Serious doubts

[potterbright]

Hi, thank you in advance for reading this. We have been going through the adoption approval process, doing well, lots of reading and finding out, getting experience with children, looking back at our past in detail which isn't easy for me but expected it as part of the process having read about it. As I learn more about the process and the children who need adoptive families I have become very fearful and scared, in terms of whether I would be strong enough to meet possible mental, physical, emotional demands of a child, and I suppose I'm just wondering if anyone else felt like this, having serious doubts, and decided not to go through with it? Because the child is the most important person in all of this and I would not want to let someone down by not being strong enough. I think we have an awful lot of love to give but I think we need to be a hundred percent committed and I am frightened that possible struggles would put a strain on mental health and on my marriage? I don't want to let anyone down but it's taken me a long time in my life to try and look after myself and now I'm worried that despite our love and commitment to this, it might be too much of a demand? Perhaps I have already answered my own question but I would appreciate any kind advice please.

I don't think any of us can advise! You are doing the right thing in taking the information seriously, rather than glossing over it. Sometimes the reality is easier than thinking about it - which was the case for me in the tough times, I just kept doing whatever I needed to each day, and gradually we came through it. Of course, for some people it doesn't work like that. But it is amazing what you can get through when you can see progress, and where there are some happy/rewarding moments mixed in with the tough bits.

One suggestion would be to consider an older child - starting school uncovers a lot, and you are more likely to have an idea of what the issues are. But of course there would still be uncertainty.

I hope you reach whatever decision is right for you and find peace with it.

Have you meet with some adopters in 'real life'? My social worker put me in touch with some local ones and just going for coffee and taking to them about how it is has been so helpful. I found this really useful as they can tell you how it 'really' is which sometimes.... is just fine.

I think the 'job' of the training/ process is to give you worst case... they need to prepared you for the worst just to get rid of those who have this 'rose tinted' idea of how its going to be. I think they do this as so many people think of this perfect little baby being voluntarily given up by its caring mother and having no experience of anything negative.

Don't get too caught up with the negative posts on some forums (not this one! just keep in mind people don't tend to post if everything is fab and amazing!

You don't say how far along you are in the process but take your time and make sure it is right for you both.

I think it’s good that you are being realistic . Because sadly, it probably will put a strain on your mental health and your marriage. Whether or not they are strong enough depends on many things , particularly on how troubled your child is and how strong your support system is.

And it’s impossible and hard to know either of these before you start.

Whoever is the SAHP will be totally consumed with meeting the needs of the child, at least for the first few years. The other partner needs to be ok with this and accept that they will need to GIVE support and won’t get much. So both of you will have a huge change in your marriage and lifestyle. Not everyone is prepared for this.

So yes, it’s very risky. I wish I could say otherwise . The rewards can also be very high but there are no guarantees. Only you can decide the the risk:reward ratio.

Thank you all very much for your replies, they are very helpful and much appreciated. To answer some of your points, I would be the main SAHP and my partner is very supportive. We don't have many people in our support network very nearby. We've thought if moving to nearly where they are would eradicate our fears but it wouldn't remove all of them so it's not just that. We are part way into stage two. We had been thinking about an older child if we went ahead. I think there would be some enormous rewards and happiness but I think for us these might be outweighed by the risks. Thank you for the advice and thoughts.

I’m over a year into placement, and so far, we are like every other family. We haven’t had any challenges so far, though of course they may come later. However, I can say that I love my DS more than life itself, and so whatever comes, we’ll deal with it.
The first few weeks were difficult but talking to friends who’ve had birth children, I don’t think it was harder for me than it was for them, we just had a different set of challenges. I talked to a friend recently who said it took 3 months to feel any kind of bond with her birth child - happily mine came faster. I think I always assumed my experience was bound to be tougher than that of birth parents, but I now realise this isn’t always the case.
However, I think it worry more than is perhaps typical of a birth parent. My DS is doing brilliantly, and exceeding milestones. He’s also very happy and settled. BUT there always a voice in my head wondering if he really is OK, and I monitor his development very closely in an attempt to identify problems early enough to help. Are any other adopters like this, or is it just me?!

Dontbuymesocks you could be me!

It is meant to be scary OP, and it is meant to make you question if you think you are the right person for it. Because you have to be prepared for the worst case scenario.

But it can also be completely wonderful. I second the idea of speaking to adopters about their experiences because so many will tell you that actually they are just a normal happy family.

My DS and DIl have 2 brothers (4 years apart) the older child has been very truamatised by the circumstances that have brought about the adoption, his behaviour has been more than challenging, and he was excluded from his last school.
Ds and DIL have moved from a beautiful home , to a much smaller scruffy house to be nearer me and DH because they have realised how important nearby real physical support is necessary for them.

I think OP that the fact that you are having these thoughts shows how realistic you are being about this and is I believe a good sign.

I've had moments like this on my journey. The more I read about how children can present the trauma they've experienced scares me more than I can say. And then I think that if it scares me, how scary must it be for them?

It's hard to know what you can cope with until you're going through it, and that nobody has a crystal ball when it comes to children, biological or adopted. I think in many ways we have a better idea than biological parents as we know what the unknowns can be and we're being prepared for those. Biological parents, for the most part, aren't as prepared as we are (in these sorts of issues).

What's important to remember is that you're in control of this. You will choose the child/children you'll end up with, and if you are presented with children whose needs you don't think you can meet you don't have to adopt them. Likewise you may come across a child whose needs you think you can meet. I keep reminding myself of this every day. I am in control. I can choose. I will do the best for my future child by choosing what I believe I can cope with if I have to. And, if it comes to having to deal with issues (mild or severe) I will do my best for my child because I will love them.

It is scary. Some of the things I read had me in tears. The limited ppl I knew with experience of adoption had negative experiences. I had doubts. Now I can't imagine my life without my adopted son. There have been times when I've struggled and thought how will I get my family through this? There has also been times of pure joy. Moments I wish would never end. Ppl tend to talk about the hardships more than good times. Only you can decide if you feel ready for adoption. Good luck in your decision.

I had doubts throughout the process, I questioned whether I could cope, I worried about whether we were strong enough. Even in the matching stage, I didn't really get excited (but I think I was trying to protect myself in case it all went wrong). I did stop and ask myself if I really wanted to change our very comfortable and care free lifestyle. But I did want it. If a social worker had have said we couldn't continue, I would have been devastated. It is hard, it's meant to be and you are getting the time to reflect and analyse what life might be like with children and face your limitations. Limitations are ok, at least you can predict and prepare (through discussions during stage 2) for where you may need help, birth parents do not get this luxury, you're hearing it all, warts and all. Your social worker clearly thinks you have a lot to offer, or you wouldn't be in stage 2 now. The other thing about stage 2 is that if you have a good SW, they get to know you and write a PAR that truly reflects you. When you hear about people saying the children were such a good match for them, it's because all of the complex pieces have come together and your SW, the kids SW and the panel agree you are the right match, a rigorous process should assist with getting this right.

As I said I had all of your fears, it's quite normal, but we are very early into placement with 2 sibs, who are completely adorable. We have had no big challenges (so far) but Some days are hard, I am the SAHP and I some days i do a better job than other days, kids are doing amazingly though. But because if all the prep, I know my limitations, I and my husband know when each other need a break, and I know what I need to do self-care wise to make it to the end of the day. For me this is walking the dog, on my own before they wake and after they have gone to bed and also getting a shower in peace and doing my hair before the hubby goes to work.

Only you know if this is for you though. But i believe that you can take a break if you need to after approval and before matching and you should never feel obliged to agree to a match you are unsure of. All the very best.

You sound like a very kind, considered, compassionate and thoughtful person, OP, in fact, exactly like the type of person who could make a brilliant adoptive parent. But only if it is the right thing for you and your relationship. And your future happiness.

I’m a single adopter (by choice) so I’ve never had to consider the relationship and infertility stuff. Which, obviously, is massive ‘stuff’.

I’m ten years in with my first and two years in with my second. I’ll be honest and say that it’s the single most best thing I have ever done with my life (I’m a Mum to two gorgeously scrumptious girls) and I’ve lived a lot of life!

But there are still days (many) when I fantasise about getting in my car and driving as far away from my children as I can possibly drive and booking into a hotel room in a remote town, away from the demands of being a parent, and an adoptive parent, to simply enjoy some anonymity and have the chance to rewind my life a little (I have it all planned, where I’d go, what I’d take, what I’d do and how long I’d stay 😀). This is just my safety valve for dealing with the pressures of being a parent to two amazing children who have had a poor start in life and whose behaviour can sometimes reflect that.

But I don’t think I’m any different from (honest) biological parents who sometimes find parenting a strain.

It’s great that you are being so considered and realistic about what you can offer a child rather than expecting a child to fill a void in your life.

Adoption is such a uniquely personal journey, with often uncertain ‘outcomes’, that it’s probably not helpful for any of us here to advise you yay or nay, but I wanted to reassure you that the self-doubt and questioning is totally normal.

Self-doubt is normal - in fact, I'd say that if you didn't feel like this, you haven't understood what you could be getting into

No-one here can say what you should do. I will put a small caveat to the pp above who said that you get to choose what to deal with and say that, especially with young er children, the issues may not be known, apparent or recorded. DD came to us with no known issues as a toddler, and as a 9yo she is mostly wonderful but occasionally pushes her to extreme limits (she is physically violent to me, she calls us awful things). This is because she is essentially still a very scared, insecure little girl. She is terrified that we will leave her, and she rationalises things by her being horrible to us so that if we do leave it will be because of something that she has done IYSWIM. (More generallly she has to be in control of EVERYTHING)

I wouldn't change her for the world - she's my daughter and I love her unconditionally and fiercely. But it has put a strain on our relationship and it's certainly not plain sailing

Good luck making your decision

As with any child, adopted or birth, your whole life will change. We are 6 months into our placement, court date next week for adoption order, and our LO came to us at 6 months old.
Have I struggled? Yes. Has LO put a strain on my marriage? Somewhat.
Have we argued about things we never did before - work, who is caring for LO in the day/night etc? Yes.

Our LO doesn't have any 'issues', sleeps 11-12 hours a night, but we are shattered! It's a huge change going from doing what you want, when you want, and then having this little person who relies on you for EVERYTHING!

I think we have found keeping him stimulated the most exhausting, along with juggling work etc, but would we go back and change things? Hell no! We love him soooo much, he is so adorable, cute, smiley, changing every day, and everyone who meets him loves him too!

So yes, it is good to question things now, but also remember why you are doing this. SW's and info online will mostly give you the negatives of adoption (I found) so take it in, but also remember there are a huge number of positives too!

Also, for the first 2 weeks when LO came home to us I had HUGE wobbles, didn't think I could do it, said I'd made a mistake and didn't know if I could cope with him, but I got through it, with my OH, friends (which is why your support network is soooo important) and also this forum!

Good luck!

As a parent with birth children (I don't know how to phrase it - ordinary / not adopted) I can tell you parenting is very hard and very wonderful. Perhaps APs have a little bit of an advantage even in knowing beforehand what their children are like? You'd be crazy not to be scared and thinking about your own abilities and i would think all variety of parents go through the same thing.

Thigh in the nicest possible way, it's not easier. Adopted children have suffered trauma. That can present in thousands of different ways and at any given time. It's not always apparent when you adopt them.