Adopting after two biological children...

[VillageFete]

Hi,

Complete novice at all this adoption talk, so please excuse my ignorance.

We have a DD aged 9, we had secondary infertility and multiple failed IVF cycles, then fell pregnant with a naturally conceived son, who isn’t actually due until March!

We have always wanted 3 kids, we were starting to consider adoption after our last failed IVF but with falling pregnant naturally it is on the back burner.

My questions are -

How long after having DS would I be supposed to wait before looking in to/getting the ball rolling with adoption? Is there a time restriction?

Also, from starting the process to finishing the process and having your child at home with you how long does it on average take?

We’d love to complete our family with child number 3, sooner than later, so thought it might be worth looking in to things now....

Also, would it go against us that we had 2 biological children?

They normally want at least 2 years age gap between the youngest child and the new adoptee.

So, if I started the ball rolling when he was 1, would that make sense? Does that them impact on what age range we could look at? We would be happy with 0-3

Most LA's wouldn't let you start the process until your youngest is at least 2, because the process should only take six months and the chances of getting a baby under 6 months are very slim.

I'm not up to speed on current timescales etc, no doubt someone will be along in a while.

However where are you up to with research? Most babies are not 'relinquished' they are removed. You will quite possibly not know the full background of the baby. Some issues may only become apparent when they are 2, or 4 , or 6. Parents who need babies removed may have 1 or more issues such as: Alcohol/drug misuse, learning difficulties, mental health difficulties, ASD/ADHD etc.

Because you have existing children you need to think very hard on the impact a needy child may have on your existing family.

I fully take my hat off to anyone who adopts when they already have birth children. I don't think I would have been brave enough.

Hello OP,
I think Sanders makes some important points so I will just cover the basics.

1. I believe my local authority wants a minimum of a 2 year age gap. However, the process itself is exhausting and in depth so you will probably need to wait until your new baby is 2 before even enquiring about it. They won’t let you when the baby is one.

2. it does not go against you that you have biological children. But, it will take longer to get a match because they won’t just be matching you...they will be matching your children as well! It would be quite tricky for a child who has been through neglect etc to easily slot into a family of 4. So you may be waiting a very long time. Most social workers prefer to place children with childless families simply because all their attention will be on the adopted child (who will likely need much more input).

3. your adopted child will need to be the youngest, preferably by 2 years. This means that when your baby is 2, your adopted child will need to be new born. So unlikely.

4. you feel very much like you are rushing. Can I recommend that you just chill out and settle into life as a family of 4. Social workers will not allow you to rush anything so you may as well relax for now! It is likely your youngest will be 3 by the time a suitable match is made and taking into account the ages.

I hope this doesn’t deflate you but I do recommend doing some reading. Adoption has its own time scales. I myself have been told I cannot adopt again until a family situation is resolved (immediate family not me). So it can be frustrating for all of us but ultimately for the best.

Good luck!

Agencies want at least a two year age gap between youngest and new adoptee. The age at which your youngest birth child will have to be before you can start your application will vary from agency to agency. So it's worth having a chat with different ones.
My birth child was 18 months when we first applied. It took 9 months to get approved as adoptive parents. We waited seven months for a match once we were approved.
I don't think having birth children goes against you. Having experience in parenting is an advantage. However parenting an adopted child can be very different to parenting a biological child.
Good luck on building your family.

Also, a note on rushing...we have deliberately waited until our adopted daughter was 3 before even thinking about adopting again. Why? Because we still don’t fully know whether she will have any learning needs. We have a better idea now she is older but it isn’t certain. We are now going to discus it when she is 4.
Also, because a child we adopt may also have needs. I’d rather wait until our existing child is older and more independent and at school. That way the next child can have my full attention during the day.

My birth daughter is nearly 12, and we are (hopefully!) going to be approved in November.

Thinking about a child around the age of 3-4.

It is more involved if you already have a child, as (their) wishes are also fairly paramount.

Agree with everyone else.

We were told dd had to be 4 but that was many years ago.

In the end we had fertility treatment until she was 8. Had to wait 6 months post fertility treatment. We had our meeting and our son came to live with us 20 months later. There are over 5 years between them so he was 3 and she 8. They get on ok. It has not been easy. The big gap helps bit it also means they have different interests.

This is brilliant, thank you so much. So much to consider. I am basically just fishing for some info now in advance, as I know i’ll be busy with a newborn next year. I will contact some agencies and make a few enquiries for future reference. If it’s not meant to be, then fair enough. But I want to at least make some enquiries.

Are there any reasons we wouldn’t be approved?

Criminal conviction or any mental health issues/negative family circumstances that you have not resolved or sought help for. That’s all I can think of really! Also, obviously, if you refused to understand the needs a little one might have etc and didn’t co operate with the social worker!

Another issue will be to ensure that you have the time and space to care for a child who will have some additional needs. That will be quite difficult with a ( roughly ) 4 year old and 14 year old.

Let me give some practical examples.

Most 14 year olds need a lot of ferrying around to activities , after school and weekends . Unless of course you live in a place that is urban enough to have lots of public transport and rural enough to be safe for a young teen to travel alone in the evenings .

It won’t really work for your existing 4yo and a newly placed toddler to spend their lives in the back of your taxi , so you would need a family set up where you have more than one parent ( or another adult like a GP) around after school every day.

Another example - many adopted children can’t cope with changes in routine, such as going away on holiday . How will you manage with this with two older children ? Can one of you go on holiday with two children and the other stay at home with one ?

A 14 or 15 year old is very focussed on their life outside the family , friends , sports, hobbies, after school activities. It will be a very unusual teen who wants to give that up to help out at home with a 4 and 2 year old who want to watch Peppa Pog not play Fortnite . How will you stop your teen becoming resentful ?

The basic issue is that a newly placed child will have to have the whole family revolve around them and their needs. It’s not like gving birth to a newborn as they are much more flexible and can fit into your routines more. Practically this will be complicated.

Teens and toddler are typically the most self-centred creatures on the planet so you REALLY need a mature and self sufficient partner. So don’t even think about this plan if you have a the kind of man who will whinge about you not paying attention to him and how he’s too tired after work to do anything and demand his two nights a week and weekends of “me time “ .

Take a cold hard look at how many hours your partner spend now actually doing parenting . Watch how much time he spends caring for baby when he or she arrives . Not how much he gushes on Facebook or how many photos he send to his mother . How many actual hours he does of the unglamorous parts of parenting .

That will give you a step to a hint if your plan has a chance of even getting off the starting blocks.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Can I just gently suggest that you are getting way ahead of yourself here, you are only a few months pregnant. Adoption really isnt a way to complete your family, you should adopt because you want to adopt, not to make up the ideal number of children.

You probably need to do a lot if reasearch into the impact of trauma on children, why children end up in care, what that means for them and the impact that could have on your birth children.

In your position, I really would focus on enjoying your much longed for pregnancy and new born, and come back to adoption in three or four years time when your children are settled in school and you have more time to devote to an adopted child.

Thank you so much for all the honesty. It’s an eye opener, that’s for sure. I think i’m looking in to it as we had accepted number 2 was never coming along and had both agreed we’d be happy to adopt now DD was older & self sufficient and we could fully focus on adopting. 2 close friends have adoped multiple children, so i’d started casual conversations with them, but nothing ever in depth.

It’s clear now isn’t the right time, but we’ll see what the future holds.

As an adopter with 2 biological children, our experience has been that SW and panel saw us having biological children as a positive. It was one of our selling points on the SW’s panel recommendation.

Our youngest was 4 when we made our first enquiry and had just turned 5 when AD (9 months old) came home to us a year later.

AD had been in foster care with older children and they felt that us having children also would help her to settle with us.

As to whether it’s been a positive experience for our biological children, only time will tell. But for now they are good for each other and have a strong bond.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do in the future OP.

Please could people think about using "birth" child in place of biological. As an adopted person I must be non-biological if this is the definition.

Birth - you could say you were also given birth to so that’s not correct either.

Biological - a shortened form of biologically related.

I don’t use either of those terms in real life because my kids are ALL equally my kids, DNA irrelevant.

Some people dislike birth mother as it implies that all that person has done is give birth. Whereas many mothers cared for the child for months or even years.

Also biological parents have given their genetic heritage to the child, determined its height , build, appearance and a large share of intelligence and personality . And determined it’s ante natal and pre natal care, birth experience, etc etc

That’s why it’s so insulting and insensitive to say that “ the child’s name is the only thing they have from their BF, it’s their heritage “. When in fact the child gets so much of who they are from their BF.

Really interesting topic, i have 2 biological LOs and have been thinking that instead of having a 3rd (a long term health condition means pregnancy itself is hard), we'd adopt a third to give a child in need a permanent home. some info here i had no idea habout, thanks x