Child on patent violence

[Daisiemoo]

Just wondered if anyone has or is going through this?
We are 3.5 years into our adoption. I love her dearly but her need to control everything is exhausting and her screaming abuse at me is wearing me down. Ive just sent the senco a lengthy email re this weekend and now feel bad im sharing it.

[Italiangreyhound]

Daisiemoo I am so sorry you are going through this.Please do not feel bad for sharing the situation you are in. Please go to post adoption support, ask for help. They need to get involved now, you need to tell them everything and get help. You and your child deserve better.

[Daisiemoo]

Italiangreyhound, I have! We had our assessment for post adoption support, they have agreed we need help. It took them 3 months to assign someone to us and now a month later we are still waiting to hear if the ASF will fund the planned support.
Apologies for sounding out, i dont think its talked about enough. DD1 is very abusive and angry about 70% of the time. I get tired of the arguing and sometimes I dont have enough wine to get me through the weekend.
I need to plan my shopping better!!

[Italiangreyhound]

@Daisiemoo are you parenting alone, do you have other children? How old is your dd? I have lots of sympathy for this situation. I have had some limited experience with my birth dd, when she was 8, she is on the spectrum. Our son, by adoption is now 8 and he is not violent, just very grumpy. I think you may need help to put in a place a process for your daughter to let go of her angry emotions and not act them out on you. Have you tried any books etc. This was mildly helpful. What to do when your Temper Flares

[Italiangreyhound]

I have found my dd wants to talk when things go wrong so the angry acting out masked the need to talk/need for comfort etc. BUT I think it is very important to find a way to put in place a zero tolerance of violence. I really would want to speak to professionals rather than getting advice from me! But if the professionals are keeping you at bay then I think you might find some support from general parenting groups or charities. Can I ask what happens, how the violence takes form and what happens afterwards, what you or she say or do? You do not need to answer if you do not wish to. I am sorry I cannot do paragraph's on Mumsnet tonight!

[Ted27]

sadly I don't think you are alone in this

Hsve you come across Non Violent Resistance - NV. I know a lot of people who have success using these techniques.

[MagicKeysToAsda]

Have you read Hannah Meadows blog? She has a sub section on there on child-parent violence, that pulls together the resources she found. No magic answers, but some solidarity on there at least. I hear very good things about the NATP course on "managing violent behaviour" too (designed specifically for foster carers and adopters).

[Daisiemoo]

Thanks guys, I will go and have a look at the resources.
DD is regretful when she has calmed down and apologises. I fear we are stuck in an abusive cycle, she kicks off, I walk away until she has calmed down, which makes her worse. Maybe I should stay with her but what she screams at me is really upsetting and its not 5 minutes, it can go on for hours. If i try to cuddle her she fights like a wild animal.
Im not parenting on my own, however DH is working way more than he should so parenting gets left to me.
The main thing that causes all of this is homework! Mostly in the week shes fine, come friday we go downhill and sat / sun is awful!
DD is behind at school, and just doesnt want to do it!

[brightsunshineatlast]

I think there are so many variables in relation to child on parent violence - whether you know the root of the anger/ behaviour, whether you are still figuring it out, whether it is related to self control and/or lack of empathy, and so on. There would be different therapeutic strategies for different situations. However, in all the advice I have seen (including the links below) the message is that violent children can and do change trajectory if parents are provided with the right help. I think looking at blogs and NATP is ok for a bit of moral support, but for a problem like this, if things are not improving, you should seek out professional help about strategies rather than copying what a nonprofessional has done, which may have caused more damage.

In general terms, I think it is usually helpful to pile on the love and affection and do lots of 1:1, take them for long, long walks to help reset emotions, or go jogging, both very good for emotional stability. Boundaries, explained firmly but gently.

I think the below links are really helpful and positive. In relation to the video, it is made by Beacon House org in the UK, a relatively new organisation, and as I understand it if you contact them directly you can guide you about getting the adoption related funding (they are clinical psychologists etc specialising in developmental trauma), depending on where you live.

www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/peaceful-parents-happy-kids/201704/when-your-child-gets-angry-heres-your-gameplan

www.parentingscience.com/aggression-in-children.html

www.parentingscience.com/behavior-problems-disruptive.html

www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-gail-gross/dos-and-donts-of-teaching-your-child-to-cope-with-anger_b_3202744.html

[Ted27]

Forget the homework ! Seriously, forget it, your relationship is more important at this stage

How old is she ? I understand the concern about being behind a school, but I gave up worrying about this a long time ago. We had a lot of aggression around homework, it helped a lot when I agreed with school that we weren't going to do it. I just want my son to do the best he can do, if its 'behind ' the other kids, I don't really care to be honest - they haven't got to deal with what he has to

[brightsunshineatlast]

Is there a way of helping her but not doing homework, so that she is building up skills in her own time? It might be stressful being behind.

[MagicKeysToAsda]

I too would stop doing homework. My feeling is your relationship is more important - and that children can't really learn until they feel secure. If it's becoming a source of worry / shame / conflict, the cost is too high, and the emotional flooding will make it really hard to learn anything. (Any chance of seeing if the pupil premium could go towards 1:1 support in a homework club, so that school can be school, and home can be home? Sure you've explored all this already, sorry.)

[sparklyandgorgeousme]

I would either stop the
Homework altogether or try a home work timer for instance if she is seven
She does seven
Homework and then plays for seven minutes
And they tried again... (they say come
Children really struggle with concentration)
It worked with my birth children and I have a lot of issues with homework with them both who had problems with being behind with reading ... both had dyspraxia and dyslexia


The good news is that they both caught up with maturity and whilst they'll never be brain surgeons there holding their own at secondary school.

[Italiangreyhound]

Daisiemoo "Im not parenting on my own, however DH is working way more than he should so parenting gets left to me." So you are parenting alone some of the time. When you say he is working away mire than he should do you mean you don't need the money or he doesn't need to do the work?

Can you talk to him about how to share the load more?

"The main thing that causes all of this is homework! "

Stop the homework immediately. It is not worth it. It has very little impact on education at primary.

Just stop trying to get her to do it. Talk to school. If she is 10 or 11 you may find a school time club that tackles homework and she might benefit from it. But prior to Year 6 I would avoid homework like the plague.

Is she dyslexic? My dd is, and on the spectrum. She is now 13 (birth child) and we stopped all homework in Years 4 and 5 I think.

"DD is behind at school, and just doesnt want to do it!" I don't blame her I hated school. I think you need to focus on fun at home and maybe school will work itself out more.

Totally agree with Ted27 "I just want my son to do the best he can do, if its 'behind ' the other kids, I don't really care to be honest - they haven't got to deal with what he has to"

[OlennasWimple]

I hear ya!

DD is only 9 but sometimes when she hits me it really hurts - I found myself flinching from her the other day, which was something of a wake up call

When I'm feeling positive, I respond to the "I hate you, I wish you were dead" type things with "I love you enough for both of us" or try to make a joke of it - "oh, time for bingo, what's coming next, am I an idiot or a butt face?". But I confess I'm not always feeling positive, and it is very very hurtful.

Eventually we always find that DD is masking something - usually feeling worried about something like a school test, or an argument that she had with a friend. Letterbox contact is pretty much guaranteed to make her act like this too. We are getting better at getting her to calm down and tell us more quickly, but it's still a long haul