WAITING FOR A MATCH

[WANNABMAMMA]

Hi I am an approved single adopter. What should I be expecting from my SW while I am waiting? I feel her communication is terrible! only that I am proactive myself I feel I wouldn't be bothered with but the lack of responding to my e mails and messages at times is very frustrating. I do get they are busy and I'm not the only person they have but a simple reply would be nice at times. Any advice on how I can approach my feelings without rubbing anyone the wrong way. How often should they be contacting me for a catch up or what is seen as reasonable for me to contact them maybe. I am newly approved and I suppose just don't know what to expect at this waiting stage.

This period is hard, possibly the hardest through the whole process.

Our SW got in touch with us every 6 weeks while we were waiting. In our area, once you've been approved for 3 months you can go on the Adoption Register, so can become more proactive.

Hang in there.

SS just don't seem to have a procedure/time scales laid out for contact/communication which I feel they should have as communication is KEY. Thanks for replying to my message

@WANNABMAMMA congratulstions on getting approved.

"Any advice on how I can approach my feelings without rubbing anyone the wrong way."

To be brutally honest I would swallow your feelings until you are alone with friends, then let the frustration be cared for by your supporters.

I'd focus on facts. Are there any possible matches for you from your local authority, or are you with a charity?

If there are, great, explore.

If not, wait. Be proactive in your waiting! Read useful things. Books. Old threads on here. Adoption support web sites.

Be proactive in de cluttering your home, saving money, doing anything and everything you want to do without a child in tow!

Are you in England or Wales or elsewhere?

If Eng/Wales you can join the national adoption register and look for yourself after 3 months, or so I believe.

If elsewhere in UK or other parts of the world, find out what you can do to be proactive.

Once every 6 weeks sounds reasonable to check in, or even once a month.

I really can't remember.

I think our social worker only contacted us with actual suggestions and to see how we were.

If I remember rightly she had matches just twice! We contacted her about links we found because our local authority was in a coalition.

They had an adoption information day (where the children were not present but information and social workers were) we also found s similar event fairly locally ( an hour and a half away in a big city).

Had we waited longer than we did ( we waited about 6 months from approval to match) I would have enquired about adoption activity days (where the children are present with foster carers, information and social workers) and tried one of those.

Good luck. ( our match was one of the two put social worker found us!)

Hi,

Congratulations on approval! We also found this the hardest bit at times. We did not have a visit from our social worker again until we had a match identified but she was very good with emailing and phoning throughout, sometimes daily when there was any information giving or gathering to be done, but sometimes nothing for long stretches. If there is nothing happening I wouldn’t expect your social worker to be in touch (that was really hard for us when things went silent for weeks) but they really shouldn’t be going completely off the radar. Have you had any contact at all about potential matches yet? I can understand, it is like a fear of being forgotten!

I think it’s ok to email your social worker to ask specific questions (“are there any activity days we can attend?”) or to let them know info (“we have seen a child on link maker, we are going to express an interest”) regularly like once a week or so to prompt them you are still alive and waiting, and want to be involved and consider matches.

Also if you are not getting emails/calls OR visits then I think give it until the 6 weeks then phone and say you are due to meet soon, are any days best for them? Etc.

They are busy, but shouldn’t be completely ignoring you so take it further if that’s the case. But if it’s not been too long it’s more likely there’s nothing happening their end so there’s no reason to keep in touch.

We took total charge of our activity on link maker and adoption match. We got on both these sites earlier than 3 months because we asked about them, so don’t be scared to. I wonder if we hadn’t asked if we would have been put on them they were not mentioned by sw, I found out from a friend. We also went to activity days as we asked about these so were sent details.

Good luck - blow all your adoption savings on a holiday that’ll help pass the time

(I know we are not the only ones who have done this! )

SWs not only know about all the cases of children their team are currently family finding for, they also know what children are coming through the system locally (and a few boroughs over usually) and, pending final hearings, soon to be looking for families.

Our SW was totally honest about this when questioned. She told us about one sibling group & one child, neither of which were what we were looking for. So we just asked directly, please grant us access to linkmaker rather than have us waste time sitting around until our three months were up. SWs want to keep you in their borough so they can match you with their children but there are 500+ profiles of children on linkmaker waiting for families.

Our linkmaker profile was set up that same day & we found our children within two months, they moved in four months later.

Linkmaker is not for everyone but certainly worked for us. Many children are considered hard to place. We looked through all profiles ourselves but I know some people find this too difficult.

If you really feel like nothing is happening in your area you could always ask to be put on linkmaker early, your SW is notified about any profiles you express interest in & has to respond to their SW within set time frames.

Good luck!

I don't think there are any rules on how often sw should contact you while you wait to be matched. I would occasionally email mine just to ask if there was any news and she would eventually reply. Didn't see her or speak to her in the phone the whole seven months I waited for a match. She only called when she had a match. It can be a frustrating time. Try to keep busy.

I think you will need to speak to your social worker before signing up to go to an activity day but you could ask about them. When it says places for adopters only I am thinking there is some way for them to check so you do need to talk to your social worker about this, IMHO.

EG

www.coramadoption.org.uk/children-we-find-families/adoption-activity-days

Our experience was an event, not an actual activity day, but we were matched before we went! It kind of helped me have something to focus on, if that makes sense.

Know exactly what you're going through at the moment as I'm feeling it myself Every week that goes by with no news feels like a month! Everyday is hard because "you're still not a mum" despite wanting to be one so badly. Sending positive vibes!

I had assumed that once 'approved' you gained access to profiles to search etc.

The thought of just passively waiting for SW to call randomly is a bit of a downer.

SW haven't (so far) tended to make contact unless multiple messages / emails left etc -

Hey ho, just another part to look forward to :)

topcat2014 when we adopted you did gain access but you had to wait a while. Your local authority will have spent money training and preparing you and they want you for their own kids! That, I think is the logic. Three months is not long at all and just before we adopted some were waiting ages.

It's definitely worth doing your own searching and attending events if you can and feel up to it, but maybe your social worker will surprise you. Our son is the absolute most amazing little lad in the whole world, and our local authority suggested him for us. So you do need to be a bit patient but I know how hard it is! almost everyone says this is the hardest bit - matching. Use the time to prepare and try not to stress.

@italiangreyhound - we are in a 'group' of LAs in the south west, and I get that they have first dibs - that's fair enough.

I suppose I hadn't realised how passive that might be from our perspective.

Thanks,

genuine question topcat2014 what do you think they will be doing to get you a match?

@topcat2014 I agree, I can’t imagine if we hadn’t been able to look for ourselves on linkmaker and adoption match. Our social worker is lovely but I can’t imagine just handing over that huge decision to someone else on the off chance they will make the same choices we would...and then just waiting our social worker sent us lots of profiles of children who she thought might be a match but we didn’t feel the same and equally we expressed an interest in children she didn’t think to consider us for. Including the little ones we are being matched with.

But then perhaps I am an impatient control freak

Another to suggest getting access to linkmaker/Adoption register.

We'd been approved since April and once we had access to the Adoption Register I found our match within 3 weeks with another authority.

Our SW tells me there are more adopters than children in our area at the moment; but then another told me the exact opposite, so who knows??

It is hugely frustrating.

Hi, At this stage it's a waiting game. Your SW will be having regular meetings with the family finders. If you are part of an LA. They also have other links to an LAs children.

A few of my friends have been placed with children from their and different LAs in the first few months. However, it depends the age and gender you want.

My Sw selected my special little one for me. People tell me that I was brave to not have my own choice. When you have written and spoke in detail about your life that closely with someone. They will sometimes know better than you know yourself.

My social worker found ds for us.

I am so grateful. He is amazing.

However, searching for ourselves while waiting was very important for me too, because I am a bit of a control freak!

Looking is good, definitely would recommend it.

This truly is the hardest part of the entire process. I remember reading other people saying the same on these forums when we were still in the throws of assessments and I really didn't think it could possible get any harder... it did!

Waiting and remaining patient takes a lot of personal strength. I went through the exact same emotions as you when we were were first approved and literally willed the phone to ring every day. I would get annoyed as the weeks passed and feel as though we had been forgotten.

In hindsight, with a lot more knowledge of the system, I now know that within LA there is a co-ordinator who liases between children's services and adoption services. It is their job to be fully aware of every adopter and every child coming through and their circumstance. No-one can be 'forgotten'.

There will be periods of time where there simply isn't a suitable match available and other times where you might be inundated with possible links. As hard as it feels now, try and have faith in your social worker and in the meantime access Linkmaker on line and register your profile so that other social workers can contact you if they are interested in your profile for a child they are family finding for. You can search Linkmaker by relevance and you can also sign up for emailed updates when new profiles are added that match your criteria.

This process is unlike anything else you will ever experience. Sometimes a match can happen all of a sudden and quite out of the blue and other times it can take some time. There is just no way of knowing. Just have faith that your little one will come to you when the time is right and non of this 'waiting' will matter anymore.
Stay strong and keep the faith.