Since then we have been through a roller coaster of emotions and frustrations as we have agreed we wanted to hold out for LO so we have waited and waited for the case to be dealt with. It became apparent quite quickly that the issue with BF was highly unlikely to change the outcome of LO being adopted so our LA have been trying to pursue F4A again ever since.

It is now almost a year after we were first told about LO and we are still technically linked with her. We just feel like we are no further forward and have recently discovered that a period of 2 months elapsed after her birth where her case was entirely overlooked by childrens services due to a change in sw! I vividly remember those 2 months where we restrained ourselves from chasing for news and held faith that things were progressing behind the scenes. Knowing that wasn't the case is painfully frustrating!

There has already been a court hearing and since then the issue has been ruled out as have all BF (mainly due to no-one coming forward). There are now no further assessments outstanding and we are literally waiting for the final court hearing for placement order to be granted (which is quite some time away). We had hoped that the guardian would finally agree to F4A at this stage so that we could finish her fostering stage but apparently the guardian doesn't agree with F4A and doesn't want to pre-empt the outcome. What is the point of F4A if the authorities who are encouraging adopters to consider it are not implementing it. We have extensive knowledge of F4A and all sw involved with the case are in agreement that this is a text book case for F4A, it is only the guardian who will not agree.

Don't get me wrong, if there was a valid reason for her hesitance, I would trust her judgement entirely because I know she has the best interest f LO at heart. The fact is however, that she simply doesn't agree with F4A and the issue can't be pushed at this stage which beggers the question, why did she agree F4A in the first instance.
So we are now in a situation where we have no choice but to wait for the court order to be approved and it's likely to be next year before LO can finally be placed with us. It is very sad for both LO and us as it has been very clear all along that BF are unable to care for her. LO has had to unnecessarily languish in the care system when she could be with bonding with her forever family.

I have read a lot on these forums but always hesitated to post as I've not read of anyone going through this particular circumstance before. The authorities have admitted it has all been handled very badly which is all well and good, but it doesn't change the situation or eleviate the frustration we feel. Thank you for listening, it helps to have a rant from time to time. Would appreciate hearing from anyone who has had a similar experience.

This sounds so hard. I am afraid I have not been there, but just wanted to say so sorry for you. Hopefully you can write a diary of this time, and when your child is older they will know all you have been through to be their parent.

Thank you for kind words, its is appreciated.

I have been keeping a journal of the entire journey along with periodic letters to LO for when she is older. It helps process things as we go along too so quite therapeutic in a way.

Well we have a distracting busy weekend which is good. Hope you have a good one :-)

Even the 'normal' adoption route is frustating, so good luck op!

I am hoping (in our case) that once we get to the end/start (whichever way you think of it) all this waiting, frustration, etc will blend into a tiny blur..

This is so sad ... and such a shame for Lo and must be frustrating as hell for you. I'd lo with the same foster carers since birth ?

ItsOnlyBridget I've heard of adopters who were matched with kids in Cambodia when the adoption policy changed. The country's doors closed. It must have been heart breaking.

I also remember reading of a family who adopted from Haiti just at the earthquake hit about 8 years ago. The mum could not go and just get 'their' child. She has to wait. She knew her presence in Haiti would use up valuable resources and she just waited.

I guess I am saying that terrible as this is, it does happen the world over.

And there may be a good end on sight.

You hung on for her. My goodness that is the strongest image of parenting I can imagine.

Please, please update us. We are routing for you all. Xx

OP, have they given you any indication why the guardian is so reticent in this case? I would be really surprised if a guardian was against f2a on principle - I’m just wondering if there is more here legally than your sw understands or is sharing?

Thank you everyone so much for your supportive words. It really does mean a lot. It's comforting to know we are not the only ones who have been in this situation but so very sad to hear of those who had the door closed on their adoption due to a change in laws, that's just awful.

You are right this time will become completely insignificance once our LO's are here and we are in the throws of parenthood.

Sparkly yes LO has been with the same foster carer since birth and it's a lovely foster family. Because of our unique situation we have been allowed photos of her and foster carer wrote to us about LO and what she is like which was so wonderful to read but makes the wait even harder.

I am keeping a journal which helps to process events as they happen and so that LO can read about our journey to become a family when she is older.

I will keep you posted with news and hopefully it will be more positive very soon.

Thank you again everyone, you have helped more than you could ever know xx

Hi comehomemax, thanks for your message.

As far as we are aware the only legal issue preventing F2A has been dealt with and the court has officially ruled that issue out. Our social worker is actually an F2A trainer and both she, her manager and the co-ordinater are in direct contact with LO's social worker and manager as they have been asked to oversee the case to assist in preventing further unnecessary delays. Our team have full access to all of the legal information and have have been very open with us. The guardians actual reasons for delaying have always been that she didn't have enough 'information' about birth family or there was still an assessment outstanding. However given that previous siblings were adopted early this year and that the court have recently ruled all assessments complete, that 'reason' doesn't make sense to the rest of the team, particularly as F2A was supposed to be the original path all that time ago. Our team 'think' the guardian isn't keen on F2A as it's very new to that particular authority, whereas our authority promote it where appropriate as it's in the very best interest of the children. I just think guardian is airing very much on the side of caution because they failed LO so badly at the beginning when her case was overlooked. We know the judge took a dim view on this at the hearing. I have researched this particular children's authority and they don't have a great track record in many areas.
I guess we can summise as much as we want but we just have no control over anything that happens at this stage. We simply have to wait and put out trust in our social workers team to do what they can to push things along.

I’m sorry op, that’s really tough. In your shoes, I think I would be asking my social worker about a few red flags:

• if the child still won’t be free to be placed with you till next year - that’s a long wait (assuming the child will be over 1 year old at that point). For a case that sounds straight forward from your perspective, that sounds odd. This would concern me greatly that something isn’t as clear cut as you are being advised.
• if it’s due to LA incompetence, are you going to get support longer term from them both through the legal stages and long term.
• legally, does the child have a placement order? Has a judge agreed that adoption is the agreed plan and no other options are being explored? If so, why are you being told early next year at the earliest?

Sorry to sound cynical, it’s just not the first time that I’ve heard of potential adopters being told everything is all good to progress when it actually wasn’t as clear cut.